The next month was the most bizarre month of Khushi's existence, where every other day she had a repeat scenario of the first day in her crutches, with NK appearing closely followed by Arnav and then the weirdest of conversations would begin between them, which would not include her but would generally be about her or would have started about her and would end most of the times with NK leaving annoyed, but sometimes with Arnav leaving peeved. She didn't get what was their problem was and why did they have to discuss it in front of her?!
This was not the only bizarre thing, Arnav's behavior towards her was out of the ordinary too, which for him was saying a lot, considering his behaviour had never been ordinary towards her as it was. He was hostile yet caring at the same time. He was harsh to her one moment and then concerned the next. One of the incidents that really puzzled her about his manner towards her occurred about a week after her accident. He had walked past her room on his way to the study and stopped as he spotted her working on her sketches. She was in quite an uncomfortable position on the bed due to her cast. He had stared at her for a few minutes, digging his eyes into her causing her to look up and see who was standing at the door, when she had seen him she had given him a questioning look to which he had responded by turning around and stomping away into his study. Annoyed at his behavior she had returned to her sketch, chalking it up as another classic case of Arnav denial.
However, she had not been sketching for another twenty minutes when he reappeared in her doorway and this time he didn't just stay there but marched in, picked up her things, snatched her sketch pad and strode back out of the room. That then got to her and she too grabbed at her crutches and limped after him, maddened by his conduct.
'What are you doing?! I was working on that!' she hollered as she finally huffed into the study after him.
He didn't say anything at first but just moved away from in front of the table and motioned her towards the chair behind it, 'You were looking quite uncomfortable on the bed, so I cleared away my things, you can now have a table to work whilst you work from home.' With that he left, only to come back and pick up his coffee mug that was on the table, signifying that the room was her's for the time being. She was left standing in the middle of the room staring at him trying to figure out what to make of this gesture. He hadn't apologized or talked to her properly, yet now suddenly he had given her his study, what was she to make of it all.
When Anjali came to learn about his act, she smiled and told her, 'that's Chotay for you. He is a man of few words and some times those tend to be quite harsh, but his gestures, his gestures are what truly define him. He cares for you, he does, he just doesn't know how to express it and so he does it in the ways he can, like this for example,' she waved her hands around the study, where she had come in to look for her brother upon not finding Khushi in her room, but instead had found Khushi here. 'He wouldn't have emptied this place of his important things if he wasn't concerned about you. This place, it's his sanctuary, he practically lives here when he is at home, here or in his garden, those are his haunts yet he gave one up for you. That's his apology I'm afraid, don't expect a word one, Chotay doesn't know how to do that, instead of apologizing he will give you another reason to get angry at him.' She gave a proud but sad smile. Proud at her brother for doing something for Khushi, but sad at the same time at his inability to express himself in words which then gave the world the wrong sort of impression regarding him, she knew he couldn't care less what the world thought and sometimes she even thought he preferred to keep them in fear as it got his work done, but it mattered to her, that people thought her brother heartless, if only they knew just how big a heart he had they would be astounded.
Anjali's 'white flag' explanation regarding Arnav's study manouvre made Khushi thaw towards him, however, the liquification of her anger didn't last long. For a couple of nights after he had given her the study he came in guns blazing. NK had just left and he came in shouting at her about how he knew all about her and her plan but that with him there it would never come to fruition.
'Excuse me? What plan?' She had asked in confusion, not understanding his anger or his words.
'Just because I have kept quiet about you doesn't mean I will standby and let you carry on with your illicit activities. No way Khushi Kumari Gupta, that stuff will not happen under my roof. Remember that you are under my roof and therefore have to abide by my rules. Whatever you do with your personal life is your issue and I don't wish to know or be involved, but as long as you are in this house it will be my issue so keep your urges to yourself until then! Understand.' With that he had stormed out, leaving an aghast and infuriated Khushi. What did he mean by her illicit activity, had he seen the juice stain she had made on his excellently finished mahogany table? Crap she thought she had covered it well. But still, even if that was the case he needn't be so angry. What was his problem? All she knew was that his mood swings were beginning to get quite irritating, she didn't know which Arnav' to expect every time he walked in, Anjali's brother who was so sweet and cordial or this monster, laad governor who was aware of her every move, making her scared to even sneeze in his sacred study.
She didn't get his hot-cold behavior and trying to figure it out just gave her a migraine. In the end she just decided that the man was highly conflicted and didn't understand himself thus behaved in this manner. May be his grief had driven him insane like it had her. She couldn't blame him, she understood how when the heart broke one started behaving irratically, wasn't she a prime example of it, believing herself to be pregnant when she wasn't. Although now she understood through the countless talks with the doctor, Payal and Anjali that she wasn't actually insane, she had just been in trauma and therefore had imagined the worst outcome of her actions and believed it hence her body had suggested it too. For the night with Shyam had haunted her, made her hate herself and think about how everyone would react if they found out. How they would despise her, just the way she did. And in that moment she had figured that the only way anyone would discover would be if she were pregnant and then the scare had started had she gotten pregnant, what if the protection Shyam had used had not worked. What if all the odds had been stacked against her, she had seen evidence of quite a few of them being against her already had she not, so it made sense that even the condomn must have ripped and therefore had impregnated her. All these fears in the early few days had terrified her, which in turn affected her periods and once they stopped coming she had been convinced, thus the body had given her signs to make her believe what was not true. She had repeated this again and again with Anjali and Payal to make her finally comprehend why it had happened, to make her understand that this did not mean she was crazy, the doctor had told them and her to continue to recount her fears and horrors for only through them would she finally understand that nothing was wrong with her she had suffered like any other PTSD victim, yes her's wasn't a physical trauma, where she had been involved in some sort of catastrophic accident, which was what most people associated with when they heard the term, but her nerves had still been affected by the events that took place over the twenty-four hours in Sheesh-Mahal, she had suffered from emotional trauma. Thus she had finally come to understand that she wasn't abnormal, many had suffered a fate like hers, they, she wasn't crazy, just had a tragedy in their past other's around them didn't. They weren't weak; they had just seen a lot worse, lived through a lot worse.
Thus now she was no longer confused or worried about her mentality, just sad. Sad, that it had not been real. She was happy that at least this meant that her baby, whom she had feared would be an outcast, now wouldn't. However, as that relief filled her heart a new sadness crept in, sadness that told her that she would not be a mother, not in nine months, not ever: for like Shyam had said who would marry her, she was a tainted woman now. The man who had disgraced her, himself was not interested in her anymore so why would any other man be? The world may not know of her actions, bar Anjali, Aakash, Payal and Shyam, but if any man ever showed interest in her she would then have to enlighten him about her discretion, for she would prefer to stay unmarried than marry under false pretenses, thus after they would be made aware of that night would they wish to continue to know, let alone tie the knot with her?
'Don't think like that Khushi.' Anjali had said one time when Khushi voiced this aloud, 'not all men are the same, some are good and I'm sure there will be one who will accept you for one cannot judge you for just one of your actions they should judge you according to all your actions especially all your actions after you committed the mistake, if they saw how you repented, how it breaks your heart at what happened they would know that you are a good person and that they would be lucky to have you as a life partner.' Anjali soothed her.
Khushi smiled, 'you sound like Jiji, she too believes that an idealistic man exists out there for me somewhere. But that only happens in fairytales Di, no prince is going to come for me and sweep me away to a far away land where none of this matters, for that land does not exist. I mean why go so far as expecting a stranger to accept me when my own brother-in-law who knows me so well is not willing too. Oh he hasn't said anything to me, and he won't, he is too proper that way, but when a man like my Jeej, who is quite broad minded cannot get past my discretion then how can I expect a complete stranger to, who doesn't even know me?' she stated sadly. 'Not everyone is like you Di, who without any knowledge of me gave me a chance to explain myself and accepted me for my faults.'
'True, not everyone is the same and it takes some people longer then others to understand another's pain...I understand because I have felt a similar pain as you, but another may not yes, you are right...' Anjali was quiet for a while, then all of sudden, 'well then Khushi, maybe we shouldn't ask for the prince, for the hero to come for you but rather the monster, the one everyone believes to be evil.'' She said with a hint of playfulness in her voice and eyes.
'Hunh?' Khushi looked up, not comprehending.
Anjali smiled, 'you see, in stories we are told who the monster is, but we are never told why? May be it's time we find out why, may be he is the monster because the world was mean to him and so that's why he wishes to be mean to the world. May be he is the monster because the prince or the damsel in distress misunderstood him and therefore threatened him, thus he hurt or threatened them in return. The monster is always the outcast in the story, always alone, because he has seen worse. Because he is wounded, wounded like you Khushi. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you're the monster, what I am saying is that the monster himself may not be a "monster" as we perceive him to be but rather a hurt and lonely man. And so how about we ask for that man to come for you a man who understands that pain and loneliness only too well, a stranger who doesn't know you at all, but completely understands you for he shares the same pain, a man who will accept you for who you are, for he will be acquainted with your pain.'
'Diii...' Khushi couldn't help but smile, 'you're incredible, you know that?'
'Yes, so I have been told.' She said proudly, 'And as for your Jeeja ji, well give him time, he is a reasonable man he will come around and try to put yourself in his place, he is more likely to be upset with you for not sharing your pain, your dilemma than being upset about the fact that you slept with someone. The ones who love us can forgive us our crimes but find it hard to get past us not sharing our problems with them.' Anjali reasoned. At which Khushi nodded. Anjali had a point, she couldn't expect Aakash to forgive her in just a few weeks, just because Payal had forgiven her moments after her betrayal didn't mean everyone would, but that also didn't mean they never would either. She needed to give him time, after the shock she had given him she could at least give him this and then work her way to earn his forgiveness.
This was not the only bizarre thing, Arnav's behavior towards her was out of the ordinary too, which for him was saying a lot, considering his behaviour had never been ordinary towards her as it was. He was hostile yet caring at the same time. He was harsh to her one moment and then concerned the next. One of the incidents that really puzzled her about his manner towards her occurred about a week after her accident. He had walked past her room on his way to the study and stopped as he spotted her working on her sketches. She was in quite an uncomfortable position on the bed due to her cast. He had stared at her for a few minutes, digging his eyes into her causing her to look up and see who was standing at the door, when she had seen him she had given him a questioning look to which he had responded by turning around and stomping away into his study. Annoyed at his behavior she had returned to her sketch, chalking it up as another classic case of Arnav denial.
However, she had not been sketching for another twenty minutes when he reappeared in her doorway and this time he didn't just stay there but marched in, picked up her things, snatched her sketch pad and strode back out of the room. That then got to her and she too grabbed at her crutches and limped after him, maddened by his conduct.
'What are you doing?! I was working on that!' she hollered as she finally huffed into the study after him.
He didn't say anything at first but just moved away from in front of the table and motioned her towards the chair behind it, 'You were looking quite uncomfortable on the bed, so I cleared away my things, you can now have a table to work whilst you work from home.' With that he left, only to come back and pick up his coffee mug that was on the table, signifying that the room was her's for the time being. She was left standing in the middle of the room staring at him trying to figure out what to make of this gesture. He hadn't apologized or talked to her properly, yet now suddenly he had given her his study, what was she to make of it all.
When Anjali came to learn about his act, she smiled and told her, 'that's Chotay for you. He is a man of few words and some times those tend to be quite harsh, but his gestures, his gestures are what truly define him. He cares for you, he does, he just doesn't know how to express it and so he does it in the ways he can, like this for example,' she waved her hands around the study, where she had come in to look for her brother upon not finding Khushi in her room, but instead had found Khushi here. 'He wouldn't have emptied this place of his important things if he wasn't concerned about you. This place, it's his sanctuary, he practically lives here when he is at home, here or in his garden, those are his haunts yet he gave one up for you. That's his apology I'm afraid, don't expect a word one, Chotay doesn't know how to do that, instead of apologizing he will give you another reason to get angry at him.' She gave a proud but sad smile. Proud at her brother for doing something for Khushi, but sad at the same time at his inability to express himself in words which then gave the world the wrong sort of impression regarding him, she knew he couldn't care less what the world thought and sometimes she even thought he preferred to keep them in fear as it got his work done, but it mattered to her, that people thought her brother heartless, if only they knew just how big a heart he had they would be astounded.
Anjali's 'white flag' explanation regarding Arnav's study manouvre made Khushi thaw towards him, however, the liquification of her anger didn't last long. For a couple of nights after he had given her the study he came in guns blazing. NK had just left and he came in shouting at her about how he knew all about her and her plan but that with him there it would never come to fruition.
'Excuse me? What plan?' She had asked in confusion, not understanding his anger or his words.
'Just because I have kept quiet about you doesn't mean I will standby and let you carry on with your illicit activities. No way Khushi Kumari Gupta, that stuff will not happen under my roof. Remember that you are under my roof and therefore have to abide by my rules. Whatever you do with your personal life is your issue and I don't wish to know or be involved, but as long as you are in this house it will be my issue so keep your urges to yourself until then! Understand.' With that he had stormed out, leaving an aghast and infuriated Khushi. What did he mean by her illicit activity, had he seen the juice stain she had made on his excellently finished mahogany table? Crap she thought she had covered it well. But still, even if that was the case he needn't be so angry. What was his problem? All she knew was that his mood swings were beginning to get quite irritating, she didn't know which Arnav' to expect every time he walked in, Anjali's brother who was so sweet and cordial or this monster, laad governor who was aware of her every move, making her scared to even sneeze in his sacred study.
She didn't get his hot-cold behavior and trying to figure it out just gave her a migraine. In the end she just decided that the man was highly conflicted and didn't understand himself thus behaved in this manner. May be his grief had driven him insane like it had her. She couldn't blame him, she understood how when the heart broke one started behaving irratically, wasn't she a prime example of it, believing herself to be pregnant when she wasn't. Although now she understood through the countless talks with the doctor, Payal and Anjali that she wasn't actually insane, she had just been in trauma and therefore had imagined the worst outcome of her actions and believed it hence her body had suggested it too. For the night with Shyam had haunted her, made her hate herself and think about how everyone would react if they found out. How they would despise her, just the way she did. And in that moment she had figured that the only way anyone would discover would be if she were pregnant and then the scare had started had she gotten pregnant, what if the protection Shyam had used had not worked. What if all the odds had been stacked against her, she had seen evidence of quite a few of them being against her already had she not, so it made sense that even the condomn must have ripped and therefore had impregnated her. All these fears in the early few days had terrified her, which in turn affected her periods and once they stopped coming she had been convinced, thus the body had given her signs to make her believe what was not true. She had repeated this again and again with Anjali and Payal to make her finally comprehend why it had happened, to make her understand that this did not mean she was crazy, the doctor had told them and her to continue to recount her fears and horrors for only through them would she finally understand that nothing was wrong with her she had suffered like any other PTSD victim, yes her's wasn't a physical trauma, where she had been involved in some sort of catastrophic accident, which was what most people associated with when they heard the term, but her nerves had still been affected by the events that took place over the twenty-four hours in Sheesh-Mahal, she had suffered from emotional trauma. Thus she had finally come to understand that she wasn't abnormal, many had suffered a fate like hers, they, she wasn't crazy, just had a tragedy in their past other's around them didn't. They weren't weak; they had just seen a lot worse, lived through a lot worse.
Thus now she was no longer confused or worried about her mentality, just sad. Sad, that it had not been real. She was happy that at least this meant that her baby, whom she had feared would be an outcast, now wouldn't. However, as that relief filled her heart a new sadness crept in, sadness that told her that she would not be a mother, not in nine months, not ever: for like Shyam had said who would marry her, she was a tainted woman now. The man who had disgraced her, himself was not interested in her anymore so why would any other man be? The world may not know of her actions, bar Anjali, Aakash, Payal and Shyam, but if any man ever showed interest in her she would then have to enlighten him about her discretion, for she would prefer to stay unmarried than marry under false pretenses, thus after they would be made aware of that night would they wish to continue to know, let alone tie the knot with her?
'Don't think like that Khushi.' Anjali had said one time when Khushi voiced this aloud, 'not all men are the same, some are good and I'm sure there will be one who will accept you for one cannot judge you for just one of your actions they should judge you according to all your actions especially all your actions after you committed the mistake, if they saw how you repented, how it breaks your heart at what happened they would know that you are a good person and that they would be lucky to have you as a life partner.' Anjali soothed her.
Khushi smiled, 'you sound like Jiji, she too believes that an idealistic man exists out there for me somewhere. But that only happens in fairytales Di, no prince is going to come for me and sweep me away to a far away land where none of this matters, for that land does not exist. I mean why go so far as expecting a stranger to accept me when my own brother-in-law who knows me so well is not willing too. Oh he hasn't said anything to me, and he won't, he is too proper that way, but when a man like my Jeej, who is quite broad minded cannot get past my discretion then how can I expect a complete stranger to, who doesn't even know me?' she stated sadly. 'Not everyone is like you Di, who without any knowledge of me gave me a chance to explain myself and accepted me for my faults.'
'True, not everyone is the same and it takes some people longer then others to understand another's pain...I understand because I have felt a similar pain as you, but another may not yes, you are right...' Anjali was quiet for a while, then all of sudden, 'well then Khushi, maybe we shouldn't ask for the prince, for the hero to come for you but rather the monster, the one everyone believes to be evil.'' She said with a hint of playfulness in her voice and eyes.
'Hunh?' Khushi looked up, not comprehending.
Anjali smiled, 'you see, in stories we are told who the monster is, but we are never told why? May be it's time we find out why, may be he is the monster because the world was mean to him and so that's why he wishes to be mean to the world. May be he is the monster because the prince or the damsel in distress misunderstood him and therefore threatened him, thus he hurt or threatened them in return. The monster is always the outcast in the story, always alone, because he has seen worse. Because he is wounded, wounded like you Khushi. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you're the monster, what I am saying is that the monster himself may not be a "monster" as we perceive him to be but rather a hurt and lonely man. And so how about we ask for that man to come for you a man who understands that pain and loneliness only too well, a stranger who doesn't know you at all, but completely understands you for he shares the same pain, a man who will accept you for who you are, for he will be acquainted with your pain.'
'Diii...' Khushi couldn't help but smile, 'you're incredible, you know that?'
'Yes, so I have been told.' She said proudly, 'And as for your Jeeja ji, well give him time, he is a reasonable man he will come around and try to put yourself in his place, he is more likely to be upset with you for not sharing your pain, your dilemma than being upset about the fact that you slept with someone. The ones who love us can forgive us our crimes but find it hard to get past us not sharing our problems with them.' Anjali reasoned. At which Khushi nodded. Anjali had a point, she couldn't expect Aakash to forgive her in just a few weeks, just because Payal had forgiven her moments after her betrayal didn't mean everyone would, but that also didn't mean they never would either. She needed to give him time, after the shock she had given him she could at least give him this and then work her way to earn his forgiveness.
*****