'Lavanya ji. How are you? And what's this exciting news? I hope it has something to do with wedding bells chiming in your near future...' smiled Khushi into the phone. It had been so long since she had heard her dear friend's voice, she didn't realise just how much she had missed it.
'Haha, no not that. You and your wedding plans for me Chamkili...you haven't changed one bit. But no I learned my lesson the first time round to not marry for the wrong reasons, as it only brings about a lot of pain. So no I'm not getting married and won't be for a while...well not until I'm ready...' her voice trailed off in amusement. While Khushi was left to wonder what she meant by that comment about marrying for the 'wrong' reasons. What was she talking about?
'Anyhow, I was calling to inform you my dear Chamkili, before you went off on your wedding tangent, that...drum-roll please...are you listening?!!! I'M COMING TO INDIA!!!! ME!!! I'M COMING BACK!!!'
'WHA- REALLY?!! That's great news!! When do you come here? I can't wait to see you.' Squealed Khushi, forgetting all her worries and plights, 'Nani, Di and everyone will be so happy to see you.'
'I know...I can't wait to see them and you and ASR. Oh I can't wait to see your wedding pictures and how ASR looked in his shirvani...he must have looked funny right?! Actually no, he is ASR he probably even pulled that off well, no matter how uncomfortable he must have felt in it. I remember this one time we friends dared him to wear Indian attire for a University function, and I thought that would be the first time he would not do a dare, but he did, even though he was so uncomfortable in it. He kept on checking his shalwar, worried that it may fall off.' Laughed Lavanya as she replayed the memory. Not at all sounding hurt talking about the man who played with her heart.
'So tell me how he is after marriage. Have you finally seen what I saw in him?! I remember how when I used to talk about him you just sat there staring at me as if I had gone insane. What was it that you used to call him...'
'Laad Governor...' said Khushi in a small voice, her throat had constricted as soon as Lavanya had mentioned Arnav, as all his thoughts and memories came flooding back into her mind.
'Oh yeah, laad governor...hahaha...Oh Chamkili you crazy girl. So you finally see what me and Di and Nani have been talking about, about how amazing a person he is. Of course you do, that's why you married him. It's like I always said ASR is a very sweet, loyal and honest person, but people fail to see that for they don't try to penetrate that hard shell of his that he has built around him. They take him for his face value, and don't bother to actually get to know him, it's only those who take the time to know him truly realise the gem he is...and it's only to them he shows his true nature, for they have taken the time to know him, he doesn't bother with people who don't bother with him. And I'm so happy that I got to be one of those few lucky people who ASR let in and showed his true, beautiful side too. Oh Khushi he...he...well what can I say, no words can describe him, but you understand for you know him too now...don't you Khushi?' Khushi could hear the smile in her voice but was completely shocked, for she didn't understand how she could talk so animatedly about Arnav when he had broken her heart, when he hadn't respected her, or her feelings in the slightest.
'Chamkili?! Helloo, Chamkili, are you still there?' Lavanya's musical voice broke through Khushi's reflection.
'hmm...yeah I'm here...I...I'm just confused. I don't get it?'
'Don't get what?' came Lavanya's amused voice.
'How...how can you talk so sweetly about the man who broke your heart? I mean Arnav ji, played with you're feelings and then just left you. How can you be ok with that? I mean I know you have had some time to move on but still, I don't understand how can you speak so nicely of him, when he played with you?' asked a puzzled Khushi.
'Chamkili, you are so weird. You're confused about why I am not insulting you're husband. Most wife's would be happy that one is praising their husband.'
'Well I'm not! I mean I am, don't get me wrong I'm happy that you're not angry with Arnav ji and have forgiven him. But what I don't get is how you managed to forgive him, or get past what he did to you.' Pushed on Khushi trying to understand how Lavanya had managed to get over being played with by Arnav when she who had not been played by him couldn't.
'Why would I need to forgive him Chamkili he did nothing wrong, in fact he saved me from making a huge mistake, like he always has. I'm blessed to have such a caring friend.' This time Khushi heard emotion in her voice, but it wasn't the one she had expected, it was awe for Arnav rather than regret or hurt.
'Ok now I am completely confused.' Came the perplexed sigh of Khushi, 'you're not angry at him for leaving you?'
'Angry? No. Khushi I am grateful to him for doing what he did.'
'Why?'
'Because, my lost little friend, he saved me. Khushi the moment ASR realised that he wasn't in love with me he broke it off. He didn't even listen to me when I tried to tell him that we could still get married and that it wouldn't matter that he didn't love me. He said no, not for him but for me. Because, he said, if he married me knowing that he wasn't in love with me then he would be cheating me: for he would be living with me but not giving me the love, the respect or the right that he should give to his wife. He said that it would be unfair on me and that he would never allow that. He cared far too much for me to let me marry someone who wasn't in love with me, he said I deserved better and he was right Khushi, I do.' She was silent for a moment, over-whelmed by the respect he had given her.
'I mean if he had succumbed to my demands and not cared about me then can you imagine how miserable I would be, for I would be trapped in a loveless marriage. So no Khushi, I am not angry at him; I am grateful to him. Because he stopped me from making a huge mistake. He stopped me from marrying a person for the wrong reason (to marry him in order to make him mine because I like him not because we were good for each other or that he liked me back). He did the right thing by telling me and making me see that marrying him would be wrong for me, because he would never love me and therefore I would never be happy. So you see why I don't despise him, because I can't: he's a true friend Khushi and he cares for me, he always has, then and now. I mean take this trip, of me coming to India next month, for example, why is it happening because he cares for me that's why.'
'What do you mean?' asked Khushi in a dry voice, for all the saliva had suddenly evapourated in her mouth, as this new facet to Lavanya and Arnav's break up was revealed to her that unveiled a part of Arnav she didn't know, or had been thinking did not exist.
'What I mean is that, ASR has made me one the main models for AR's fall collection, because he knew that I always wanted to be a model and so he has made it happen now. I was never interested in a desk job I had only taken it to be near him and to stop any other girl from becoming too close to him. Clearly I didn't do a great job considering you slipped your way into his heart even with me standing guard.' Laughed Lavanya.
'I'm sorry Lavanya ji, I never mea-' started Khushi, realising she had never actually apologised to Lavanya for falling in love with the man she loved.
'Oh don't be silly Chamkili I hold no grudges. Like I said me and ASR weren't meant for each other therefore we didn't click together, whereas you two, you were made for each other, you two complete each other.' There was such honesty and happiness in her voice, that it touched Khushi's heart. She truly meant what she said, she could hear it in the way Lavanya openly told everything that had taken place and with the ease she said it. And it was that content attitude that conveyed to her that she had misunderstood the reason behind Lavanya and Arnav's break up and thereby made a wrong assumption of Arnav's character. But if that was the case then...'Why didn't he tell me himself?' Khushi pondered aloud.
'Hunh? Why he didn't tell you, well that's my fault I asked him not to. See I wanted to be the one to give you the news of me coming, that's why he didn't say anything.' Explained Lavanya, not realising the question wasn't for her or about why Arnav hadn't told Khushi he was appointing Lavanya.
'No, I didn't mean why he didn't tell me that you were coming and that he had given you a modelling assignment, I was just trying to figure out why he never told me the real reason behind your break up. Why he continued to let me think that it was his sheer lack of respect for women and their feelings that led him to break your heart.' Clarified Khushi.
'WHAT?!!! ARE YOU INSANE CHAMKILI!! LACK OF RESPECT FOR WOMEN AND THEIR FEELINGS?!!! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING OR SUGGESTING ABOUT ONE OF THE MOST DECENT MEN I HAVE EVER KNOWN?!!! YOU ARE HIS WIFE!! DON'T YOU KNOW HIM AT ALL?!!' Bellowed Lavanya, not understanding what could make Khushi say such indecent things about such a respectful man, and a loyal and humble friend.
'I have been asking myself that question too Lavanya ji, do I know him or not?' voiced Khushi in a tired voice. The debate had started in her head again.
'Well allow me to answer that for you! You don't know him! If you are sincerely accusing him of such a profanity, then you don't know him at all!!' hollered Lavanya, then after a pause added, 'Khushi my dear, I love you, I do, but I will not stand by idly and let you scorn a man whom I hold the deepest respect for.' Rationalized Lavanya.
Khushi stayed quiet, for she didn't know how to even begin to explain what had brought about these thoughts regarding Arnav's character to her.
Her silence allowed Lavanya calm down, during which she realised that something must really be bothering Khushi if she was thinking such things about Arnav. And she had noticed Arnav quite out of wits when she had spoken to him last too. Something was amiss between them and they were being too proud to share it. Well whatever it was she wasn't going to sit by and let the two most important people in her life throw away theirs'.
'What is this about Khushi, what's going on? Why are you asking such questions about ASR?' When Khushi didn't respond, she prodded, 'what happened Khushi? Tell me. I am the person to tell Khushi, tell me.'
And there it was. DM's sign. Khushi knew it. That was it, that is why DM had wanted Khushi to talk to Lavanya.
Without waiting for another invitation or sign, Khushi began, 'Lavanya ji, its'...I...I don't even know where to begin...I am just so confused.' Sniffed Khushi, the tears began to flow before she had time to register the stinging in her eyes and with them the whole story flowed about Aarav, Sheetal and what Arnav had done, which had resulted in her leaving him.
'Haha, no not that. You and your wedding plans for me Chamkili...you haven't changed one bit. But no I learned my lesson the first time round to not marry for the wrong reasons, as it only brings about a lot of pain. So no I'm not getting married and won't be for a while...well not until I'm ready...' her voice trailed off in amusement. While Khushi was left to wonder what she meant by that comment about marrying for the 'wrong' reasons. What was she talking about?
'Anyhow, I was calling to inform you my dear Chamkili, before you went off on your wedding tangent, that...drum-roll please...are you listening?!!! I'M COMING TO INDIA!!!! ME!!! I'M COMING BACK!!!'
'WHA- REALLY?!! That's great news!! When do you come here? I can't wait to see you.' Squealed Khushi, forgetting all her worries and plights, 'Nani, Di and everyone will be so happy to see you.'
'I know...I can't wait to see them and you and ASR. Oh I can't wait to see your wedding pictures and how ASR looked in his shirvani...he must have looked funny right?! Actually no, he is ASR he probably even pulled that off well, no matter how uncomfortable he must have felt in it. I remember this one time we friends dared him to wear Indian attire for a University function, and I thought that would be the first time he would not do a dare, but he did, even though he was so uncomfortable in it. He kept on checking his shalwar, worried that it may fall off.' Laughed Lavanya as she replayed the memory. Not at all sounding hurt talking about the man who played with her heart.
'So tell me how he is after marriage. Have you finally seen what I saw in him?! I remember how when I used to talk about him you just sat there staring at me as if I had gone insane. What was it that you used to call him...'
'Laad Governor...' said Khushi in a small voice, her throat had constricted as soon as Lavanya had mentioned Arnav, as all his thoughts and memories came flooding back into her mind.
'Oh yeah, laad governor...hahaha...Oh Chamkili you crazy girl. So you finally see what me and Di and Nani have been talking about, about how amazing a person he is. Of course you do, that's why you married him. It's like I always said ASR is a very sweet, loyal and honest person, but people fail to see that for they don't try to penetrate that hard shell of his that he has built around him. They take him for his face value, and don't bother to actually get to know him, it's only those who take the time to know him truly realise the gem he is...and it's only to them he shows his true nature, for they have taken the time to know him, he doesn't bother with people who don't bother with him. And I'm so happy that I got to be one of those few lucky people who ASR let in and showed his true, beautiful side too. Oh Khushi he...he...well what can I say, no words can describe him, but you understand for you know him too now...don't you Khushi?' Khushi could hear the smile in her voice but was completely shocked, for she didn't understand how she could talk so animatedly about Arnav when he had broken her heart, when he hadn't respected her, or her feelings in the slightest.
'Chamkili?! Helloo, Chamkili, are you still there?' Lavanya's musical voice broke through Khushi's reflection.
'hmm...yeah I'm here...I...I'm just confused. I don't get it?'
'Don't get what?' came Lavanya's amused voice.
'How...how can you talk so sweetly about the man who broke your heart? I mean Arnav ji, played with you're feelings and then just left you. How can you be ok with that? I mean I know you have had some time to move on but still, I don't understand how can you speak so nicely of him, when he played with you?' asked a puzzled Khushi.
'Chamkili, you are so weird. You're confused about why I am not insulting you're husband. Most wife's would be happy that one is praising their husband.'
'Well I'm not! I mean I am, don't get me wrong I'm happy that you're not angry with Arnav ji and have forgiven him. But what I don't get is how you managed to forgive him, or get past what he did to you.' Pushed on Khushi trying to understand how Lavanya had managed to get over being played with by Arnav when she who had not been played by him couldn't.
'Why would I need to forgive him Chamkili he did nothing wrong, in fact he saved me from making a huge mistake, like he always has. I'm blessed to have such a caring friend.' This time Khushi heard emotion in her voice, but it wasn't the one she had expected, it was awe for Arnav rather than regret or hurt.
'Ok now I am completely confused.' Came the perplexed sigh of Khushi, 'you're not angry at him for leaving you?'
'Angry? No. Khushi I am grateful to him for doing what he did.'
'Why?'
'Because, my lost little friend, he saved me. Khushi the moment ASR realised that he wasn't in love with me he broke it off. He didn't even listen to me when I tried to tell him that we could still get married and that it wouldn't matter that he didn't love me. He said no, not for him but for me. Because, he said, if he married me knowing that he wasn't in love with me then he would be cheating me: for he would be living with me but not giving me the love, the respect or the right that he should give to his wife. He said that it would be unfair on me and that he would never allow that. He cared far too much for me to let me marry someone who wasn't in love with me, he said I deserved better and he was right Khushi, I do.' She was silent for a moment, over-whelmed by the respect he had given her.
'I mean if he had succumbed to my demands and not cared about me then can you imagine how miserable I would be, for I would be trapped in a loveless marriage. So no Khushi, I am not angry at him; I am grateful to him. Because he stopped me from making a huge mistake. He stopped me from marrying a person for the wrong reason (to marry him in order to make him mine because I like him not because we were good for each other or that he liked me back). He did the right thing by telling me and making me see that marrying him would be wrong for me, because he would never love me and therefore I would never be happy. So you see why I don't despise him, because I can't: he's a true friend Khushi and he cares for me, he always has, then and now. I mean take this trip, of me coming to India next month, for example, why is it happening because he cares for me that's why.'
'What do you mean?' asked Khushi in a dry voice, for all the saliva had suddenly evapourated in her mouth, as this new facet to Lavanya and Arnav's break up was revealed to her that unveiled a part of Arnav she didn't know, or had been thinking did not exist.
'What I mean is that, ASR has made me one the main models for AR's fall collection, because he knew that I always wanted to be a model and so he has made it happen now. I was never interested in a desk job I had only taken it to be near him and to stop any other girl from becoming too close to him. Clearly I didn't do a great job considering you slipped your way into his heart even with me standing guard.' Laughed Lavanya.
'I'm sorry Lavanya ji, I never mea-' started Khushi, realising she had never actually apologised to Lavanya for falling in love with the man she loved.
'Oh don't be silly Chamkili I hold no grudges. Like I said me and ASR weren't meant for each other therefore we didn't click together, whereas you two, you were made for each other, you two complete each other.' There was such honesty and happiness in her voice, that it touched Khushi's heart. She truly meant what she said, she could hear it in the way Lavanya openly told everything that had taken place and with the ease she said it. And it was that content attitude that conveyed to her that she had misunderstood the reason behind Lavanya and Arnav's break up and thereby made a wrong assumption of Arnav's character. But if that was the case then...'Why didn't he tell me himself?' Khushi pondered aloud.
'Hunh? Why he didn't tell you, well that's my fault I asked him not to. See I wanted to be the one to give you the news of me coming, that's why he didn't say anything.' Explained Lavanya, not realising the question wasn't for her or about why Arnav hadn't told Khushi he was appointing Lavanya.
'No, I didn't mean why he didn't tell me that you were coming and that he had given you a modelling assignment, I was just trying to figure out why he never told me the real reason behind your break up. Why he continued to let me think that it was his sheer lack of respect for women and their feelings that led him to break your heart.' Clarified Khushi.
'WHAT?!!! ARE YOU INSANE CHAMKILI!! LACK OF RESPECT FOR WOMEN AND THEIR FEELINGS?!!! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING OR SUGGESTING ABOUT ONE OF THE MOST DECENT MEN I HAVE EVER KNOWN?!!! YOU ARE HIS WIFE!! DON'T YOU KNOW HIM AT ALL?!!' Bellowed Lavanya, not understanding what could make Khushi say such indecent things about such a respectful man, and a loyal and humble friend.
'I have been asking myself that question too Lavanya ji, do I know him or not?' voiced Khushi in a tired voice. The debate had started in her head again.
'Well allow me to answer that for you! You don't know him! If you are sincerely accusing him of such a profanity, then you don't know him at all!!' hollered Lavanya, then after a pause added, 'Khushi my dear, I love you, I do, but I will not stand by idly and let you scorn a man whom I hold the deepest respect for.' Rationalized Lavanya.
Khushi stayed quiet, for she didn't know how to even begin to explain what had brought about these thoughts regarding Arnav's character to her.
Her silence allowed Lavanya calm down, during which she realised that something must really be bothering Khushi if she was thinking such things about Arnav. And she had noticed Arnav quite out of wits when she had spoken to him last too. Something was amiss between them and they were being too proud to share it. Well whatever it was she wasn't going to sit by and let the two most important people in her life throw away theirs'.
'What is this about Khushi, what's going on? Why are you asking such questions about ASR?' When Khushi didn't respond, she prodded, 'what happened Khushi? Tell me. I am the person to tell Khushi, tell me.'
And there it was. DM's sign. Khushi knew it. That was it, that is why DM had wanted Khushi to talk to Lavanya.
Without waiting for another invitation or sign, Khushi began, 'Lavanya ji, its'...I...I don't even know where to begin...I am just so confused.' Sniffed Khushi, the tears began to flow before she had time to register the stinging in her eyes and with them the whole story flowed about Aarav, Sheetal and what Arnav had done, which had resulted in her leaving him.
'Shh...Shhh...calm down Chamkili. Calm down its' ok. We will figure this out together. Ok?' Lavanya soothed Khushi through the phone and not until she heard the long, hard blow of Khushi's nose from the other end, to tell her that she had finally stopped crying and was prepared to listen to Lavanya, she didn't continue.
'Ok Chamkili, from what you have told me I can see why you are doubting ASR and your own judgements concerning him. But being your friend and one ASR's oldest friends I will try and tell you why, even though I believe everything you have said about what he has done, I still can manage to trust ASR.' She took a deep breath, before she plunged into her explanation.
'Firstly, I would like to clear the reason behind our break-up Khushi. Like I already said it was never about him playing with my heart but rather protecting it, besides if anyone played with my heart in that relationship than it was me not him. See Chamkili, what you have got to understand about ASR is that he is an amazing person and so when someone like him comes in to your life you don't want to let him go, and that's exactly what I did. He was the best thing that happened to me so I clung on, and he let me, because he's ASR and he doesn't let go of people unless he absolutely has too. So falling in love with him was not hard, what was hard was trying to keep his love. He never loved me, Chamkili, we were always just amazing friends, but because he was the closest to me I started believing that he loved me too, because he gave me more time than anyone else. But the truth was he never did, he never said he loved me but I wanted him so badly, I started making myself believe that he did. So anyway time went on, I came with him to India, even there he kept me closer than everyone else and the lie I had told myself started becoming real, until you came into the picture. From the very first time he met you, you made a deep impression on him, although at that point he chose to ignore and squash his feelings for you. He didn't like the feeling of not being in control of himself, which is exactly the way you made him feel. Seeing your closeness I started treating you cruelly, making fun of you whenever I could (I'm sorry for that) to try and make him hate you, I was so glad when you finally resigned, because I felt that I would have ASR to myself again, for the few days you worked at AR I could see how you completely occupied his mind and I didn't like that.
'Anyhow, as fate would have it, Di appointed you to make me all 'Desi' so that Nani would approve and somewhere along those training period we became great friends, for I saw you weren't trying to steal ASR from me but were trying to make sure he never leaves me. But during this time what none of us realised was how ASR's mask of hatred towards you began to thin and he finally gave into his feelings on numerous occasions. I saw it, his mask thin many times, but I would tell myself the lie that I was imagining it and try and forget it. But finally the day before our engagement he was worried about you and when I walked in during one of his reflective moments regarding you he mistook me to be you and apologised to you for all the harsh treatment he had inflicted upon you. That's when it all became real and I could not deny it any longer, although I tried but he wouldn't let me, because he finally realised that day that he was wronging me for he didn't love me. I'm not sure whether he understood just then that he had fallen in love with you or not, but he had understood this much that he cared more about you, the person he claimed to hate, than about me the person he was about to marry. So he broke it off, to protect me from a lifetime's worth of heart-ache. I tried to stop him, tell him that it was ok, but he wouldn't listen for he couldn't bear to hurt me anymore. He was ashamed for stringing me along for so long and said enough was enough, he wasn't going to give me false hope as I deserved better. Thus we broke-up.' Her voice faltered as she tried to conceal the emotion from Khushi. She didn't want her to think that part of her still loved Arnav, for it would be wrong as he was married now. Khushi heard it but didn't comment, not wanting to make the moment more awkward than it already was.
'So you see,' Lavanya began again in her smooth voice, clearly managing to stem the emotion that had threatened to flow moments before, 'he did me a favour Khushi. And like I said, I always knew deep down inside that he didn't love me, but just didn't want to believe it; and so if anything I am more at fault for my heart-break than he is, for he didn't even know that he didn't love me, the moment he realised it he broke it off, I on the other hand knew deep down but was afraid to admit it. Although if you ask him he will probably take all the blame on himself as always, even though I told him that he shouldn't for I don't blame him. But that's ASR, he has a habit of blaming himself for anything that goes wrong in his vicinity. Which is a point I want you to take into consideration regarding what took place between him and Sheetal...Look I don't deny what he did was wrong because it was, it was brutally wrong for him to use her like that for revenge and I can imagine just how hurt Di must have been. But what I want you to ask yourself is this, who told you the story Khushi? ASR. Right. Not Sheetal, not Viraj. But ASR. And in my opinion that makes all the difference.' Khushi waited for Lavanya to expand on this statement.
'Chamkili normally when people tell a story about their past, horrific or beautiful, they tend to paint themselves in as many pretty colours as possible. They will always present themselves to be better than they actually were at the time they are relating. Its' human nature, we all do it. All of us, except for ASR. He is the opposite, he has a habit of taking the darkest of colours to paint the most monstrous portrait of himself possible. That's just the way he is, instead of clearing his name or trying to explain himself, he will place the cruelest verdict upon himself. He will relate himself to be worse than he actually was and will not even try to expunge himself but rather will convict himself even before one has the chance to do it. People have all sorts of pet peeves Khushi, one of ASR's favourite one is to blame himself, then writhe in guilt for it (even when he is not to blame) and then punish himself. Look don't get me wrong here, in regard to Sheetal he is the culprit and should be punished for what he did, all I am saying is don't be too quick to believe everything he said, because he has a habit of making himself appear worse than he actually is, it has to do with his mother committing suicide.
'See she left him, so a part of him believes he doesn't deserve love, that he is someone everyone should hate, therefore he makes sure people hate him by pushing everyone away, its' not until one pushes back and breaks through that wall he has built around him then do they finally see he is in actuality an amazing human being and needs and deserves a lot more love than he allows himself to receive.' She paused to catch a breath and hydrate herself, Khushi could hear the sound of glass clinking and then her gulping slowly.
'I know what you're thinking,' Khushi could hear a smile in her voice, 'what does she know about him blaming himself, and pushing people away due to his mothers' suicide, she's not a psychiatrist! And yes you're right I am not. But in the case of ASR I am, well not me but I consulted a psychiatrist once regarding him to try and understand him. I think it was actually sometime after that summer you mentioned when he plotted against Sheetal. You said he was nineteen right? ' Khushi replied with a hoarse 'yes'.
'Aah, yes now it makes sense, I always did wonder what happened during that summer that completely changed ASR. See I had known him for a year by then and towards the end of our first year we had became great friends, so close that I was actually the first to learn about his parents and everything that had happened. When I had first met him he was a very reserved and angry person, but through the course of the year he lightened up and actually became quite fun, everyone loved him. But then when he returned after the summer he was back to being reserved and tight-lipped, he began pushing all of his friends away and kept to himself. Always dark and brooding. Something was bothering him but he never talked about it, I pestered him wanting to know what it was but he never said, now I know it must have been his time with Sheetal.
'Anyway, so he pushed us all away, even me and for some time I kept my distance; that is when I went to a psychiatrist to ask for some guidance. I wanted to understand why someone who had loosened up and become such good friends with all of us was now pushing us away. I related to him ASR's past and everything, and he was the one who told me that ASR was pushing us away because he felt he shouldn't be loved, he was punishing himself for something, I asked what but he said only ASR would know and not until he told someone he probably would continue to punish himself. He gave ASR's behaviour some fancy term which I can't remember but the point is that he said it was a common behaviour seen in a lot of orphaned/abandoned children. After that I decided I would not let him do this, I wouldn't let him close himself to love and friendship and so I fought my way through that wall of his and he finally let me in, hence I am probably his only closest friend left.
'After we became friends again he seemed to ease up a little but he was never the ASR that I had first come to know, well not until he met you. I think that's also one of the reasons why I let him go so easily because I saw that he was finally giving love a chance, yeah it wasn't with me but at least he was opening his heart again and that's what mattered most. He was happy with you, you made him laugh the way he used to.' She paused, lost in some memory from their time at university.
'And that is why Khushi I won't let you do this,' came her chirpy voice, as she remembered why she had been talking about her university days, 'don't let him go Khushi, he is a better person with you. He is happier with you. And you're happier with him too, aren't you? I mean that's why you are desperately trying to figure out a way to get over your doubt regarding him isn't it?'
Khushi just nodded on her side, unable to form a response after hearing Lavanya's account.
'Chamkili, I know it's' not my place to speak, as it is between you and ASR, but ASR is my oldest friend and you, you are my sweetest friend so I can't stop myself from giving my opinion. I just want you to take into consideration what I have just related to you. Look I am not saying what ASR did wasn't wrong, because it was. All I am saying is that don't judge him for that one act, for it happened a long time ago, when he was a teenager, not really mature enough to make rational decisions and the decision was taken due to one of the most passionate feelings, hate and revenge. A feeling due to which even the most wisest of men have take irrational steps. I know all this doesn't acquit him of his crime, and it shouldn't, but it also should not be the only thing taken into consideration when deciding about his character. Besides the Arnav he was then and the Arnav he is now are poles apart and I can vouch for that, considering I knew him then and I know him now. Also he has punished himself from that day onwards for what he did to Sheetal, his behaviour is evidence of that. So please Chamkili don't just judge him for what he was or what he did, judge him for who he is now.
'Also please don't use our break-up as another piece of evidence of him being a womaniser, because like I said that was not the case. Also if it is about his treatment of women that is plaguing you then let me assure you, that he is a gentleman to them all. He gives them the highest of respect and care, I again can vouch for that. Also I can give you a whole list of other women who can vouch that, all you have to do is ask any woman whoever worked with him, bar yourself. You were I think the only one he ever treated harshly, but that was because, one, he misunderstood you and then he didn't like the way you made him feel. But even then while he was harassing you he still always took care of you, and you cannot deny that. So my dear don't just hold onto this one act he committed so many years ago, take into account all the other things he has done for you, for Nani, for Di, for Payal, Me, Bua ji, Uncle and Aunty. How can you forget all that? How can you hang him for one wrong thing, when he has done so many right things?' Lavanya asked earnestly.
As Lavanya's simple, yet very deep question hit Khushi everything suddenly became very clear. Lavanya was right, how could she condemn Arnav and his character due to one act that he had committed ages ago, an act he was truly ashamed for and was doing everything he could to make it right. Furthermore how could she forget everything else he had done since then, not just for her but for so many people, his employees, his friends and most importantly her relatives. How could she overlook all his goodness for this one bad thing? Well the answer was easy, Lavanya had given that too. The answer was Arnav himself. Like she had said, he had a habit of picking at an old scab and turning it ugly so that one only saw the scab and not the glowing, untouched skin that surrounded it. He had focused all his energy into portraying himself as the villain that Khushi herself had become fixated with that role of his, forgetting that he wasn't the villain, but rather the dark knight, who kept everyone safe but never took credit for it...oh how could she have been so blinkered to not have even looked at the whole picture. She, like Payal had just hanged him for his words, had not even tried to investigate further to see whether he really was guilty or not. He had pleaded guilty and she had let him; rather than remind him and herself that while he was guilty of the crime he was not guilty of being the monster he so claimed to be. While he had been a dark person, he no longer was that man and that is what counted, who he was today, not who he used to be. And today, he was man who would do anything and everything to right his wrongs. A man ready to take responsibility for his actions. A man who deserved to have his family stand by him in support, not have them turn their backs from him due to prejudice. He did not deserve that, not today...
'Chamkili?!! Are you there?!! Have you heard a single word I have said? Hello Chamkili?!!' Lavanya's voice penetrated through Khushi's internal monologue.
'Hunh? Lavanya ji,' came Khushi's dazed voice, she had forgotten Lavanya was still on the line. 'Yes, I am here...but I shouldn't be...'
'What?' Lavanya asked confused.
'Lavanya ji I have to go. You're right, I was wrong to condemn him on the basis of one act. I have to go...' with that she hung the phone and ran to the door, only to run back and pick up her purse and dupatta. She was at the door again, when she turned on her heel and came to a halt in front of her desk where the goddess still stood smiling upon her devout friend. She uttered a quick thank you and a special prayer for Arnav, before she dashed out again leaving a flabbergasted Madhumathi, Garima and Shashi, who couldn't understand what had gotten into their daughter all of a sudden. The girl who hadn't left her room since she had gotten here was now running out of the house as if it was on fire. They all stared after her, and then turned to look at each other not understanding. Finally, Bua ji sighed and shrugged to give her one word explanation for all of Khushi's unexplained behaviour, 'Sanka-devi!' With that they all went back to their work.
'Ok Chamkili, from what you have told me I can see why you are doubting ASR and your own judgements concerning him. But being your friend and one ASR's oldest friends I will try and tell you why, even though I believe everything you have said about what he has done, I still can manage to trust ASR.' She took a deep breath, before she plunged into her explanation.
'Firstly, I would like to clear the reason behind our break-up Khushi. Like I already said it was never about him playing with my heart but rather protecting it, besides if anyone played with my heart in that relationship than it was me not him. See Chamkili, what you have got to understand about ASR is that he is an amazing person and so when someone like him comes in to your life you don't want to let him go, and that's exactly what I did. He was the best thing that happened to me so I clung on, and he let me, because he's ASR and he doesn't let go of people unless he absolutely has too. So falling in love with him was not hard, what was hard was trying to keep his love. He never loved me, Chamkili, we were always just amazing friends, but because he was the closest to me I started believing that he loved me too, because he gave me more time than anyone else. But the truth was he never did, he never said he loved me but I wanted him so badly, I started making myself believe that he did. So anyway time went on, I came with him to India, even there he kept me closer than everyone else and the lie I had told myself started becoming real, until you came into the picture. From the very first time he met you, you made a deep impression on him, although at that point he chose to ignore and squash his feelings for you. He didn't like the feeling of not being in control of himself, which is exactly the way you made him feel. Seeing your closeness I started treating you cruelly, making fun of you whenever I could (I'm sorry for that) to try and make him hate you, I was so glad when you finally resigned, because I felt that I would have ASR to myself again, for the few days you worked at AR I could see how you completely occupied his mind and I didn't like that.
'Anyhow, as fate would have it, Di appointed you to make me all 'Desi' so that Nani would approve and somewhere along those training period we became great friends, for I saw you weren't trying to steal ASR from me but were trying to make sure he never leaves me. But during this time what none of us realised was how ASR's mask of hatred towards you began to thin and he finally gave into his feelings on numerous occasions. I saw it, his mask thin many times, but I would tell myself the lie that I was imagining it and try and forget it. But finally the day before our engagement he was worried about you and when I walked in during one of his reflective moments regarding you he mistook me to be you and apologised to you for all the harsh treatment he had inflicted upon you. That's when it all became real and I could not deny it any longer, although I tried but he wouldn't let me, because he finally realised that day that he was wronging me for he didn't love me. I'm not sure whether he understood just then that he had fallen in love with you or not, but he had understood this much that he cared more about you, the person he claimed to hate, than about me the person he was about to marry. So he broke it off, to protect me from a lifetime's worth of heart-ache. I tried to stop him, tell him that it was ok, but he wouldn't listen for he couldn't bear to hurt me anymore. He was ashamed for stringing me along for so long and said enough was enough, he wasn't going to give me false hope as I deserved better. Thus we broke-up.' Her voice faltered as she tried to conceal the emotion from Khushi. She didn't want her to think that part of her still loved Arnav, for it would be wrong as he was married now. Khushi heard it but didn't comment, not wanting to make the moment more awkward than it already was.
'So you see,' Lavanya began again in her smooth voice, clearly managing to stem the emotion that had threatened to flow moments before, 'he did me a favour Khushi. And like I said, I always knew deep down inside that he didn't love me, but just didn't want to believe it; and so if anything I am more at fault for my heart-break than he is, for he didn't even know that he didn't love me, the moment he realised it he broke it off, I on the other hand knew deep down but was afraid to admit it. Although if you ask him he will probably take all the blame on himself as always, even though I told him that he shouldn't for I don't blame him. But that's ASR, he has a habit of blaming himself for anything that goes wrong in his vicinity. Which is a point I want you to take into consideration regarding what took place between him and Sheetal...Look I don't deny what he did was wrong because it was, it was brutally wrong for him to use her like that for revenge and I can imagine just how hurt Di must have been. But what I want you to ask yourself is this, who told you the story Khushi? ASR. Right. Not Sheetal, not Viraj. But ASR. And in my opinion that makes all the difference.' Khushi waited for Lavanya to expand on this statement.
'Chamkili normally when people tell a story about their past, horrific or beautiful, they tend to paint themselves in as many pretty colours as possible. They will always present themselves to be better than they actually were at the time they are relating. Its' human nature, we all do it. All of us, except for ASR. He is the opposite, he has a habit of taking the darkest of colours to paint the most monstrous portrait of himself possible. That's just the way he is, instead of clearing his name or trying to explain himself, he will place the cruelest verdict upon himself. He will relate himself to be worse than he actually was and will not even try to expunge himself but rather will convict himself even before one has the chance to do it. People have all sorts of pet peeves Khushi, one of ASR's favourite one is to blame himself, then writhe in guilt for it (even when he is not to blame) and then punish himself. Look don't get me wrong here, in regard to Sheetal he is the culprit and should be punished for what he did, all I am saying is don't be too quick to believe everything he said, because he has a habit of making himself appear worse than he actually is, it has to do with his mother committing suicide.
'See she left him, so a part of him believes he doesn't deserve love, that he is someone everyone should hate, therefore he makes sure people hate him by pushing everyone away, its' not until one pushes back and breaks through that wall he has built around him then do they finally see he is in actuality an amazing human being and needs and deserves a lot more love than he allows himself to receive.' She paused to catch a breath and hydrate herself, Khushi could hear the sound of glass clinking and then her gulping slowly.
'I know what you're thinking,' Khushi could hear a smile in her voice, 'what does she know about him blaming himself, and pushing people away due to his mothers' suicide, she's not a psychiatrist! And yes you're right I am not. But in the case of ASR I am, well not me but I consulted a psychiatrist once regarding him to try and understand him. I think it was actually sometime after that summer you mentioned when he plotted against Sheetal. You said he was nineteen right? ' Khushi replied with a hoarse 'yes'.
'Aah, yes now it makes sense, I always did wonder what happened during that summer that completely changed ASR. See I had known him for a year by then and towards the end of our first year we had became great friends, so close that I was actually the first to learn about his parents and everything that had happened. When I had first met him he was a very reserved and angry person, but through the course of the year he lightened up and actually became quite fun, everyone loved him. But then when he returned after the summer he was back to being reserved and tight-lipped, he began pushing all of his friends away and kept to himself. Always dark and brooding. Something was bothering him but he never talked about it, I pestered him wanting to know what it was but he never said, now I know it must have been his time with Sheetal.
'Anyway, so he pushed us all away, even me and for some time I kept my distance; that is when I went to a psychiatrist to ask for some guidance. I wanted to understand why someone who had loosened up and become such good friends with all of us was now pushing us away. I related to him ASR's past and everything, and he was the one who told me that ASR was pushing us away because he felt he shouldn't be loved, he was punishing himself for something, I asked what but he said only ASR would know and not until he told someone he probably would continue to punish himself. He gave ASR's behaviour some fancy term which I can't remember but the point is that he said it was a common behaviour seen in a lot of orphaned/abandoned children. After that I decided I would not let him do this, I wouldn't let him close himself to love and friendship and so I fought my way through that wall of his and he finally let me in, hence I am probably his only closest friend left.
'After we became friends again he seemed to ease up a little but he was never the ASR that I had first come to know, well not until he met you. I think that's also one of the reasons why I let him go so easily because I saw that he was finally giving love a chance, yeah it wasn't with me but at least he was opening his heart again and that's what mattered most. He was happy with you, you made him laugh the way he used to.' She paused, lost in some memory from their time at university.
'And that is why Khushi I won't let you do this,' came her chirpy voice, as she remembered why she had been talking about her university days, 'don't let him go Khushi, he is a better person with you. He is happier with you. And you're happier with him too, aren't you? I mean that's why you are desperately trying to figure out a way to get over your doubt regarding him isn't it?'
Khushi just nodded on her side, unable to form a response after hearing Lavanya's account.
'Chamkili, I know it's' not my place to speak, as it is between you and ASR, but ASR is my oldest friend and you, you are my sweetest friend so I can't stop myself from giving my opinion. I just want you to take into consideration what I have just related to you. Look I am not saying what ASR did wasn't wrong, because it was. All I am saying is that don't judge him for that one act, for it happened a long time ago, when he was a teenager, not really mature enough to make rational decisions and the decision was taken due to one of the most passionate feelings, hate and revenge. A feeling due to which even the most wisest of men have take irrational steps. I know all this doesn't acquit him of his crime, and it shouldn't, but it also should not be the only thing taken into consideration when deciding about his character. Besides the Arnav he was then and the Arnav he is now are poles apart and I can vouch for that, considering I knew him then and I know him now. Also he has punished himself from that day onwards for what he did to Sheetal, his behaviour is evidence of that. So please Chamkili don't just judge him for what he was or what he did, judge him for who he is now.
'Also please don't use our break-up as another piece of evidence of him being a womaniser, because like I said that was not the case. Also if it is about his treatment of women that is plaguing you then let me assure you, that he is a gentleman to them all. He gives them the highest of respect and care, I again can vouch for that. Also I can give you a whole list of other women who can vouch that, all you have to do is ask any woman whoever worked with him, bar yourself. You were I think the only one he ever treated harshly, but that was because, one, he misunderstood you and then he didn't like the way you made him feel. But even then while he was harassing you he still always took care of you, and you cannot deny that. So my dear don't just hold onto this one act he committed so many years ago, take into account all the other things he has done for you, for Nani, for Di, for Payal, Me, Bua ji, Uncle and Aunty. How can you forget all that? How can you hang him for one wrong thing, when he has done so many right things?' Lavanya asked earnestly.
As Lavanya's simple, yet very deep question hit Khushi everything suddenly became very clear. Lavanya was right, how could she condemn Arnav and his character due to one act that he had committed ages ago, an act he was truly ashamed for and was doing everything he could to make it right. Furthermore how could she forget everything else he had done since then, not just for her but for so many people, his employees, his friends and most importantly her relatives. How could she overlook all his goodness for this one bad thing? Well the answer was easy, Lavanya had given that too. The answer was Arnav himself. Like she had said, he had a habit of picking at an old scab and turning it ugly so that one only saw the scab and not the glowing, untouched skin that surrounded it. He had focused all his energy into portraying himself as the villain that Khushi herself had become fixated with that role of his, forgetting that he wasn't the villain, but rather the dark knight, who kept everyone safe but never took credit for it...oh how could she have been so blinkered to not have even looked at the whole picture. She, like Payal had just hanged him for his words, had not even tried to investigate further to see whether he really was guilty or not. He had pleaded guilty and she had let him; rather than remind him and herself that while he was guilty of the crime he was not guilty of being the monster he so claimed to be. While he had been a dark person, he no longer was that man and that is what counted, who he was today, not who he used to be. And today, he was man who would do anything and everything to right his wrongs. A man ready to take responsibility for his actions. A man who deserved to have his family stand by him in support, not have them turn their backs from him due to prejudice. He did not deserve that, not today...
'Chamkili?!! Are you there?!! Have you heard a single word I have said? Hello Chamkili?!!' Lavanya's voice penetrated through Khushi's internal monologue.
'Hunh? Lavanya ji,' came Khushi's dazed voice, she had forgotten Lavanya was still on the line. 'Yes, I am here...but I shouldn't be...'
'What?' Lavanya asked confused.
'Lavanya ji I have to go. You're right, I was wrong to condemn him on the basis of one act. I have to go...' with that she hung the phone and ran to the door, only to run back and pick up her purse and dupatta. She was at the door again, when she turned on her heel and came to a halt in front of her desk where the goddess still stood smiling upon her devout friend. She uttered a quick thank you and a special prayer for Arnav, before she dashed out again leaving a flabbergasted Madhumathi, Garima and Shashi, who couldn't understand what had gotten into their daughter all of a sudden. The girl who hadn't left her room since she had gotten here was now running out of the house as if it was on fire. They all stared after her, and then turned to look at each other not understanding. Finally, Bua ji sighed and shrugged to give her one word explanation for all of Khushi's unexplained behaviour, 'Sanka-devi!' With that they all went back to their work.
*****
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