Half an hour later, Arnav helped Khushi down from a cycle-rickshaw, gave the driver his fare and found himself standing outside a children’s playground, in a residential area.
‘Any particular reason why we are here?’ Arnav asked her as she fished out what was left of her spicy-chickpeas, from the pocket of Aakash’s very expensive suit. Arnav smiled at her, she was such a child at times, living carefree, enjoying her chickpeas, for which she had forced the rickshaw to stop so that she could buy some and then had fought with the vendor to lower the price and smiled triumphantly when she had won.
‘Yes I wanted to swing.’ She replied simply grabbing his hand and dragging him inside the park towards the swing-set.
‘And for that you needed to come to this particular park? We crossed so many parks on the way why not stop there?’ Arnav quizzed, as she took her seat on a swing and motioned for him to take the one next to hers’. He shook his head, not at all interested in swinging.
‘Laad Governor kahinke!’ She muttered in an undertone.
‘Excuse me?’ Arnav asked amused, leaning against the bar of the swing-set.
‘Nothing. I was just saying that…you sitting here next to me on the swing won’t reduce your tycoon status Mr. Raizada. You don’t have to swing, I know that would be expecting too much from you, but you could at least join me by sitting on the swing.’ She induced.
‘Fine.’ He gave in to her persuasion and took the seat next to hers’.
‘Hunh!’ She cried out, eyes wide and hands on her mouth.
‘What? What?’ He asked alarmed.
‘Arnav Singh Raizada is sitting on a swing! We must hide this from the media.’ She mocked him.
‘Ha ha.’ He gave a hollow laugh. ‘So, you never answered my question.’ He went on.
‘Which was…’ She didn’t remember what he had asked.
‘Why this park, all the way here. It’s not that close to your house and it’s in the complete opposite direction to Sheesh-Mahal, which also had a park for children, as many families come to stay there. So why not just swing there, why here?’ He asked again.
‘Because…’ she started, then stopped and turned to face him. ‘Because this is the park my Bau ji used to bring me to, every evening. You see those flats,’ she pointed to a block towards the south entrance of the park, ‘The terrace on the third floor that was our house. My Amma would sit in the terrace, working on some frock or other of mine whilst keeping an eye on us, and my Bau ji and I played in this park every evening, along with the other children from the block. He would chase me, help me up the slide and push me on this swing. Just to hear my laughter.’ She ended with a nostalgic smile playing across her face.
‘Oh.’ Was all Arnav managed, unsure of what else to say.
‘So, tonight, the night before my wedding I wanted to come here and I wanted you to come here too, to share this beautiful memory of my parents with you, as I shared you with them.’ She turned to face him again, there was a tear in her eye which dropped and he caught in his hand.
‘Khushi…’
‘I’m ok Arnav ji.’ She said batting away any other stray tears. ‘In fact no, not ok, because I am more than ok. I’m over the moon!’ She shouted all of a sudden getting up and twirling around, ‘because I have someone as special as you in my life.’ She came near him and crouched down next to him. ‘Thank you for choosing me to be a part of my life. For making my life so inexplicably amazing. Thank you Arnav ji.’ She took hold of his hands and squeezed them, telling him she truly meant it.
‘Khushi…’ His voice was thick with emotion.
‘Ssh. I know.’ She placed her index finger on his lips silencing him. ‘Come...I want to introduce you to my parents.’ She pulled him up and walked with him towards the centre of the park. ‘Amma Buaji…’ She called out to the heavens above, ‘this is Arnav ji, my Arnav ji. He for some reason unknown has decided to marry your daughter and make her the happiest person in this whole world.’ She turned to face him and saw him staring at her in awe, as a tear trickled down his cheek, she wiped it away and he grabbed hold of the hand that was on his cheek, guided it to his mouth and left an impression of his lips on the base of her palm. She gave him his dazzling smile. ‘Arnav ji,’ she said soflty, ‘meet my parents,’ she pointed to the two brightest stars. ‘That’s Amma and that is Bau ji. See they are smiling at you.’
Arnav smiled too, ‘Amma….Bau ji,’ he called out to them too. ‘You have an incredible daughter and I love her so much. I promise to love her and make her happy for the rest of my life.’ With that he turned back to her and took her in a hug.
After a few minutes once they both had a grip over their overrunning emotions they moved out of each others’ arms. ‘So… you wanted to share your childhood with me, to thank me.’ Khushi smiled and nodded. ‘Well now I want to thank you for making me part of such a precious memory of yours.’ And he hugged her once more.
After a while Arnav broke the silence, once more. ‘So you used to live here then?’ She nodded. ‘What was your house like? Do you want to go there too, I would love to see your old room.’ Arnav stated as he started for the south-entrance, that was nearest her apartment block.
‘No.’ She said a little too abruptly, causing him to turn and look at her quizzically. Moments ago she had been the one who wanted to share her childhood with him and now she was refraining, he didn’t understand. ‘I mean, there is another family living there now and it would be wrong to disturb them at this hour. Besides, I would never want to go back to that house, not anymore.’ She added in a bitter tone, which didn’t escape him.
‘Why? That house, like this park is associated with your parents, so why don’t you want to go there?’ He interrogated, wanting to know the reason behind the sudden anger cast on her face.
‘Because that house is no longer associated with just my parents’ memory, it has another memory, one very painful memory which I would rather forget then relive by going into the house.’ She spat out bitterly, annoyed about how that one awful memory had ruined eight years of lovely memories.
‘What memory? What memory can be so awful that it negates all the good ones in that house Khushi?’ he approached her now and made her look at him.
‘His memory.’ She uttered repulsively. He didn’t follow. ‘He proposed to me on that very terrace, ruining everything.’ She explained. ‘He ruined everything, those sweet memories, that house and….me.’ She turned away from him, while he just stared, not knowing what to do but finding it hard to cap his anger. He hated him more, if that was even possible. Hated him for ruining Khushi’s childhood home for her. For ruining Khushi. Ugh he wanted to beat him to pulp, he should have done it that day instead of just executing his plan to ruin him completely: financially and publically so that he would rot in jail for the next fifteen years and when he finally came out wouldn’t be able to do anything with his life.
‘Why are you marrying me Arnav ji?’ Her sudden question snapped him out of his murderous thought and he stared incredulously at her. How had they come back to this question? He had thought, hoped that they were passed this after that day in the office when she accepted his proposal.
‘What do you mean, why? You know why, because I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ He gushed out, gripping her arms and reminding her, while she stared at him confused. ‘Khushi…’
‘No….’ She clapped away his hands on her shoulders. ‘I know that…I mean…how can you want to marry me? I’m a ruined woman Arnav ji, a woman who walked into her own ruin, it’s not even like he forced me, I let him and you still want to be with someone like me? Someone who has already been taken by another man?’ She asked, not understanding why he was willing to be with her, when there were so many more women worthy of his love and affection out there, who hadn’t been tainted like her.
‘Khushi! You’re not a ruined woman!’ He advanced, angry at her for even thinking that, but she stepped away from him.
‘I am. And it’s time you understood that. We have never talked about this….I mean I’m sure you never thought the woman you would marry would have bedded another man. I’m sure like every other human being, man or woman, you would have dreamt of marrying a pure person, someone who would only lay with you no one else. But I have and that is a truth neither of us can run from. So how can you be ok with it? I don’t understand Arnav ji. Does it not enrage you, that someone has touched me, been with me, seen me?’ She fired those questions at him.
‘Khushi…stop. Please just stop.’ He begged her, not wanting to get into it. He didn’t know if he would be able to control himself if he did.
‘No Arnav ji. I can see it. The anger in your eyes, you’re trying so hard to cap it up. Just the way you used to before, whenever you were around me. Ever since you found out at the hospital that I wasn’t a virgin you kept your distance from me and there was always this anger in your eyes with regards to me. Don’t hold it back, let it out. I can understand your anger, it’s not fair on you to have me as a wife. To-‘
‘ENOUGH!! JUST STOP KHUSHI!!’ He shouted over her, silencing her.
‘Arnav ji-‘
‘No you listen. You have it all wrong. I am not angry at you. I am not.’ He repeated, forcing her to look his way when she looked away not believing him. ‘That is the truth. I am angry at him. Khushi Kumari Gupta I want you to hear loud and clear when I say this. It is not you or your fault for what happened to you. Should you have heeded caution, should you have stopped, yes. God I wish you had, but not for me, for you. Because I can see how it eats at you that thought of having been with him. That is why my blood boils, that you blame yourself. When you are not to blame. Khushi you trusted him how can that be wrong. He never gave you any reason to not trust him so how are you wrong? It is he, he who was wrong and who wronged you. Not you. I know in our society we always blame the woman, if she choses to sleep with a man, when there is no force, but that is not right. Each case is different and in yours, you are not to blame, so I don’t blame you or am angry at you. You are every bit pure, every bit beautiful, every bit innocent as you ever were and you how I know that? By what you did just now, the very fact that it eats at you, the very fact that you feel unworthy of someone shows me just how much purity exists inside of you. For you never think of yourself only about the person in front you, no bad person would behave like that Khushi. You trust me don’t you, so trust my character assessment of yourself too. Please trust it.’
‘But…’ she shook her head, still not being able to believe he was ok with it. ‘But you used to be so angry with me, I don’t see how all that can change just because you love me.’
‘Khushi…I was never angry with you for not being a virgin. Look I won’t lie to you, my very first reaction to finding out about your pregnancy and therefore that you had a man in your life, did shock me and hurt me, because I was jealous. My very first reaction to finding out that you were not a virgin was jealousy, it pained me that you had a man in your life, a man who knew you so intimately. Knew you the way only I wanted to know you. But I was never angry with you for being with someone, just angry that I had not met you before. Afterwards, when I misunderstood you and your past with that man, I got angry at you, but again it wasn’t because you weren’t a virgin. It was due to my own messed-up past.’ He slumped onto a bench in the park.
‘Khushi I don’t know how much you know about my parents, I don’t know whether Di or Nani told you. But my parents, they commited suicide, right before my eyes on our terrace. So my childhood house here in Lucknow is pretty much ruined due to that memory just the way yours’ is.’ He smirked at the irony of it. ‘You see my Dad, he had an affair with another woman when my mother found out she couldn’t handle it and took my Dadaji’s hunting gun and shot herself on the terrace. My father, in that moment realized his mistake and could not live with what his actions had led to and shot himself with the same gun, neither even thinking about me or Di, or realizing the fact that I was right there. Di and I had been playing hide-and-seek and I chose to hide behind a big plant pot on the terrace from where I saw it all.’
‘Oh god, Arnav ji….I’m so sorry. It must have been terrible.’ Khushi sat down on the bench next to him and took his hands into her own, forgetting her pain.
‘It was….’ He reflected. ‘Anyway,’ he sniffed and wiped away his tears that always crowded his eyes whenever that image came back to him, ‘I was telling you why I hated you initially. It was because of what my Bau ji di to my Amma and our family. Do you remember how in my misunderstanding I thought you were someone’s mistress? Yeah well that is why I treated you so harshly because I never found out who my Dad’s mistress was only festered the wound left by her and when I thought you to have been someone’s mistress too, I made you face all my hearts’ grief, when you didn’t deserve it. Even if you had been someone’s mistress, you didn’t deserve my anger for you weren’t responsible for my family’s ruin that sole credit went to my Bau ji and his mistress but I took it out on you. Because one I thought you were like her and two, because I was angry at myself for still falling for you and therefore felt like I was betraying my Amma by falling in love with a mistress. That is why I mistreated you, never because you weren’t a virgin Khushi. Never. I mean it.’ He turned and cupped her face, while she studied the floor shaking, not comprehending how her lack of virginity didn’t matter to this man. She’d grown up understanding that innocence, purity, dignity were synonymous to virginity, and yet Arnav was stating that virginity had nothing to do with it, rather character and according to him her character was pure. Could that be true? She hoped it was.
‘Look, would I have preferred you as virgin….may be…I don’t know.’ He shrugged. ‘All I know is that I wouldn’t change anything about you or your life, even if I wanted to, in order to spare you the heartache…why? Because every heartache, everything that has happened in your life has brought you to me, has made you who you are today, someone I love incredibly. Like I said, I wish that Shyam had never been part of your life to spare you the heartache….but at the same time a part of me is glad he was and turned out to be the scoundrel that he was because if he hadn’t then you would have never crashed my fashion show and entered my life and I wouldn’t change that moment for anything. Everything that has happened has led to this moment here, where we are on the eve of becoming one forever, so how can I be angry at whatever brought you to me. Understand?’ He asked.
‘I…’ She was still uncertain, she understood what he said and yet didn’t.
‘Look…look at it this way. Are you angry that I was engaged? That I had Lavanya in my life before you?’
‘Wha-? No. of course not. She is your past.’ Khushi immediately clarified; she would never be hurt or angry at his past.
‘Exactly. She is my past, like Shyam is yours’. Khushi not less than a year ago we both were promised to someone else and neither of us knew the existence of the other. We were happy in our lives and envisioning a future with our respective fiancés’, however, call it the unfortunate, or fortunate, games of destiny that changed all that and made Lavanya and Shyam depart from our lives, leaving both of us devastated. He broke your heart and I hers’ without even realizing it, causing me to writhe in guilt until…until I met you. When you came into my life, I first rebelled with the emotions you stirred inside of me but when I finally gave into them, the same life I had led all these years suddenly became a blessing because I had you in it, just the way I hope my presence has alleviated that pain and brought you happiness.’ She nodded, unable to say it herself.
‘So you see Khushi, just the way you can’t begrudge me my past, the same way I can’t and will not begrudge you your past. And now I want you to stop begrudging it yourself. If everyone around you, your whole family, my family and I can accept it and love you all the more then you have got to realize that you are not a bad person. That you are not this impure being you believe yourself to be, you made a mistake, for which you repented and now life is giving you a second chance, as it is giving me, embrace it and don’t look back anymore. Please. For your own sake.’ He pleaded.
‘Heh.’ She sniffed out a laugh. ‘Nani and Di were wrong,’ he raised his brow, confused, ‘you are good with words, only, you choose not use them on most occasions.’ She wiped away her tears and gave him a watery smile. Finally, at peace with the fact that Arnav didn’t judge her by her non-virgin status and finally beginning to understand that it did not define her, rather she defined herself.
‘Well…you know me…I make it a point to not let everyone see everything I am capable of. Because if people see it than the element of surprise is gone.’ He winked.
‘Really? Then why show it to me?’ She asked playfully.
‘Because you....Khushi Kumari Gupta…you with your mysterious ways bring out all that in me which even I didn’t know existed within me.’ He pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her forehead. ‘I love you Khushi Kumari Gupta.’ He whispered into her hair.
‘I love you too.’ She mumbled against his heart, as she hugged him more tightly.
‘Hmm? Did you say something?’ He pulled back, to look at her.
‘Umm…yes…I …uh…I said that I-‘
Trring-trring. Oh god the phone just had to ring right now didn’t it?!
‘Sorry.’ She apologized, as she searched for the phone in her coat pocket and pulled it out. ‘Yes Jiji?’ She answered the phone.
‘It’s actually Jeeja ji, Saali-ji.’ Aakash’s voice came from the other end.
‘Jeeja ji?!’ She gasped out, oh god, if he was calling, that meant he had found out she wasn’t in her room and if he had then who else had?
‘Hey…ssh. Calm down. Your secret is safe, for the time being. Payal told me to call you. She is distracting Amma and Bauji. But they want to spend the night with you, as its’ the last night before you leave us all for your new beginning. So get here fast.’
‘Oh…ok. Ummm…it’ll take me about twenty minutes Jeeju. Hold off Amma and Bau ji, until then please. Otherwise Jiji and I will be dead-meat.’ Khushi proclaimed.
‘Ok…just come quick.’ He said ending the call.
‘Arnav ji, I-‘
‘Need to get going. Yes I deciphered. Let’s get a rickshaw shall we? Although we should have come in my car, like I had said that way we wouldn’t have to flag down a rickshaw and would have gotten you home faster.’ Arnav referred to the argument they had earlier outside Sheesh-Mahal.
‘Oho. Really you want to have that argument again. Like I said, you were going out on a date with me and therefore would be doing things my way. Besides while your car may get me home faster, one it’s loud engine and bright colour would announce not only to the house but the whole neighbourhood that I was out and that too with you, and two, considering it isn’t here, that is a moot point anyway. Now stop staring at me and help me get a rickshaw!’ She nudged him to face the road and flag one down with her, while he just enjoyed her bossy attitude.
‘Any particular reason why we are here?’ Arnav asked her as she fished out what was left of her spicy-chickpeas, from the pocket of Aakash’s very expensive suit. Arnav smiled at her, she was such a child at times, living carefree, enjoying her chickpeas, for which she had forced the rickshaw to stop so that she could buy some and then had fought with the vendor to lower the price and smiled triumphantly when she had won.
‘Yes I wanted to swing.’ She replied simply grabbing his hand and dragging him inside the park towards the swing-set.
‘And for that you needed to come to this particular park? We crossed so many parks on the way why not stop there?’ Arnav quizzed, as she took her seat on a swing and motioned for him to take the one next to hers’. He shook his head, not at all interested in swinging.
‘Laad Governor kahinke!’ She muttered in an undertone.
‘Excuse me?’ Arnav asked amused, leaning against the bar of the swing-set.
‘Nothing. I was just saying that…you sitting here next to me on the swing won’t reduce your tycoon status Mr. Raizada. You don’t have to swing, I know that would be expecting too much from you, but you could at least join me by sitting on the swing.’ She induced.
‘Fine.’ He gave in to her persuasion and took the seat next to hers’.
‘Hunh!’ She cried out, eyes wide and hands on her mouth.
‘What? What?’ He asked alarmed.
‘Arnav Singh Raizada is sitting on a swing! We must hide this from the media.’ She mocked him.
‘Ha ha.’ He gave a hollow laugh. ‘So, you never answered my question.’ He went on.
‘Which was…’ She didn’t remember what he had asked.
‘Why this park, all the way here. It’s not that close to your house and it’s in the complete opposite direction to Sheesh-Mahal, which also had a park for children, as many families come to stay there. So why not just swing there, why here?’ He asked again.
‘Because…’ she started, then stopped and turned to face him. ‘Because this is the park my Bau ji used to bring me to, every evening. You see those flats,’ she pointed to a block towards the south entrance of the park, ‘The terrace on the third floor that was our house. My Amma would sit in the terrace, working on some frock or other of mine whilst keeping an eye on us, and my Bau ji and I played in this park every evening, along with the other children from the block. He would chase me, help me up the slide and push me on this swing. Just to hear my laughter.’ She ended with a nostalgic smile playing across her face.
‘Oh.’ Was all Arnav managed, unsure of what else to say.
‘So, tonight, the night before my wedding I wanted to come here and I wanted you to come here too, to share this beautiful memory of my parents with you, as I shared you with them.’ She turned to face him again, there was a tear in her eye which dropped and he caught in his hand.
‘Khushi…’
‘I’m ok Arnav ji.’ She said batting away any other stray tears. ‘In fact no, not ok, because I am more than ok. I’m over the moon!’ She shouted all of a sudden getting up and twirling around, ‘because I have someone as special as you in my life.’ She came near him and crouched down next to him. ‘Thank you for choosing me to be a part of my life. For making my life so inexplicably amazing. Thank you Arnav ji.’ She took hold of his hands and squeezed them, telling him she truly meant it.
‘Khushi…’ His voice was thick with emotion.
‘Ssh. I know.’ She placed her index finger on his lips silencing him. ‘Come...I want to introduce you to my parents.’ She pulled him up and walked with him towards the centre of the park. ‘Amma Buaji…’ She called out to the heavens above, ‘this is Arnav ji, my Arnav ji. He for some reason unknown has decided to marry your daughter and make her the happiest person in this whole world.’ She turned to face him and saw him staring at her in awe, as a tear trickled down his cheek, she wiped it away and he grabbed hold of the hand that was on his cheek, guided it to his mouth and left an impression of his lips on the base of her palm. She gave him his dazzling smile. ‘Arnav ji,’ she said soflty, ‘meet my parents,’ she pointed to the two brightest stars. ‘That’s Amma and that is Bau ji. See they are smiling at you.’
Arnav smiled too, ‘Amma….Bau ji,’ he called out to them too. ‘You have an incredible daughter and I love her so much. I promise to love her and make her happy for the rest of my life.’ With that he turned back to her and took her in a hug.
After a few minutes once they both had a grip over their overrunning emotions they moved out of each others’ arms. ‘So… you wanted to share your childhood with me, to thank me.’ Khushi smiled and nodded. ‘Well now I want to thank you for making me part of such a precious memory of yours.’ And he hugged her once more.
After a while Arnav broke the silence, once more. ‘So you used to live here then?’ She nodded. ‘What was your house like? Do you want to go there too, I would love to see your old room.’ Arnav stated as he started for the south-entrance, that was nearest her apartment block.
‘No.’ She said a little too abruptly, causing him to turn and look at her quizzically. Moments ago she had been the one who wanted to share her childhood with him and now she was refraining, he didn’t understand. ‘I mean, there is another family living there now and it would be wrong to disturb them at this hour. Besides, I would never want to go back to that house, not anymore.’ She added in a bitter tone, which didn’t escape him.
‘Why? That house, like this park is associated with your parents, so why don’t you want to go there?’ He interrogated, wanting to know the reason behind the sudden anger cast on her face.
‘Because that house is no longer associated with just my parents’ memory, it has another memory, one very painful memory which I would rather forget then relive by going into the house.’ She spat out bitterly, annoyed about how that one awful memory had ruined eight years of lovely memories.
‘What memory? What memory can be so awful that it negates all the good ones in that house Khushi?’ he approached her now and made her look at him.
‘His memory.’ She uttered repulsively. He didn’t follow. ‘He proposed to me on that very terrace, ruining everything.’ She explained. ‘He ruined everything, those sweet memories, that house and….me.’ She turned away from him, while he just stared, not knowing what to do but finding it hard to cap his anger. He hated him more, if that was even possible. Hated him for ruining Khushi’s childhood home for her. For ruining Khushi. Ugh he wanted to beat him to pulp, he should have done it that day instead of just executing his plan to ruin him completely: financially and publically so that he would rot in jail for the next fifteen years and when he finally came out wouldn’t be able to do anything with his life.
‘Why are you marrying me Arnav ji?’ Her sudden question snapped him out of his murderous thought and he stared incredulously at her. How had they come back to this question? He had thought, hoped that they were passed this after that day in the office when she accepted his proposal.
‘What do you mean, why? You know why, because I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ He gushed out, gripping her arms and reminding her, while she stared at him confused. ‘Khushi…’
‘No….’ She clapped away his hands on her shoulders. ‘I know that…I mean…how can you want to marry me? I’m a ruined woman Arnav ji, a woman who walked into her own ruin, it’s not even like he forced me, I let him and you still want to be with someone like me? Someone who has already been taken by another man?’ She asked, not understanding why he was willing to be with her, when there were so many more women worthy of his love and affection out there, who hadn’t been tainted like her.
‘Khushi! You’re not a ruined woman!’ He advanced, angry at her for even thinking that, but she stepped away from him.
‘I am. And it’s time you understood that. We have never talked about this….I mean I’m sure you never thought the woman you would marry would have bedded another man. I’m sure like every other human being, man or woman, you would have dreamt of marrying a pure person, someone who would only lay with you no one else. But I have and that is a truth neither of us can run from. So how can you be ok with it? I don’t understand Arnav ji. Does it not enrage you, that someone has touched me, been with me, seen me?’ She fired those questions at him.
‘Khushi…stop. Please just stop.’ He begged her, not wanting to get into it. He didn’t know if he would be able to control himself if he did.
‘No Arnav ji. I can see it. The anger in your eyes, you’re trying so hard to cap it up. Just the way you used to before, whenever you were around me. Ever since you found out at the hospital that I wasn’t a virgin you kept your distance from me and there was always this anger in your eyes with regards to me. Don’t hold it back, let it out. I can understand your anger, it’s not fair on you to have me as a wife. To-‘
‘ENOUGH!! JUST STOP KHUSHI!!’ He shouted over her, silencing her.
‘Arnav ji-‘
‘No you listen. You have it all wrong. I am not angry at you. I am not.’ He repeated, forcing her to look his way when she looked away not believing him. ‘That is the truth. I am angry at him. Khushi Kumari Gupta I want you to hear loud and clear when I say this. It is not you or your fault for what happened to you. Should you have heeded caution, should you have stopped, yes. God I wish you had, but not for me, for you. Because I can see how it eats at you that thought of having been with him. That is why my blood boils, that you blame yourself. When you are not to blame. Khushi you trusted him how can that be wrong. He never gave you any reason to not trust him so how are you wrong? It is he, he who was wrong and who wronged you. Not you. I know in our society we always blame the woman, if she choses to sleep with a man, when there is no force, but that is not right. Each case is different and in yours, you are not to blame, so I don’t blame you or am angry at you. You are every bit pure, every bit beautiful, every bit innocent as you ever were and you how I know that? By what you did just now, the very fact that it eats at you, the very fact that you feel unworthy of someone shows me just how much purity exists inside of you. For you never think of yourself only about the person in front you, no bad person would behave like that Khushi. You trust me don’t you, so trust my character assessment of yourself too. Please trust it.’
‘But…’ she shook her head, still not being able to believe he was ok with it. ‘But you used to be so angry with me, I don’t see how all that can change just because you love me.’
‘Khushi…I was never angry with you for not being a virgin. Look I won’t lie to you, my very first reaction to finding out about your pregnancy and therefore that you had a man in your life, did shock me and hurt me, because I was jealous. My very first reaction to finding out that you were not a virgin was jealousy, it pained me that you had a man in your life, a man who knew you so intimately. Knew you the way only I wanted to know you. But I was never angry with you for being with someone, just angry that I had not met you before. Afterwards, when I misunderstood you and your past with that man, I got angry at you, but again it wasn’t because you weren’t a virgin. It was due to my own messed-up past.’ He slumped onto a bench in the park.
‘Khushi I don’t know how much you know about my parents, I don’t know whether Di or Nani told you. But my parents, they commited suicide, right before my eyes on our terrace. So my childhood house here in Lucknow is pretty much ruined due to that memory just the way yours’ is.’ He smirked at the irony of it. ‘You see my Dad, he had an affair with another woman when my mother found out she couldn’t handle it and took my Dadaji’s hunting gun and shot herself on the terrace. My father, in that moment realized his mistake and could not live with what his actions had led to and shot himself with the same gun, neither even thinking about me or Di, or realizing the fact that I was right there. Di and I had been playing hide-and-seek and I chose to hide behind a big plant pot on the terrace from where I saw it all.’
‘Oh god, Arnav ji….I’m so sorry. It must have been terrible.’ Khushi sat down on the bench next to him and took his hands into her own, forgetting her pain.
‘It was….’ He reflected. ‘Anyway,’ he sniffed and wiped away his tears that always crowded his eyes whenever that image came back to him, ‘I was telling you why I hated you initially. It was because of what my Bau ji di to my Amma and our family. Do you remember how in my misunderstanding I thought you were someone’s mistress? Yeah well that is why I treated you so harshly because I never found out who my Dad’s mistress was only festered the wound left by her and when I thought you to have been someone’s mistress too, I made you face all my hearts’ grief, when you didn’t deserve it. Even if you had been someone’s mistress, you didn’t deserve my anger for you weren’t responsible for my family’s ruin that sole credit went to my Bau ji and his mistress but I took it out on you. Because one I thought you were like her and two, because I was angry at myself for still falling for you and therefore felt like I was betraying my Amma by falling in love with a mistress. That is why I mistreated you, never because you weren’t a virgin Khushi. Never. I mean it.’ He turned and cupped her face, while she studied the floor shaking, not comprehending how her lack of virginity didn’t matter to this man. She’d grown up understanding that innocence, purity, dignity were synonymous to virginity, and yet Arnav was stating that virginity had nothing to do with it, rather character and according to him her character was pure. Could that be true? She hoped it was.
‘Look, would I have preferred you as virgin….may be…I don’t know.’ He shrugged. ‘All I know is that I wouldn’t change anything about you or your life, even if I wanted to, in order to spare you the heartache…why? Because every heartache, everything that has happened in your life has brought you to me, has made you who you are today, someone I love incredibly. Like I said, I wish that Shyam had never been part of your life to spare you the heartache….but at the same time a part of me is glad he was and turned out to be the scoundrel that he was because if he hadn’t then you would have never crashed my fashion show and entered my life and I wouldn’t change that moment for anything. Everything that has happened has led to this moment here, where we are on the eve of becoming one forever, so how can I be angry at whatever brought you to me. Understand?’ He asked.
‘I…’ She was still uncertain, she understood what he said and yet didn’t.
‘Look…look at it this way. Are you angry that I was engaged? That I had Lavanya in my life before you?’
‘Wha-? No. of course not. She is your past.’ Khushi immediately clarified; she would never be hurt or angry at his past.
‘Exactly. She is my past, like Shyam is yours’. Khushi not less than a year ago we both were promised to someone else and neither of us knew the existence of the other. We were happy in our lives and envisioning a future with our respective fiancés’, however, call it the unfortunate, or fortunate, games of destiny that changed all that and made Lavanya and Shyam depart from our lives, leaving both of us devastated. He broke your heart and I hers’ without even realizing it, causing me to writhe in guilt until…until I met you. When you came into my life, I first rebelled with the emotions you stirred inside of me but when I finally gave into them, the same life I had led all these years suddenly became a blessing because I had you in it, just the way I hope my presence has alleviated that pain and brought you happiness.’ She nodded, unable to say it herself.
‘So you see Khushi, just the way you can’t begrudge me my past, the same way I can’t and will not begrudge you your past. And now I want you to stop begrudging it yourself. If everyone around you, your whole family, my family and I can accept it and love you all the more then you have got to realize that you are not a bad person. That you are not this impure being you believe yourself to be, you made a mistake, for which you repented and now life is giving you a second chance, as it is giving me, embrace it and don’t look back anymore. Please. For your own sake.’ He pleaded.
‘Heh.’ She sniffed out a laugh. ‘Nani and Di were wrong,’ he raised his brow, confused, ‘you are good with words, only, you choose not use them on most occasions.’ She wiped away her tears and gave him a watery smile. Finally, at peace with the fact that Arnav didn’t judge her by her non-virgin status and finally beginning to understand that it did not define her, rather she defined herself.
‘Well…you know me…I make it a point to not let everyone see everything I am capable of. Because if people see it than the element of surprise is gone.’ He winked.
‘Really? Then why show it to me?’ She asked playfully.
‘Because you....Khushi Kumari Gupta…you with your mysterious ways bring out all that in me which even I didn’t know existed within me.’ He pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her forehead. ‘I love you Khushi Kumari Gupta.’ He whispered into her hair.
‘I love you too.’ She mumbled against his heart, as she hugged him more tightly.
‘Hmm? Did you say something?’ He pulled back, to look at her.
‘Umm…yes…I …uh…I said that I-‘
Trring-trring. Oh god the phone just had to ring right now didn’t it?!
‘Sorry.’ She apologized, as she searched for the phone in her coat pocket and pulled it out. ‘Yes Jiji?’ She answered the phone.
‘It’s actually Jeeja ji, Saali-ji.’ Aakash’s voice came from the other end.
‘Jeeja ji?!’ She gasped out, oh god, if he was calling, that meant he had found out she wasn’t in her room and if he had then who else had?
‘Hey…ssh. Calm down. Your secret is safe, for the time being. Payal told me to call you. She is distracting Amma and Bauji. But they want to spend the night with you, as its’ the last night before you leave us all for your new beginning. So get here fast.’
‘Oh…ok. Ummm…it’ll take me about twenty minutes Jeeju. Hold off Amma and Bau ji, until then please. Otherwise Jiji and I will be dead-meat.’ Khushi proclaimed.
‘Ok…just come quick.’ He said ending the call.
‘Arnav ji, I-‘
‘Need to get going. Yes I deciphered. Let’s get a rickshaw shall we? Although we should have come in my car, like I had said that way we wouldn’t have to flag down a rickshaw and would have gotten you home faster.’ Arnav referred to the argument they had earlier outside Sheesh-Mahal.
‘Oho. Really you want to have that argument again. Like I said, you were going out on a date with me and therefore would be doing things my way. Besides while your car may get me home faster, one it’s loud engine and bright colour would announce not only to the house but the whole neighbourhood that I was out and that too with you, and two, considering it isn’t here, that is a moot point anyway. Now stop staring at me and help me get a rickshaw!’ She nudged him to face the road and flag one down with her, while he just enjoyed her bossy attitude.
*****
Dear Readers,
A sensitive issue has been discussed in this chapter and many may disagree with what has been suggested. I wish to apologise to any of my readers whom I may have upset unintentionally. I have tried my best to deal with it as considerately as possible but I know not everyone will agree with what Arnav and Khushi say in this chapter and you have a right to your own opinion and I respect that and I apologise once more if your sentiments have been hurt here in this chapter.
Please understand this is fiction and was required for the plot I was writing - the whole point of the story was that Khushi would not be a virgin in it by consent and how that shapes her as a character, as well as how Arnav deals with that.
I hope that I have not offended you, but if I have then a sincerely apologise, that was never my intention.
Sincerely,
Your author - Abeer
A sensitive issue has been discussed in this chapter and many may disagree with what has been suggested. I wish to apologise to any of my readers whom I may have upset unintentionally. I have tried my best to deal with it as considerately as possible but I know not everyone will agree with what Arnav and Khushi say in this chapter and you have a right to your own opinion and I respect that and I apologise once more if your sentiments have been hurt here in this chapter.
Please understand this is fiction and was required for the plot I was writing - the whole point of the story was that Khushi would not be a virgin in it by consent and how that shapes her as a character, as well as how Arnav deals with that.
I hope that I have not offended you, but if I have then a sincerely apologise, that was never my intention.
Sincerely,
Your author - Abeer
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