When he got home, it was past midnight and Khushi was already asleep in bed. He approached her cautiously, not wanting to wake her up. He sat down next to her and took her warm hand in his cool, shaky ones. Even asleep and unaware of the turmoil plaguing his mind, she managed to calm his emotional distress, just by keeping her hand in his. For a long time he stayed quiet just looking at her and letting her love spread through him, who knew whether he would get any of it ever again, for he surely did not deserve it, no matter how much he wanted it. After a while he bent down and whispered in her ear, 'Khushi I am so sorry, for putting you through so much pain yet again. Just know that I love you. I love you so much.' He kissed her on the forehead and lay down next to her resting his head in her lap, may be for the last time.
When she was sure Arnav had fallen asleep, she opened her eyes and let the tear meander down her cheek that she had held onto in her eye while Arnav whispered in her ear. She looked down at him, peacefully resting in her lap. Her heart ached for him, even cloaked in sleep's peaceful veil, she knew from the pain in his voice and the way he lay in the fetal position on her lap that he was in immense pain. She swooped down and left an impression of her lips on his forehead, then placing her hand in his hair, smoothing it out she whispered with watery eyes, 'I love you too', back to him.
When she was sure Arnav had fallen asleep, she opened her eyes and let the tear meander down her cheek that she had held onto in her eye while Arnav whispered in her ear. She looked down at him, peacefully resting in her lap. Her heart ached for him, even cloaked in sleep's peaceful veil, she knew from the pain in his voice and the way he lay in the fetal position on her lap that he was in immense pain. She swooped down and left an impression of her lips on his forehead, then placing her hand in his hair, smoothing it out she whispered with watery eyes, 'I love you too', back to him.
Arnav awoke with a start next morning. He had had a horrible dream, he had been terribly alone in it, and it didn't help that Khushi was not next to him, when the moment's disorientation after waking up wore off. Panic surged through his body as he leapt off from the bed and ran frantically down stairs screaming out her name, but no one was around.
'Khushi!! Khushi!!' he searched painstakingly, in the kitchen, near the dining area, in the mandir but he couldn't find her or anyone for that matter. Panic began turning into hysteria and he felt his insides churn, his nightmare was coming true, he was all alone paying for his crimes. No one was with him, none of them had even stopped to ask him for his side of the story. His whole body shook from the fear; and so when a warm hand squeezed his cold sweaty shoulder, he jumped and landed a feet away from the outstretched hand of Khushi.
'Arnav ji...' She managed in a small voice, concern painted over her face.
'Khu- Khushi...' he stammered before he collided into her and enveloped her into a bear tight hug. After a while, when the dread of being alone started to wash away and the warmth from Khushi's body spread through him, he uttered in anxious whispers, 'where were you? I was so scared...don't ever leave me Khushi...please don't ever leave me like that ever again...'
'Ssshh...Sshhh...Arnav ji, it's ok, I'm right here...I am not going anywhere...I was outside in the garden, I went to get some fresh flowers for the mandir...Ssshhh Sshhh', and when he kept on persisting her not to leave him, she added, 'I won't leave you Arnav ji, why would you even think that...what could you possibly do that would make me take such a drastic decision...I know I can be a drama queen at times, but even I'm not that dramatic...' but the weak attempt at humour by her did not help, instead he seemed to become more rigid, which left an uneasy feeling inside of her, 'Arnav ji, I am not going to leave you, why would you think I would?'
Her question, instantly removed the warmth from his body and he found himself more cold then before. Her question brought back the reality, the reality that she was unaware of. The reality he had to tell her about. The reality she had a right to know about. The reality that would answer her innocent question of what would make her leave him...
After giving her one tight squeeze, he broke away from her, not meeting her eyes. He saw the flower in her hand, for the mandir and looked towards the Goddess in the temple. With Her encouraging smile, he took a deep breath and said without meeting Khushi's eyes, 'Khushi...we...I...there is something I need to tell you...But wait before I do, there is someone else who has the right to know just as much as you do,' he scanned the hallway, but saw no one, 'Where is Di?'
Khushi swallowed back the hard lump that hard formed in her throat due to the serious tone Arnav had taken and said, 'everyone went to the Mandir.' She stared at him hard, wanting to him to turn around and face her, showing her that whatever he wanted to say wasn't that heinous that he couldn't meet her eyes. But he didn't look at her, and this unnerved her.
After a moment or two, during which it seemed Arnav was having an internal debate over something, he finally sighed and turned his face in her direction and for a single second managed to look at her before diverting his eyes again as he said, 'Ok, well then I will just have to tell Di later, but I shouldn't delay in telling you any longer, its' not right. You had questions for me yesterday, I have your answers today. You wanted the truth and I can no longer bury it. It is time I told you everything.' With that, he extended out his hand, hesitated for a second before he took her hand, which broke Khushi's heart further for he never had done so before, and led her back up to their room where he sat her down on the bed and kneeled next to her.
His body language, his manner and his desperate attempt to avoid Khushi's eyes all made him reek of guilt and made the very hair on the back of Khushi's neck stand. Until yesterday she was angry at him for not telling him the truth, for hiding his past, but today she wanted nothing more than to run away from it, she didn't want to know the truth that Arnav had decided to tell her, she didn't want to know anything that could potentially hurt their relationship. She just wanted to stay enwrapped in their bubble, inside which it was just the two of them, and the rest of the World did not exist. She didn't want to know any truth that would burst that bubble and break their little World. But even though every nerve in her body begged her to flee something stopped her, and she sat down, perplexed, to listen to his truth.
There was a long silence, during which Arnav thought over where to begin from. How to tell her, make her understand to an extent that would allow her to at least realise the nineteen year old Arnav's reasoning's behind his actions, so that she would at the least not hate him and may be, just maybe find a way to forgive him.
All the while Khushi held on to his hand not wanting to let it go, not wanting to let her Arnav ji go. She could sense that whatever he was about to reveal to her, would probably shatter her world, but she wanted to believe that as long as her hand was entwined with Arnav's they would survive it. As long as their fingers remained interlocked, no truth, no reality, nothing would separate them. And so she held on to him for dear life, for she couldn't bear the thought of letting him go.
After what seemed hours, Arnav finally heaved a sigh, and began, what was the beginning of the end for him.
'Khushi...there are a lot of things about me and my past that you don't know...some because I didn't know myself and others...others because I did not want to remember them myself. Because I am not proud of the things I have done in the past, I am not proud of the man I was before I met you...and...and I foolishly thought that those things would remain in my past and never invade our present and so I too readily buried them and moved on to start a new life with you. I didn't want to have anything to do with the life I led before I met you and I didn't wish to burden you with the ASR you never met, I didn't want you to know that part of me, because that part of me no longer exists Khushi, it doesn't, and so I did not tell you. But I never thought for a second that just because I chose to forget it, that it wouldn't, and instead would come raiding our present and threaten the very fibres of our future.' Khushi had gone very still, after hearing his preamble, she feared what was to follow, and so did he. He took a deep breath, while Khushi out of the corner of her eye saw the traces of tears forming in his.
'Khushi, before I proceed into the demons of my past, I want to clarify one thing to you, I did not hide the fact that Aarav was my son. I...I myself didn't know I had one. Khushi, you have got to believe me when I say that until yesterday I had no idea he even existed. If I had I would have told you. I would never keep anything like that from you, you know that don't you. Please tell me you believe that...' for the first time since they had hugged in the corridor, he had looked up at her. His eyes piercing hers, begging her to believe him. And she did. Although when she tried to open her mouth to let him know that she did, she couldn't. It had gone very dry, from his prelude, and the fear of what was to follow. The fear which was what kept her glued to her position on the bed and maybe it was that which had also sealed her mouth too. All she managed to do was give him a stiff nod. However, that did the trick and brought a watery smile to his face. She believed him. That was enough for now. Forgiveness, he would work on. The fact that she trusted him to tell her the truth, was the encouragement he needed to push on and tell her the rest of his story.
'Khushi...I...I have told you about my past, about my parents, and how betrayed and hurt I felt after what my Dad did and what it led to in our family. But what I failed to mention was exactly how crushed and distraught I felt after it all had happened, especially after Di was left stranded at her marriage alter. Her dreams shattered, her happiness taken away. The most important day of her life, the day the Heavens were supposed to shower their merry blessings on her, had turned out to be the day when the ground had parted allowing hell to open Her devastating fury on us for a crime we had not even committed.' His brows were furrowed by the very memory of that catastrophic day, and he could feel the anger he had felt then bubble once again inside of him. It still stung brutally, for the scars of that day had never healed and talking about it only made them burn more.
'I was so angry then Khushi. That day killed any good that was inside of me and gave way to the gifts from hell. Hell had started its' very own fire inside of me, the fire of anger, of anguish, of hatred. And all I wanted to do was lash out and give the world and it's people just as much pain as they had given me and my innocent sister.'
A frightened whimper escaped Khushi's lips and brought Arnav out of his feverish description of his past and how he felt. In his decision to tell Khushi everything from his past he had let all the floodgates open, allowing him to once again revive the anger, the hurt, the betrayal he had felt back then. However, once immersed in those emotions he did not realise when his face had turned livid with the recollection of that tragic day scaring Khushi as she witnessed an Arnav she had never witnessed before. His voice, his tenor, his visage, his grip on her, and his body language all had suddenly changed with that one recollection and suddenly he was someone completely different. Someone she found trouble laying eyes on, as his whole being emitted such hatred, such anger that she felt her every bone go numb in the presence of such immense wrath. Seeing him like this made her very core shake with terror, terror which slowly rose up her throat, built up in her dry mouth and escaped in the form of a low whimper from her trembling lips.
It was this whimper that snapped Arnav back to the present. When he saw the white face of Khushi, caused by his sudden outburst of emotion, he wished he hadn't embarked on this journey to the past. There was no hint of blood in her face, it was completely white while her eyes were wide with fear and lips trembling blue from alarm. She was afraid of him. Of him. All the anger he felt washed away as a shiver crept down his spine, seeing the result of his dark side on her. He relaxed his grip on her hand and carefully moved them towards her face.
'Khushi...' he penetrated cautiously, 'Khushi its' ok. I'm Arnav...your Arnav...Khushi...are you alright?'
It took her a while before his soft, caring voice, entered her and returned any sensation back inside her. Her limbs were still paralysed from the shock of what they had witnessed, but she managed a slow nod of the head to show that she was ok. As some blood seeped back into her face, she mumbled in the faintest of voices, 'I...I...'
'Its' ok. I know. I am sorry you had to see that. You shouldn't have had to see that side of me, the side that brought only destruction, nothing else. I am sorry, I should have kept a better hold over my emotions. I was supposed to tell you about my past wrongs, instead I made you see a part of me that even I shudder to think about.' He hung his head low, ashamed of making her so afraid of him.
By this time the shock of seeing the rage filled Arnav Singh Raizada had passed, and she was managing to control her features better, to hide whatever was left of that shock, even if her heart was still beating a mile per second. She lifted her shaking hand and guardedly rested it on his bowed head. Still scared of him, but also unable to see him so guilt-ridden. 'Arnav ji...'she managed, 'I...umm...I...Its'...I...I umm...I'm...I'm ok...really I am fine now...I...I just...I-' but she stopped abruptly and snatched her hand away from him as a thought jumped into her head. A thought that horrified her more than the frightful presence of her husband's past.
I was so angry then Khushi...the side that brought only destruction, nothing else... That day killed any good that was inside of me and gave way to the gifts from hell.
Hell had started its' very own fire inside of me, the fire of anger, of anguish, of hatred. And all I wanted to do was lash out and give the world and it's people just as much pain as they had given me and my innocent sister.
He had wanted to hurt people, cause them pain...did that mean...had Arnav ji...no no no no, he wouldn't...he couldn't...could he...well a day ago she had thought herself ridiculous, filmy and over suspicions for thinking he had fathered a child...and she had been proven wrong...could she be wrong right now too...No!! She knew Arnav ji...he would never...but he himself had admitted that he was different back then...darker, angrier...and she knew too well that he was capable of anything in his anger...anything...
Nausea gripped her, as she thought of what had been the reason behind Aarav's birth, of how it happened. She felt light-headed and was swooning. It was only Arnav's voice thick with concern that grounded her and she managed to focus on him and find her centre again. She had gone deathly pale again. Her caramel eyes locked with his chocolate brown ones for a brief moment and then she averted her gaze, unable to ask him the question while looking at him, in case his face answered before his lips.
'Arnav ji...you...you said you were very angry back then...and wanted to...to lash out at the world...did that mean you...you,' her voice faltered, her tongue not having the courage to bring the word that set her very skin on fire. But she had to ask, she had to know, she couldn't run, couldn't hide, for not knowing would knaw her very insides. And so she clenched her fist, crumpling the bed sheets with them, shut her eyes tightly and asked in a very low whisper, 'did you...rape Aarav's mother?'
He stared at her in shock. Her eyes were still shut tight and fists twisting the bed sheets around her. She thought he had raped Sheetal. Rape!! How could she think that...he would never...but wait seeing it from her point of view he understood why she had come to that conclusion, she was still in shock, and had just glimpsed a side of him that she had never known to exist. And his dramatic description of his feelings would lead her to believe that. Also he had given her the impression that Aarav was not a love child, so naturally she had drawn these conclusions. And she wasn't too far from the truth, he hadn't raped Sheetal, but he hadn't made love to her either. And may be, if it had come down to it, maybe he might have slumped that low and done that, so he couldn't really blame her for thinking the worst of him.
His shoulders slumped, and his gaze dropped low as he replied in a tone that was saturated with resentment for himself, for the man he had once been,
'No.'
There was silence for a moment, her eyes were still shut, but her shoulders relaxed causing her hands to stop strangling the bed sheet beneath her, as she took in what he said. He kept his eyes glued to the floor.
'No I didn't rape her...instead, I did something worse.' For what he had done was worse than rape. Her eyes shot open at that and she gaped at him, trying to decipher what could possibly be worse than rape for a girl, but couldn't understand. And when she didn't say anything, he prodded on with the story.
'Khushi I was so angry, and I just wanted revenge, but my dad, the main culprit was dead and I couldn't take my anger out on anybody. So I focused on the one person I could lay blame on. Viraj.' He was silent for a moment. Trying to collect his emotions, not wanting Khushi to witness his darkside again. She didn't need to be subjected to that trauma, it wasn't her fault that a monster existed inside of him.
'Viraj was Di's ex-fianc, the man she was very much in love with, the man she was going to marry, but he left her...left her on the altar, because he was too afraid that Di would be just as weak as Ma. That she harboured suicidal tendencies within her too. So he left her, and all of us making our grief even more unbearable. Everyone left us that day, Ma, Bau ji, Dadi, Chachu and Viraj...me and Di were left all alone to console ourselves. I don't know how we would have survived if Nana and Nani had abandoned us too. But no, they saw what everyone else refused to see, that we were innocent victims in all of this and took us in.
'I had been very close to Viraj, I saw him as my elder brother. And was more hurt by his abandonment than anyone else's. Except Ma's of course. But yes after Ma's suicide, Bau ji's betrayal and cowardice, it was Viraj's abandonment that hurt more than anyone else's. And seeing as he was the only one left alive out of all of them I wanted to hurt him just as bad. But I couldn't do anything than, I was only fifteen, and we had been whisked away from Lucknow to Delhi, as my Nana and Mama's business was established here. For 3 years I festered my wounds from Lucknow there, and when I graduated and was of age I set out that summer to find Viraj and exact my revenge on him, but failed and by the time it was September I was due to go to the States to for further studies. So I left, angry that my revenge was left unfulfilled. While I was at Harvard, I began to change, the hate inside of me lessened somewhat as I made a few friends, Lavanya being one of them. And so when I returned in the summer vacations I had forgotten about everything that had happened and was busy doing internships and making plans for my own empire one day, which I wanted to start in my final year. And it was during that summer, when I was nineteen that I received an envelope containing information about Viraj and his whereabouts. (Before I had left I had paid a PI (Private Investigator) to find information about Viraj.) When I received that, all my plans about the future, everything left me and my old revenge began to burn again inside of me. Viraj was so close to me, he was in Delhi too. And he had a sister that he loved more than anything, just the way I loved Di. Learning this information the plan for my revenge formed itself inside my head and I acted upon it without even thinking for a second about what the consequences may be, and how I was going to hurt an innocent girl who had nothing to do with her brother's actions.'
Khushi's hands tightened around his as the prospect of what he was about to reveal started becoming clearer. (She had wrapped her hands around his after he had started talking about that fateful day again, knowing too well that talking about it and about his father really worked him up.)
'I figured if I broke Sheetal's, Viraj's sister, heart just the way he had broken Di's we would be even. So...so I seduced her, acted as the 'knight in shining armour' in her life, by saving her from some goons, who I had paid myself, and before I knew it she had completely fallen head over heels in love with me!' There was so much disgust in his voice, recounting his sickening actions.
'Then came the ominous night, when I exacted my revenge. I took her to our farmhouse on false pretences, had the power cut so that she would be scared and when the night was at its apex I...I ruined her. Even though she didn't see it that way, for she was well under the spell of my caresses and naively believed we were making love, when I devoured her, fully intending to leave her in the morning.'
Khushi's hand slipped from his hold, as she used it to steady herself on the bed as those words gutted her. Her face had paled once again, but this time her features showed no emotions, for her whole nervous system was in shock and couldn't show any reaction after hearing what Arnav had done.
No I didn't rape her...But I did something worse. What could be worse than rape she had wondered unaware...now she understood that yes there were things worse than rape...and Arnav ji had done just that...
Her heart was beating violently in her chest, and she could feel a scream forming in her gut, but for some reason it was trapped inside and couldn't find its way to her mouth to allow her to bellow. She cast her eyes down to her hands, that were clutching on to the side of the bed, her knuckles had gone white due to the pressure she was applying. She stared at her hand and an insignificant thought, no not an insignificant, but unimportant considering the circumstance right now, came to her mind. She remembered how before this conversation had started she had held onto Arnav's hand, and even throughout the conversation she kept placing her hand on his, not wanting to let go. Holding on to it for dear life. Believing as long as they remained in contact, nothing would separate them, but now, that one phrase...I ruined her...had caused her, herself to rip her hand violently away from his, as if his hand had suddenly caught fire. Their hands had separated.
While the storm had been approaching she had managed to hold on, but when it burst open on them she could no longer, and their hands separated. Did that mean...No, she couldn't be thinking about this right now, she couldn't be so selfish, and it meant nothing...yet it still bothered her. There were much more important things to consider, Arnav had just revealed such a violent truth about his past, and here she had fixated over their hands and how she achingly wanted to hold his but didn't know how too. She wanted to comfort him, wanted comfort from him, but she somehow couldn't move. She tried to get past this and think about the more important things, for example Aarav and what would happen now, yet she couldn't stop thinking about their hands and how they were no longer interlocked. Getting annoyed, at her thoughts she just decided to jerk her hand away from the bed and place it on his again, thereby solving this petty issue that was bothering her. But when she tried to move her hand she found she couldn't, not in his direction any way. It seemed as though her body was reluctant to be in contact with his and she didn't understand why. She found it hard to reach out to him and hold his hand. Why?! It wasn't like he was harbouring a contagious disease or something. She tried again but it would move, now she was afraid, what was happening, why couldn't she move, she jerked her head up in alarm and began to relate to him her concern, when-
SLAP!!
Khushi's eyes widened with shock as found Anjali standing in front of Arnav. Fuming. One hand inches away from his face and the other clutching her heart. There were tears flowing down her cheeks as she stared at her younger brother with so much pain and hurt in her eyes. She had come upstairs to tell them to come downstairs and get the Prasad and blessings of DM they had brought from the Mandir, when she had overheard their conversation. And was heart-broken at hearing what Arnav had done, in the name of avenging his Di.
'Khushi!! Khushi!!' he searched painstakingly, in the kitchen, near the dining area, in the mandir but he couldn't find her or anyone for that matter. Panic began turning into hysteria and he felt his insides churn, his nightmare was coming true, he was all alone paying for his crimes. No one was with him, none of them had even stopped to ask him for his side of the story. His whole body shook from the fear; and so when a warm hand squeezed his cold sweaty shoulder, he jumped and landed a feet away from the outstretched hand of Khushi.
'Arnav ji...' She managed in a small voice, concern painted over her face.
'Khu- Khushi...' he stammered before he collided into her and enveloped her into a bear tight hug. After a while, when the dread of being alone started to wash away and the warmth from Khushi's body spread through him, he uttered in anxious whispers, 'where were you? I was so scared...don't ever leave me Khushi...please don't ever leave me like that ever again...'
'Ssshh...Sshhh...Arnav ji, it's ok, I'm right here...I am not going anywhere...I was outside in the garden, I went to get some fresh flowers for the mandir...Ssshhh Sshhh', and when he kept on persisting her not to leave him, she added, 'I won't leave you Arnav ji, why would you even think that...what could you possibly do that would make me take such a drastic decision...I know I can be a drama queen at times, but even I'm not that dramatic...' but the weak attempt at humour by her did not help, instead he seemed to become more rigid, which left an uneasy feeling inside of her, 'Arnav ji, I am not going to leave you, why would you think I would?'
Her question, instantly removed the warmth from his body and he found himself more cold then before. Her question brought back the reality, the reality that she was unaware of. The reality he had to tell her about. The reality she had a right to know about. The reality that would answer her innocent question of what would make her leave him...
After giving her one tight squeeze, he broke away from her, not meeting her eyes. He saw the flower in her hand, for the mandir and looked towards the Goddess in the temple. With Her encouraging smile, he took a deep breath and said without meeting Khushi's eyes, 'Khushi...we...I...there is something I need to tell you...But wait before I do, there is someone else who has the right to know just as much as you do,' he scanned the hallway, but saw no one, 'Where is Di?'
Khushi swallowed back the hard lump that hard formed in her throat due to the serious tone Arnav had taken and said, 'everyone went to the Mandir.' She stared at him hard, wanting to him to turn around and face her, showing her that whatever he wanted to say wasn't that heinous that he couldn't meet her eyes. But he didn't look at her, and this unnerved her.
After a moment or two, during which it seemed Arnav was having an internal debate over something, he finally sighed and turned his face in her direction and for a single second managed to look at her before diverting his eyes again as he said, 'Ok, well then I will just have to tell Di later, but I shouldn't delay in telling you any longer, its' not right. You had questions for me yesterday, I have your answers today. You wanted the truth and I can no longer bury it. It is time I told you everything.' With that, he extended out his hand, hesitated for a second before he took her hand, which broke Khushi's heart further for he never had done so before, and led her back up to their room where he sat her down on the bed and kneeled next to her.
His body language, his manner and his desperate attempt to avoid Khushi's eyes all made him reek of guilt and made the very hair on the back of Khushi's neck stand. Until yesterday she was angry at him for not telling him the truth, for hiding his past, but today she wanted nothing more than to run away from it, she didn't want to know the truth that Arnav had decided to tell her, she didn't want to know anything that could potentially hurt their relationship. She just wanted to stay enwrapped in their bubble, inside which it was just the two of them, and the rest of the World did not exist. She didn't want to know any truth that would burst that bubble and break their little World. But even though every nerve in her body begged her to flee something stopped her, and she sat down, perplexed, to listen to his truth.
There was a long silence, during which Arnav thought over where to begin from. How to tell her, make her understand to an extent that would allow her to at least realise the nineteen year old Arnav's reasoning's behind his actions, so that she would at the least not hate him and may be, just maybe find a way to forgive him.
All the while Khushi held on to his hand not wanting to let it go, not wanting to let her Arnav ji go. She could sense that whatever he was about to reveal to her, would probably shatter her world, but she wanted to believe that as long as her hand was entwined with Arnav's they would survive it. As long as their fingers remained interlocked, no truth, no reality, nothing would separate them. And so she held on to him for dear life, for she couldn't bear the thought of letting him go.
After what seemed hours, Arnav finally heaved a sigh, and began, what was the beginning of the end for him.
'Khushi...there are a lot of things about me and my past that you don't know...some because I didn't know myself and others...others because I did not want to remember them myself. Because I am not proud of the things I have done in the past, I am not proud of the man I was before I met you...and...and I foolishly thought that those things would remain in my past and never invade our present and so I too readily buried them and moved on to start a new life with you. I didn't want to have anything to do with the life I led before I met you and I didn't wish to burden you with the ASR you never met, I didn't want you to know that part of me, because that part of me no longer exists Khushi, it doesn't, and so I did not tell you. But I never thought for a second that just because I chose to forget it, that it wouldn't, and instead would come raiding our present and threaten the very fibres of our future.' Khushi had gone very still, after hearing his preamble, she feared what was to follow, and so did he. He took a deep breath, while Khushi out of the corner of her eye saw the traces of tears forming in his.
'Khushi, before I proceed into the demons of my past, I want to clarify one thing to you, I did not hide the fact that Aarav was my son. I...I myself didn't know I had one. Khushi, you have got to believe me when I say that until yesterday I had no idea he even existed. If I had I would have told you. I would never keep anything like that from you, you know that don't you. Please tell me you believe that...' for the first time since they had hugged in the corridor, he had looked up at her. His eyes piercing hers, begging her to believe him. And she did. Although when she tried to open her mouth to let him know that she did, she couldn't. It had gone very dry, from his prelude, and the fear of what was to follow. The fear which was what kept her glued to her position on the bed and maybe it was that which had also sealed her mouth too. All she managed to do was give him a stiff nod. However, that did the trick and brought a watery smile to his face. She believed him. That was enough for now. Forgiveness, he would work on. The fact that she trusted him to tell her the truth, was the encouragement he needed to push on and tell her the rest of his story.
'Khushi...I...I have told you about my past, about my parents, and how betrayed and hurt I felt after what my Dad did and what it led to in our family. But what I failed to mention was exactly how crushed and distraught I felt after it all had happened, especially after Di was left stranded at her marriage alter. Her dreams shattered, her happiness taken away. The most important day of her life, the day the Heavens were supposed to shower their merry blessings on her, had turned out to be the day when the ground had parted allowing hell to open Her devastating fury on us for a crime we had not even committed.' His brows were furrowed by the very memory of that catastrophic day, and he could feel the anger he had felt then bubble once again inside of him. It still stung brutally, for the scars of that day had never healed and talking about it only made them burn more.
'I was so angry then Khushi. That day killed any good that was inside of me and gave way to the gifts from hell. Hell had started its' very own fire inside of me, the fire of anger, of anguish, of hatred. And all I wanted to do was lash out and give the world and it's people just as much pain as they had given me and my innocent sister.'
A frightened whimper escaped Khushi's lips and brought Arnav out of his feverish description of his past and how he felt. In his decision to tell Khushi everything from his past he had let all the floodgates open, allowing him to once again revive the anger, the hurt, the betrayal he had felt back then. However, once immersed in those emotions he did not realise when his face had turned livid with the recollection of that tragic day scaring Khushi as she witnessed an Arnav she had never witnessed before. His voice, his tenor, his visage, his grip on her, and his body language all had suddenly changed with that one recollection and suddenly he was someone completely different. Someone she found trouble laying eyes on, as his whole being emitted such hatred, such anger that she felt her every bone go numb in the presence of such immense wrath. Seeing him like this made her very core shake with terror, terror which slowly rose up her throat, built up in her dry mouth and escaped in the form of a low whimper from her trembling lips.
It was this whimper that snapped Arnav back to the present. When he saw the white face of Khushi, caused by his sudden outburst of emotion, he wished he hadn't embarked on this journey to the past. There was no hint of blood in her face, it was completely white while her eyes were wide with fear and lips trembling blue from alarm. She was afraid of him. Of him. All the anger he felt washed away as a shiver crept down his spine, seeing the result of his dark side on her. He relaxed his grip on her hand and carefully moved them towards her face.
'Khushi...' he penetrated cautiously, 'Khushi its' ok. I'm Arnav...your Arnav...Khushi...are you alright?'
It took her a while before his soft, caring voice, entered her and returned any sensation back inside her. Her limbs were still paralysed from the shock of what they had witnessed, but she managed a slow nod of the head to show that she was ok. As some blood seeped back into her face, she mumbled in the faintest of voices, 'I...I...'
'Its' ok. I know. I am sorry you had to see that. You shouldn't have had to see that side of me, the side that brought only destruction, nothing else. I am sorry, I should have kept a better hold over my emotions. I was supposed to tell you about my past wrongs, instead I made you see a part of me that even I shudder to think about.' He hung his head low, ashamed of making her so afraid of him.
By this time the shock of seeing the rage filled Arnav Singh Raizada had passed, and she was managing to control her features better, to hide whatever was left of that shock, even if her heart was still beating a mile per second. She lifted her shaking hand and guardedly rested it on his bowed head. Still scared of him, but also unable to see him so guilt-ridden. 'Arnav ji...'she managed, 'I...umm...I...Its'...I...I umm...I'm...I'm ok...really I am fine now...I...I just...I-' but she stopped abruptly and snatched her hand away from him as a thought jumped into her head. A thought that horrified her more than the frightful presence of her husband's past.
I was so angry then Khushi...the side that brought only destruction, nothing else... That day killed any good that was inside of me and gave way to the gifts from hell.
Hell had started its' very own fire inside of me, the fire of anger, of anguish, of hatred. And all I wanted to do was lash out and give the world and it's people just as much pain as they had given me and my innocent sister.
He had wanted to hurt people, cause them pain...did that mean...had Arnav ji...no no no no, he wouldn't...he couldn't...could he...well a day ago she had thought herself ridiculous, filmy and over suspicions for thinking he had fathered a child...and she had been proven wrong...could she be wrong right now too...No!! She knew Arnav ji...he would never...but he himself had admitted that he was different back then...darker, angrier...and she knew too well that he was capable of anything in his anger...anything...
Nausea gripped her, as she thought of what had been the reason behind Aarav's birth, of how it happened. She felt light-headed and was swooning. It was only Arnav's voice thick with concern that grounded her and she managed to focus on him and find her centre again. She had gone deathly pale again. Her caramel eyes locked with his chocolate brown ones for a brief moment and then she averted her gaze, unable to ask him the question while looking at him, in case his face answered before his lips.
'Arnav ji...you...you said you were very angry back then...and wanted to...to lash out at the world...did that mean you...you,' her voice faltered, her tongue not having the courage to bring the word that set her very skin on fire. But she had to ask, she had to know, she couldn't run, couldn't hide, for not knowing would knaw her very insides. And so she clenched her fist, crumpling the bed sheets with them, shut her eyes tightly and asked in a very low whisper, 'did you...rape Aarav's mother?'
He stared at her in shock. Her eyes were still shut tight and fists twisting the bed sheets around her. She thought he had raped Sheetal. Rape!! How could she think that...he would never...but wait seeing it from her point of view he understood why she had come to that conclusion, she was still in shock, and had just glimpsed a side of him that she had never known to exist. And his dramatic description of his feelings would lead her to believe that. Also he had given her the impression that Aarav was not a love child, so naturally she had drawn these conclusions. And she wasn't too far from the truth, he hadn't raped Sheetal, but he hadn't made love to her either. And may be, if it had come down to it, maybe he might have slumped that low and done that, so he couldn't really blame her for thinking the worst of him.
His shoulders slumped, and his gaze dropped low as he replied in a tone that was saturated with resentment for himself, for the man he had once been,
'No.'
There was silence for a moment, her eyes were still shut, but her shoulders relaxed causing her hands to stop strangling the bed sheet beneath her, as she took in what he said. He kept his eyes glued to the floor.
'No I didn't rape her...instead, I did something worse.' For what he had done was worse than rape. Her eyes shot open at that and she gaped at him, trying to decipher what could possibly be worse than rape for a girl, but couldn't understand. And when she didn't say anything, he prodded on with the story.
'Khushi I was so angry, and I just wanted revenge, but my dad, the main culprit was dead and I couldn't take my anger out on anybody. So I focused on the one person I could lay blame on. Viraj.' He was silent for a moment. Trying to collect his emotions, not wanting Khushi to witness his darkside again. She didn't need to be subjected to that trauma, it wasn't her fault that a monster existed inside of him.
'Viraj was Di's ex-fianc, the man she was very much in love with, the man she was going to marry, but he left her...left her on the altar, because he was too afraid that Di would be just as weak as Ma. That she harboured suicidal tendencies within her too. So he left her, and all of us making our grief even more unbearable. Everyone left us that day, Ma, Bau ji, Dadi, Chachu and Viraj...me and Di were left all alone to console ourselves. I don't know how we would have survived if Nana and Nani had abandoned us too. But no, they saw what everyone else refused to see, that we were innocent victims in all of this and took us in.
'I had been very close to Viraj, I saw him as my elder brother. And was more hurt by his abandonment than anyone else's. Except Ma's of course. But yes after Ma's suicide, Bau ji's betrayal and cowardice, it was Viraj's abandonment that hurt more than anyone else's. And seeing as he was the only one left alive out of all of them I wanted to hurt him just as bad. But I couldn't do anything than, I was only fifteen, and we had been whisked away from Lucknow to Delhi, as my Nana and Mama's business was established here. For 3 years I festered my wounds from Lucknow there, and when I graduated and was of age I set out that summer to find Viraj and exact my revenge on him, but failed and by the time it was September I was due to go to the States to for further studies. So I left, angry that my revenge was left unfulfilled. While I was at Harvard, I began to change, the hate inside of me lessened somewhat as I made a few friends, Lavanya being one of them. And so when I returned in the summer vacations I had forgotten about everything that had happened and was busy doing internships and making plans for my own empire one day, which I wanted to start in my final year. And it was during that summer, when I was nineteen that I received an envelope containing information about Viraj and his whereabouts. (Before I had left I had paid a PI (Private Investigator) to find information about Viraj.) When I received that, all my plans about the future, everything left me and my old revenge began to burn again inside of me. Viraj was so close to me, he was in Delhi too. And he had a sister that he loved more than anything, just the way I loved Di. Learning this information the plan for my revenge formed itself inside my head and I acted upon it without even thinking for a second about what the consequences may be, and how I was going to hurt an innocent girl who had nothing to do with her brother's actions.'
Khushi's hands tightened around his as the prospect of what he was about to reveal started becoming clearer. (She had wrapped her hands around his after he had started talking about that fateful day again, knowing too well that talking about it and about his father really worked him up.)
'I figured if I broke Sheetal's, Viraj's sister, heart just the way he had broken Di's we would be even. So...so I seduced her, acted as the 'knight in shining armour' in her life, by saving her from some goons, who I had paid myself, and before I knew it she had completely fallen head over heels in love with me!' There was so much disgust in his voice, recounting his sickening actions.
'Then came the ominous night, when I exacted my revenge. I took her to our farmhouse on false pretences, had the power cut so that she would be scared and when the night was at its apex I...I ruined her. Even though she didn't see it that way, for she was well under the spell of my caresses and naively believed we were making love, when I devoured her, fully intending to leave her in the morning.'
Khushi's hand slipped from his hold, as she used it to steady herself on the bed as those words gutted her. Her face had paled once again, but this time her features showed no emotions, for her whole nervous system was in shock and couldn't show any reaction after hearing what Arnav had done.
No I didn't rape her...But I did something worse. What could be worse than rape she had wondered unaware...now she understood that yes there were things worse than rape...and Arnav ji had done just that...
Her heart was beating violently in her chest, and she could feel a scream forming in her gut, but for some reason it was trapped inside and couldn't find its way to her mouth to allow her to bellow. She cast her eyes down to her hands, that were clutching on to the side of the bed, her knuckles had gone white due to the pressure she was applying. She stared at her hand and an insignificant thought, no not an insignificant, but unimportant considering the circumstance right now, came to her mind. She remembered how before this conversation had started she had held onto Arnav's hand, and even throughout the conversation she kept placing her hand on his, not wanting to let go. Holding on to it for dear life. Believing as long as they remained in contact, nothing would separate them, but now, that one phrase...I ruined her...had caused her, herself to rip her hand violently away from his, as if his hand had suddenly caught fire. Their hands had separated.
While the storm had been approaching she had managed to hold on, but when it burst open on them she could no longer, and their hands separated. Did that mean...No, she couldn't be thinking about this right now, she couldn't be so selfish, and it meant nothing...yet it still bothered her. There were much more important things to consider, Arnav had just revealed such a violent truth about his past, and here she had fixated over their hands and how she achingly wanted to hold his but didn't know how too. She wanted to comfort him, wanted comfort from him, but she somehow couldn't move. She tried to get past this and think about the more important things, for example Aarav and what would happen now, yet she couldn't stop thinking about their hands and how they were no longer interlocked. Getting annoyed, at her thoughts she just decided to jerk her hand away from the bed and place it on his again, thereby solving this petty issue that was bothering her. But when she tried to move her hand she found she couldn't, not in his direction any way. It seemed as though her body was reluctant to be in contact with his and she didn't understand why. She found it hard to reach out to him and hold his hand. Why?! It wasn't like he was harbouring a contagious disease or something. She tried again but it would move, now she was afraid, what was happening, why couldn't she move, she jerked her head up in alarm and began to relate to him her concern, when-
SLAP!!
Khushi's eyes widened with shock as found Anjali standing in front of Arnav. Fuming. One hand inches away from his face and the other clutching her heart. There were tears flowing down her cheeks as she stared at her younger brother with so much pain and hurt in her eyes. She had come upstairs to tell them to come downstairs and get the Prasad and blessings of DM they had brought from the Mandir, when she had overheard their conversation. And was heart-broken at hearing what Arnav had done, in the name of avenging his Di.
*****
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