The rest of the evening went by in a blur. Everyone got too busy entertaining and feeding Aakash that Khushi and Payal didn’t get a chance to continue the rest of their conversation. Thus when they all retired for the night Khushi was left in worse fits than before, especially after the little episode that took in the kitchen after they had cleared the dinner away. Khushi had walked in on a conversation taking place between Amma and Buaji that she wished she had never heard.
‘Yes Parminder told me, when she came to ask for the curd.’ Came the hushed but excited voice of Bua ji.
‘Oh that is awful and she is unwed…tsk-tsk’ responded Amma in an equally hushed but scandalized voice.
‘I tell you Garima, be glad you raised your girls well, to know not to get involved in such activities….’ Amma only nodded as Bua ji continued, ‘I was never very fond of that Parveen, always prancing about with some man or the other and now look what has that gotten her, pregnant out of wedlock….tsk tsk….that’s why I always told the girls to stay away from her, because I could see her influence would be ruinous for them, I mean how shameful….’
‘Yes Jiji…what must her poor parents be going through, and even the girl, she must be petrified….’ Voiced a concerned Garima.
‘May be so, but if you ask me that girl had it coming with her ludicrous behaviour, I mean Garima the g-‘ but she was cut short by Amma, who had spotted a ghostly white Khushi, standing in the doorway trembling, the clatter of the plates in her hand had caught her attention; very smoothly both the ladies changed the subject and took the plates away from Khushi and sent her to set the table for tea and dessert, clearly not wanting her to hear about their neighbour.
Ever since she had heard the condescending tone of Buaji and seen the scandalized look of Amma, her stomach had been in knots. She felt nauseous and light headed, although that could be due to morning sickness, which she now saw wasn’t contained to the morning but rather extended to the rest of the day. As she sat in front of the mirror braiding her hair, not paying the slightest attention to her hands which were now expert at the job of entwining her hair together, she thought about how people in the neighbourhood would use such language to describe her too, when her condition could no longer be hidden. Would they use such accusatory language for her too? Would they blame her alone for her pregnancy? How was that fair, you needed two to get pregnant, so why only blame the girl?! But such was the case of society, they always blamed the girl no matter what the man did. No one would say anything about Shyam and how he had betrayed Khushi and put her in this position. They would convict her and say cruel things behind her back and disdain her character, forgetting all the good she had done. Her family may come around and accept her eventually as Payal had said, although a small voice inside her told her that Payal only said that to console her and that she herself didn’t think so; but the community would never and they would make it awful for her and her family to live in.
Well at least one good thing came out of the evening, she knew she had made the right decision regarding Pam Aunty, aka Dr. Parminder Kaur, who was a re-known gynaecologist, but had earned her name in society as the ‘Queen of Scandalous Gossip’. She had made the right decision to not go to her to get checked, if she had then the whole of Lucknow would know about her pregnancy, probably even before she handed over the report to Khushi. At times like these, Khushi thought that Pam Aunty had become a doctor only to keep tabs on who had what, be it conception, miscarriage, nose job, boob job or whatever else she could find out about a person’s medical treatments, so much for doctor-patient confidentiality! She was probably too busy discussing some gossip when her teachers had talked about the importance of maintaining this privilege with their patient. Poor Parveen, she would now be the topic of every conversation and the victim of every disapproving retort. It was disgusting to think how people would flee from her just because she had gotten pregnant. Her own Bua ji and Amma would, it hurt to think about that, not just because Khushi was in the same situation, but she disapproved of such behaviour as it was. She hated how in their society a woman was woman’s worst enemy, it was despicable.
‘Khushi.’ Khushi looked up to find her sister standing in a dressing gown holding an empty jug of water in her hand.
‘Jiji?’ she started abruptly. ‘Oh my god, did I forget to fill the jug, oh Bua ji will kill me, I’m so sorry….but I was so sure I had-‘
‘Sshh….you did. Only I drained it down the sink.’
‘Hunh? Why? Had it gone stale?’ Khushi asked, confused.
‘Wha- No. Forget the jug Khushi. It was an excuse to come see you.’ Payal stated exasperatedly.
‘Oh’ Khushi responded in a hollow voice, as the true reason for Payal’s night time stroll dawned on her.
‘Ok, listen, I don’t have much time, I will need to get back to Aakash ji soon, but I was thinking..’ she hesitated before she continued. ‘Khushi I was thinking….should we talk to Shyam, may be get him to marry you….No listen,’ added Payal hastily as Khushi began to shake her head violently even at the thought of marriage with Shyam. ‘I know he is an awful man and if things were different I would never even suggest it, but Khushi marriage with him may save you from the scandal. I mean you heard how Bua ji was discussing Parveen’s case, yes I heard it too, I was next to the kitchen window. So I got to thinking that marrying him would mean that no one would ever have to know that you got pregnant before the marriage. Plus he is the father of the child and therefore has a responsibility to it, you alone cannot and should not have to raise him/her. Think about it Khushi.’ Payal pleaded earnestly, as she held her sister’s hand to drive the necessity of her point home.
But Khushi only withdrew her hand from her grasp and hung her head in dismay. Sighing, she conveyed, ‘I have already thought about it Jiji, but I cannot. My heart does not agree to it. If it was just about me then maybe I would have swallowed my pride and done it, but this isn’t. I’m a mother now, or will be in about nine months and so have to think about my kid too, and as a mother I would never want my child to be in any vicinity of that man. I don’t want him/her to grow under his shadow, who knows how that may affect him/her. Thus I cannot consider Jiji, I hope you understand. Maybe it is selfish, this decision and it will probably make my life, and my child’s life, a lot more difficult but I will be at peace with it because at least I will be relieved to know that s/he is far away from his/her father. Can you understand that?’ Asked Khushi, hoping that her sister did.
‘Hmm….yes I do. And you are right, even while suggesting it, the idea of Shyam being in your life and my neice or nephew’s was distasteful to me. It felt like a compromise, a really bad one, in which you were losing everything. Besides it would be the easy way out, running from the problem rather than facing it, which is never good and always blows up in your face anyway…’ sighed Payal. A strand had come loose on Khushi’s face, which Payal lovingly tucked away and then said as she stroked her cheeks with the back of her hand, ‘Don’t worry, we will figure a way out to deal with this. I promise, we will. Trust me?’
‘Always.’ Payal smiled. Then she turned on her heel and made her way out of the room, only to pause and take a last look at her sister from the doorway. Giving her a tired but encouraging smile she was gone and Khushi was alone once more, only this time Payal’s smile had done the trick and she was filled with hope, even though they had no idea what they would do.
In the morning as they prepared for Payal and Aakash’s breakfast before they left for the train to Delhi, the night’s calmness fizzed away and she was left in a frenzy yet again. Not knowing what to do, she seeked out her friend, the Goddess in the house temple, and prayed to her for strength and guidance on how to reveal the truth of her situation to the family. She was deep in her prayer when a hand rested on her shoulder. She looked up to find Payal’s reassuring smile. Her lips puckered as if to say something, but before they could Bua ji’s voice came, ‘Come on you two, let’s get breakfast on the table. Payal and Aakash bitwa will need to be leaving soon.’ Thus silently both the sisters went off without another word.
Khushi was a mess at breakfast, dropping cutlery and spilling juice in her wake. ‘What’s wrong with you Sanka Devi, have you spread butter on your fingers whilst applying it on your toast?’ muttered Buaji. Khushi flushed and gave a nervous apology for her extra clumsy state this morning.
Payal scoffed edgily and tried to veer everyone’s attention away from Khushi by prodding Aakash to announce what he had told her yesterday. Everyone now turned to him in anticipation at what he may have to say.
‘Right…ummm, Bau ji I had a request to ask you, all of you…’ Aakash started, as his ears went pink, from nerves.
‘Yes, anything bitwa.’ Replied Amma ji, while Bau ji nodded in encouragement.
‘Well, I was thinking, if you would allow it that is, that I, I mean we, would like for Khushi to come with us to Delhi, for some time.’ He added the last hastily as he saw the shock of his request form on their faces’. ‘I ask because, it’s a new city for Payal so I thought it would be nice for her to have Khushi there, you know a familiar face to help her adjust to the new change. I mean I will be busy at work during the day so Payal will be left all alone, so I thought Khushi could come and spend some time. Plus I know the two sister’s are very close this way they will get some more time together and Payal will have a part of home with her in Delhi….’Aakash trailed off, as he thought up of new things to make his case, as so far none of the Gupta’s had shown any sign of approval.
‘Yes please Bau ji, can Khushi come.’ Now Payal took lead while Aakash thought of new tactics, ‘It will be really helpful to me, she can help me unpack and set the house. I could use her help. And you know me I’m awful at making friends, with Khushi their at least I will have her until I meet new people….please Amma.’ Payal pleaded.
‘I….we…I don’t know, I mean….what do you think?’ Amma, at a loss for words turned to Bau ji, He didn’t respond, for he was in deep thought, sizing up the argument his daughter and son-in-law presented.
‘Jiji…what are you saying, me come to Delhi?!’ Khushi asked Payal, now finally coming out of the initial shock of the request. Payal merely nodded and said ‘Yes.’ Khushi went on to say something else, but Aakash didn’t listen, as he took advantage of her distraction to say his final reason for asking Khushi to Delhi.
‘Bau ji, I also thought this would be good for Khushi,’ he said in an undertone so that only Bau ji could hear, ‘You said yesterday on the way back from the station how Khushi has not been herself lately, that she tries to hide it in front of you all, but in truth she is quite depressed, which is to be expected considering everything that happened; so I thought this way she can have a change in scenery and therefore help her move on. Bau ji I too am part of this family now and I feel responsible for Khushi just as much as you all do. I want to help her in any way I can. And I know Payal will not relax until she knows her sister is well, this way Payal won’t worry over her as Khushi will be in front of her eyes and Khushi will have a change in scene. I will be happy to have her for however long she wishes to stay. Please grant me this. If not for mine or Payal’s then at least for Khushi’s sake.’ This point drove the message home and he knew it even before he asked again that he had won Bau ji over, which meant he would have all of their consent considering Bau ji’s decision was the final decision.
Bau ji cleared his throat, ‘I think what Aakash asks will be good for both Payal and Khushi, so you have my consent son. Khushi, are you happy to go with Payal and Aakash?’ Asked Bau ji, for he would never force her to go against her will.
‘I…umm…I’ She didn’t like being put into the spot light so suddenly, for a fleeting moment she was reminded of the Wedding Night, when she had found herself on the stage in front of a large unknown crowd, and those dark eyes that stood out in the midst of them. A shudder ran through her as even in her minds’ eye those eyes glared at her menacingly.
‘Khushi, you’ll come, no?!’ Payal inquired, only it sounded more like a demand.
‘Hunh…um yes…yes if Bau ji and Amma deem it ok then I have no objections.’ Payal relaxed, at hearing her respond in the affirmative.
‘Well than that is sorted, you can pack after breakfast and we can take the 12:30 train as you won’t be ready for the 10:30 one seeing as it’s already 9 o’clock.’ Exclaimed Aakash happily.
After clearing up breakfast both the sisters hurried off to pack Khushi’s clothes and toiletries. Once in the privacy of her room Khushi cornered Payal and asked anxiously, ‘Jiji you didn’t ask Jeeju to take me with you guys did you? What would he think?’
‘No Khushi I didn’t, I didn’t need to.’ She grinned back. Khushi stared at her hard, Payal had given her one of her cheeky grins, the one she gave when she outwitted somebody.
‘Jiji, I know that smirk, what did you do?’ questioned Khushi.
‘Haha…just tried out one of Buaji’s many pointers.’ Smiled Payal, quite happy with herself.
‘Which one?’ inquired Khushi, a hint confusion and delight etched on her face.
‘Remember Buaji once told us how the best way to get a man to do your bidding is by making them think that they came up with the option all by themselves rather than agreeing on something you request.’ Payal began.
‘Yeah…’ Khushi prodded, recalling this particular advise of Bua ji’s.
‘So all I did last night was express my concern for you, say how I was worried about you, cause of everything that had happened….No no, don’t worry I didn’t tell him about your pregnancy or the fact that you slept with Shyam,’ She added hastily as she saw the panic rise in Khushi’s face, ‘He thought I was talking about your broken engagement and I didn’t specify exactly which of your issue’s I was most concerned with.’ Her eye glinted with the little mischief of her ploy, ‘Seeing me worried he took the decision all by himself, suggesting how we should take you to Delhi with us….truthfully speaking Khushi I hadn’t even thought of that, I was trying to get him to think about leaving me here for a little while longer, but when he suggested you come with us, I realized how perfect that was. This way no one in Lucknow would know about your pregnancy, apart from Amma, Bauji and Buaji. And with you in Delhi we would get time to think it through and figure out the best way to tell them so I jumped on the opportunity he offered and said that would be great, he was really pleased with himself for bringing that smile on my face and I did reward him for it too, later,’ she winked, ‘But you know what really touched me, that he really cares, not just about me but about you and Amma and Bauji and Bua ji. You know after he suggested you come with us he went on to say how he was worried for you too, how he saw it too, in your face,’ there was a sad look in her face now, with a hint of pride for her husband, ‘he said how It hurt him to come back and find his saali so changed, how the cheerful mischief that had always reflected in your face during our courtship wasn’t there instead there was only hurt, which upset him and so he too had been thinking if there was a way he could help you find your way out of the depression…he cares, he truly cares Khushi…’ There was such admiration in her voice that it brought one Khushi’s old smiles back to her face, seeing how happy her sister was.
‘Yes, he does. Oh Jiji I’m so happy for you, you have such a caring and loving husband, the kind you always wanted.’ Khushi hugged her sister. As Payal let a few tears drop in her hair, they were for her sister, a prayer that she may too find the happiness that she had found, one day, even if that day seemed out of the question right now, she hoped, prayed that Khushi may find a man who would love her, dote on her and care for the way she deserved to be taken care of. But she didn’t voice it to Khushi, knowing too well that these thoughts would only grieve her at the moment, for as much as she wanted these things Khushi no longer deemed them possible for her. But as impossible as it seemed to find a man in their society who would accept Khushi and her child, Payal hoped that there may be one.
‘Yes Parminder told me, when she came to ask for the curd.’ Came the hushed but excited voice of Bua ji.
‘Oh that is awful and she is unwed…tsk-tsk’ responded Amma in an equally hushed but scandalized voice.
‘I tell you Garima, be glad you raised your girls well, to know not to get involved in such activities….’ Amma only nodded as Bua ji continued, ‘I was never very fond of that Parveen, always prancing about with some man or the other and now look what has that gotten her, pregnant out of wedlock….tsk tsk….that’s why I always told the girls to stay away from her, because I could see her influence would be ruinous for them, I mean how shameful….’
‘Yes Jiji…what must her poor parents be going through, and even the girl, she must be petrified….’ Voiced a concerned Garima.
‘May be so, but if you ask me that girl had it coming with her ludicrous behaviour, I mean Garima the g-‘ but she was cut short by Amma, who had spotted a ghostly white Khushi, standing in the doorway trembling, the clatter of the plates in her hand had caught her attention; very smoothly both the ladies changed the subject and took the plates away from Khushi and sent her to set the table for tea and dessert, clearly not wanting her to hear about their neighbour.
Ever since she had heard the condescending tone of Buaji and seen the scandalized look of Amma, her stomach had been in knots. She felt nauseous and light headed, although that could be due to morning sickness, which she now saw wasn’t contained to the morning but rather extended to the rest of the day. As she sat in front of the mirror braiding her hair, not paying the slightest attention to her hands which were now expert at the job of entwining her hair together, she thought about how people in the neighbourhood would use such language to describe her too, when her condition could no longer be hidden. Would they use such accusatory language for her too? Would they blame her alone for her pregnancy? How was that fair, you needed two to get pregnant, so why only blame the girl?! But such was the case of society, they always blamed the girl no matter what the man did. No one would say anything about Shyam and how he had betrayed Khushi and put her in this position. They would convict her and say cruel things behind her back and disdain her character, forgetting all the good she had done. Her family may come around and accept her eventually as Payal had said, although a small voice inside her told her that Payal only said that to console her and that she herself didn’t think so; but the community would never and they would make it awful for her and her family to live in.
Well at least one good thing came out of the evening, she knew she had made the right decision regarding Pam Aunty, aka Dr. Parminder Kaur, who was a re-known gynaecologist, but had earned her name in society as the ‘Queen of Scandalous Gossip’. She had made the right decision to not go to her to get checked, if she had then the whole of Lucknow would know about her pregnancy, probably even before she handed over the report to Khushi. At times like these, Khushi thought that Pam Aunty had become a doctor only to keep tabs on who had what, be it conception, miscarriage, nose job, boob job or whatever else she could find out about a person’s medical treatments, so much for doctor-patient confidentiality! She was probably too busy discussing some gossip when her teachers had talked about the importance of maintaining this privilege with their patient. Poor Parveen, she would now be the topic of every conversation and the victim of every disapproving retort. It was disgusting to think how people would flee from her just because she had gotten pregnant. Her own Bua ji and Amma would, it hurt to think about that, not just because Khushi was in the same situation, but she disapproved of such behaviour as it was. She hated how in their society a woman was woman’s worst enemy, it was despicable.
‘Khushi.’ Khushi looked up to find her sister standing in a dressing gown holding an empty jug of water in her hand.
‘Jiji?’ she started abruptly. ‘Oh my god, did I forget to fill the jug, oh Bua ji will kill me, I’m so sorry….but I was so sure I had-‘
‘Sshh….you did. Only I drained it down the sink.’
‘Hunh? Why? Had it gone stale?’ Khushi asked, confused.
‘Wha- No. Forget the jug Khushi. It was an excuse to come see you.’ Payal stated exasperatedly.
‘Oh’ Khushi responded in a hollow voice, as the true reason for Payal’s night time stroll dawned on her.
‘Ok, listen, I don’t have much time, I will need to get back to Aakash ji soon, but I was thinking..’ she hesitated before she continued. ‘Khushi I was thinking….should we talk to Shyam, may be get him to marry you….No listen,’ added Payal hastily as Khushi began to shake her head violently even at the thought of marriage with Shyam. ‘I know he is an awful man and if things were different I would never even suggest it, but Khushi marriage with him may save you from the scandal. I mean you heard how Bua ji was discussing Parveen’s case, yes I heard it too, I was next to the kitchen window. So I got to thinking that marrying him would mean that no one would ever have to know that you got pregnant before the marriage. Plus he is the father of the child and therefore has a responsibility to it, you alone cannot and should not have to raise him/her. Think about it Khushi.’ Payal pleaded earnestly, as she held her sister’s hand to drive the necessity of her point home.
But Khushi only withdrew her hand from her grasp and hung her head in dismay. Sighing, she conveyed, ‘I have already thought about it Jiji, but I cannot. My heart does not agree to it. If it was just about me then maybe I would have swallowed my pride and done it, but this isn’t. I’m a mother now, or will be in about nine months and so have to think about my kid too, and as a mother I would never want my child to be in any vicinity of that man. I don’t want him/her to grow under his shadow, who knows how that may affect him/her. Thus I cannot consider Jiji, I hope you understand. Maybe it is selfish, this decision and it will probably make my life, and my child’s life, a lot more difficult but I will be at peace with it because at least I will be relieved to know that s/he is far away from his/her father. Can you understand that?’ Asked Khushi, hoping that her sister did.
‘Hmm….yes I do. And you are right, even while suggesting it, the idea of Shyam being in your life and my neice or nephew’s was distasteful to me. It felt like a compromise, a really bad one, in which you were losing everything. Besides it would be the easy way out, running from the problem rather than facing it, which is never good and always blows up in your face anyway…’ sighed Payal. A strand had come loose on Khushi’s face, which Payal lovingly tucked away and then said as she stroked her cheeks with the back of her hand, ‘Don’t worry, we will figure a way out to deal with this. I promise, we will. Trust me?’
‘Always.’ Payal smiled. Then she turned on her heel and made her way out of the room, only to pause and take a last look at her sister from the doorway. Giving her a tired but encouraging smile she was gone and Khushi was alone once more, only this time Payal’s smile had done the trick and she was filled with hope, even though they had no idea what they would do.
In the morning as they prepared for Payal and Aakash’s breakfast before they left for the train to Delhi, the night’s calmness fizzed away and she was left in a frenzy yet again. Not knowing what to do, she seeked out her friend, the Goddess in the house temple, and prayed to her for strength and guidance on how to reveal the truth of her situation to the family. She was deep in her prayer when a hand rested on her shoulder. She looked up to find Payal’s reassuring smile. Her lips puckered as if to say something, but before they could Bua ji’s voice came, ‘Come on you two, let’s get breakfast on the table. Payal and Aakash bitwa will need to be leaving soon.’ Thus silently both the sisters went off without another word.
Khushi was a mess at breakfast, dropping cutlery and spilling juice in her wake. ‘What’s wrong with you Sanka Devi, have you spread butter on your fingers whilst applying it on your toast?’ muttered Buaji. Khushi flushed and gave a nervous apology for her extra clumsy state this morning.
Payal scoffed edgily and tried to veer everyone’s attention away from Khushi by prodding Aakash to announce what he had told her yesterday. Everyone now turned to him in anticipation at what he may have to say.
‘Right…ummm, Bau ji I had a request to ask you, all of you…’ Aakash started, as his ears went pink, from nerves.
‘Yes, anything bitwa.’ Replied Amma ji, while Bau ji nodded in encouragement.
‘Well, I was thinking, if you would allow it that is, that I, I mean we, would like for Khushi to come with us to Delhi, for some time.’ He added the last hastily as he saw the shock of his request form on their faces’. ‘I ask because, it’s a new city for Payal so I thought it would be nice for her to have Khushi there, you know a familiar face to help her adjust to the new change. I mean I will be busy at work during the day so Payal will be left all alone, so I thought Khushi could come and spend some time. Plus I know the two sister’s are very close this way they will get some more time together and Payal will have a part of home with her in Delhi….’Aakash trailed off, as he thought up of new things to make his case, as so far none of the Gupta’s had shown any sign of approval.
‘Yes please Bau ji, can Khushi come.’ Now Payal took lead while Aakash thought of new tactics, ‘It will be really helpful to me, she can help me unpack and set the house. I could use her help. And you know me I’m awful at making friends, with Khushi their at least I will have her until I meet new people….please Amma.’ Payal pleaded.
‘I….we…I don’t know, I mean….what do you think?’ Amma, at a loss for words turned to Bau ji, He didn’t respond, for he was in deep thought, sizing up the argument his daughter and son-in-law presented.
‘Jiji…what are you saying, me come to Delhi?!’ Khushi asked Payal, now finally coming out of the initial shock of the request. Payal merely nodded and said ‘Yes.’ Khushi went on to say something else, but Aakash didn’t listen, as he took advantage of her distraction to say his final reason for asking Khushi to Delhi.
‘Bau ji, I also thought this would be good for Khushi,’ he said in an undertone so that only Bau ji could hear, ‘You said yesterday on the way back from the station how Khushi has not been herself lately, that she tries to hide it in front of you all, but in truth she is quite depressed, which is to be expected considering everything that happened; so I thought this way she can have a change in scenery and therefore help her move on. Bau ji I too am part of this family now and I feel responsible for Khushi just as much as you all do. I want to help her in any way I can. And I know Payal will not relax until she knows her sister is well, this way Payal won’t worry over her as Khushi will be in front of her eyes and Khushi will have a change in scene. I will be happy to have her for however long she wishes to stay. Please grant me this. If not for mine or Payal’s then at least for Khushi’s sake.’ This point drove the message home and he knew it even before he asked again that he had won Bau ji over, which meant he would have all of their consent considering Bau ji’s decision was the final decision.
Bau ji cleared his throat, ‘I think what Aakash asks will be good for both Payal and Khushi, so you have my consent son. Khushi, are you happy to go with Payal and Aakash?’ Asked Bau ji, for he would never force her to go against her will.
‘I…umm…I’ She didn’t like being put into the spot light so suddenly, for a fleeting moment she was reminded of the Wedding Night, when she had found herself on the stage in front of a large unknown crowd, and those dark eyes that stood out in the midst of them. A shudder ran through her as even in her minds’ eye those eyes glared at her menacingly.
‘Khushi, you’ll come, no?!’ Payal inquired, only it sounded more like a demand.
‘Hunh…um yes…yes if Bau ji and Amma deem it ok then I have no objections.’ Payal relaxed, at hearing her respond in the affirmative.
‘Well than that is sorted, you can pack after breakfast and we can take the 12:30 train as you won’t be ready for the 10:30 one seeing as it’s already 9 o’clock.’ Exclaimed Aakash happily.
After clearing up breakfast both the sisters hurried off to pack Khushi’s clothes and toiletries. Once in the privacy of her room Khushi cornered Payal and asked anxiously, ‘Jiji you didn’t ask Jeeju to take me with you guys did you? What would he think?’
‘No Khushi I didn’t, I didn’t need to.’ She grinned back. Khushi stared at her hard, Payal had given her one of her cheeky grins, the one she gave when she outwitted somebody.
‘Jiji, I know that smirk, what did you do?’ questioned Khushi.
‘Haha…just tried out one of Buaji’s many pointers.’ Smiled Payal, quite happy with herself.
‘Which one?’ inquired Khushi, a hint confusion and delight etched on her face.
‘Remember Buaji once told us how the best way to get a man to do your bidding is by making them think that they came up with the option all by themselves rather than agreeing on something you request.’ Payal began.
‘Yeah…’ Khushi prodded, recalling this particular advise of Bua ji’s.
‘So all I did last night was express my concern for you, say how I was worried about you, cause of everything that had happened….No no, don’t worry I didn’t tell him about your pregnancy or the fact that you slept with Shyam,’ She added hastily as she saw the panic rise in Khushi’s face, ‘He thought I was talking about your broken engagement and I didn’t specify exactly which of your issue’s I was most concerned with.’ Her eye glinted with the little mischief of her ploy, ‘Seeing me worried he took the decision all by himself, suggesting how we should take you to Delhi with us….truthfully speaking Khushi I hadn’t even thought of that, I was trying to get him to think about leaving me here for a little while longer, but when he suggested you come with us, I realized how perfect that was. This way no one in Lucknow would know about your pregnancy, apart from Amma, Bauji and Buaji. And with you in Delhi we would get time to think it through and figure out the best way to tell them so I jumped on the opportunity he offered and said that would be great, he was really pleased with himself for bringing that smile on my face and I did reward him for it too, later,’ she winked, ‘But you know what really touched me, that he really cares, not just about me but about you and Amma and Bauji and Bua ji. You know after he suggested you come with us he went on to say how he was worried for you too, how he saw it too, in your face,’ there was a sad look in her face now, with a hint of pride for her husband, ‘he said how It hurt him to come back and find his saali so changed, how the cheerful mischief that had always reflected in your face during our courtship wasn’t there instead there was only hurt, which upset him and so he too had been thinking if there was a way he could help you find your way out of the depression…he cares, he truly cares Khushi…’ There was such admiration in her voice that it brought one Khushi’s old smiles back to her face, seeing how happy her sister was.
‘Yes, he does. Oh Jiji I’m so happy for you, you have such a caring and loving husband, the kind you always wanted.’ Khushi hugged her sister. As Payal let a few tears drop in her hair, they were for her sister, a prayer that she may too find the happiness that she had found, one day, even if that day seemed out of the question right now, she hoped, prayed that Khushi may find a man who would love her, dote on her and care for the way she deserved to be taken care of. But she didn’t voice it to Khushi, knowing too well that these thoughts would only grieve her at the moment, for as much as she wanted these things Khushi no longer deemed them possible for her. But as impossible as it seemed to find a man in their society who would accept Khushi and her child, Payal hoped that there may be one.
Arnav let out an annoyed hiss. It still wasn’t right! He had been at his laptop for nearly two hours now trying to create and ad for LaANK. But it still wasn’t right. Usually it didn’t take him this long to make an ad, usually he wasn’t the one who had to do it. He would bark the orders to his PA and he would deal with it or get someone else to deal with it and bring him the final draft once it was done. But today he had taken the task upon himself, not because no one had been available but because he wanted to make sure no one messed it up, it had to perfect, which it wasn’t right now, he couldn’t trust anyone of his employees with it, this he would do himself. After all this was an advertisement appealing to those possessed with the unique talent of fashion designing to apply for the job Lavanya had held. He was sending out an ad to find someone to fill Lavanya’s position. No, not fill, for no one could or would ever even come up to the her caliber, but the fact remained she was no longer here and they needed a new fashion designer and fast as Lavanya had only managed to complete two of her lines before she had been brutally taken away, both of them now in production, they would need to launch a new one soon and for that they needed someone to design it.
Thus he had taken it upon himself to design and place the advert as he didn’t want just any clone with a fashion degree to come for the position, he wanted someone who had true talent. Someone who had uniqueness that would reflect in the clothes they designed. Someone who designed because they were passionate about it, not because it was just another job for them; whose designs would take LaANK to the heights Lavanya had envisioned for it. He wanted someone who would stand out from the crowd, just as vividly as that girl had stood out in the Lucknow fashion show, a bright green island in a sea of red.
She was etched in his mind. Her delicate frame, her fair complexion, her flushed cheeks, her full lips and of course those light brown eyes, that held such fear in them. She was the image of hatred, his hatred, he had never hated someone so much in his life, as much as he did her. She had ruined the single most important event in his life. She had dared to trip LaANK even before it had gotten securely on its’ feet, threatening it to never be able to stand. If only he could find her again, she haunted his dreams and kept him restless, he wanted her to pay, to hurt her for her crime but he wasn’t sure how. All he knew was that, that woman was his enemy and that if he ever crossed paths with her he would have to finish her otherwise she may ruin him. No. No one could dare ruin Arnav Singh Raizada, they would perish before they even got close to him!
‘Chotay?!’ Anjali’s voice jolted him out of his murderous thoughts, ‘Are you ok? You have this wounded look about you..’ said Anjali with a look of concern on her face.
Arnav composed himself and replied off-handedly, ‘Yeah Di, I’m fine, just working.’ He hoped that would get her to cut her visit short. It wasn’t that he didn’t like spending time with Anjali, he loved his sister and was fiercely possessive of her, but lately she had started cornering him with her sympathetic looks and lectures on how he should be moving on. This looked like one of those moments and she had brought re-enforcements – Nani. Oh great. This would be a grudging hour, if he was lucky, it may turn into two hours.
‘We brought you your medicines, you don’t take care of yourself at all Chotay.’ There was her opening into her pity speech. Oh he really was not in the mood right now.
‘And they were so many that you both needed to carry it in for me?’ remarked Arnav sardonically.
‘Wha- oh no Nani came with me to second me in a complain we have against you.’ This was a first, she was blatantly asserting her motive for this routine visit, in her prior counters she had generally eased into the conversation starting with something completely out of the blue and then slowly and painfully making her way to her ulterior motives. Hmm maybe it may be less painful to sit through it if she was upfront about, than they could be done with it faster.
‘Chotay you never spend any time with us anymore. You work late hours at work and when you come home you are glued to your study, we never see you anymore. Nani agrees with me.’ Oh great, she wasn’t going to be up-front he had been right the first time this will be excruciatingly painful.
‘Yes Chotay. All you do is work. You don’t socialize, you don’t sit with us, you don’t even come for dinner as you generally come home after dinner time. This is not done Chotay, this is not the way to live your life. You should be going out, meeting people. If food revitalizes your body than socializing rejuvenates the mind.’ Chided Nani.
‘Please Nani,’ Arnav groaned, ‘I have never been social and you know that, you know I don’t like these parties with pseudo-intellectual people in suits trying hard to further climb the social and financial ladder. They are artificial people, with no real opinions or tastes, whom I have no interest in befriending. I deal with enough clones at work I don’t want them to be part of my personal life too.’
‘In order for anyone to be a part of your personal life, you first need to have one Chotay. Right now the only thing in your so-called “personal life” are your plants and us. Which is hardly anything.’
‘Nani, my plants are my way to de-stress and you guys, well, I would hardly call you and Di, nothing, you are my everything.’ Replied Arnav, with an edge of emotion, to the hard blow she had just sent his way.
This took her by surprise and she was quiet for a moment, but only that, for she was his grand-mother after all and had been playing this game of manipulation of words a lot longer than he had, ‘If that is so than why don’t you heed our advice. We want what is best for you Chotay, you too, are our everything. We are not the enemy Chotay we are your well-wishers, your family, who want happiness for you.’
This took Arnav off-guard. He hadn’t expected this response, although, now hearing it he realized he should have for Nani was in the room. Generally when he had thrown some emotional dialogue Anjali would have backed off, but that was because she was Anajli to sweet a soul to want to offend anyone, Nani on the other hand was not. She would say it as she saw and would twist words for her own advantage, just as he did, well he had gotten that personality trait from her, while Anjali had taken her compassion, maybe too much of it. He had to think before he replied this time. ‘Well if it’s my happiness you are after, then you don’t have to look far Nani, in fact you don’t have to look at all, for I have it, in my work and in you and Di. You are my world and I am happy as long as you are in it, just you.’ He added hastily seeing the retort (of how they would remain in it always but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have others in it too) already forming in Nani’s face.
She gave a commending smile, for adding the last. It was a game of chess between them, seeing who would check-mate the other first. ‘Ok we are your happiness, fine, but what about ours, do you not care about our happiness Chotay. We want to see you settled with a nice girl who will take care of you. Who knows how long we will be around for Chotay and once we are gone then what, why won’t you give us that peace of mind, please. We all have learned the hard way that loved ones don’t stick around forever, Chotay, in fact sometimes they are taken away from us to soon.’
This hit him hard and she saw it. She had used the death card. He dropped the game of charades, ‘That was low Nani and uncalled for. Yes I know the feeling of losing a loved one too well and that is exactly why I don’t want to get close to someone. It is not because I’m not over Lavanya as you guys think, it’s because I would rather not get attached to someone and then lose them yet again!’ he hurled from across the desk.
He was angry, good. That is what they needed, for him to get angry to let his grief out. The grief he had bottled up ever since Lavanya’s accident. ‘Chotay why do you think that way? Just because Lavanya passed away doesn’t mean the next person you love will too and even if they do, that is no reason not to love. Chotay love is the only way to heal a grieving heart, keeping it locked up and under guard will only increase the pain, the loneliness, not reduce it.’ Explicated Nani.
‘Give love a chance, that is all we are saying Chotay.’ Echoed Anjali.
‘Love a chance?!’ Hissed Arnav. ‘I already did Di and it bit me in the ass!! Sorry for saying it rashly but its’ the truth and you know it. I gave it a chance with Lavanya and she was taken away from me like everyone else I ever loved, I am not going to give it anymore chances, it clearly is not meant for me and I have made my peace with that!’
‘Chotay, what are you talking about you lost Lavanya, yes, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to lose everyone you love, its’ not like that.’ Reasoned Anjali.
‘Really if that is the case then why haven’t you re-married Di. Why don’t you take your own advice, move on and marry. Give love a chance, Di.’ Arnav refuted irritatingly, however, he regretted it the moment the words escaped his lips. They were the product of his anger, he never would have said it otherwise. But the damage was done and he could see the tears brimming in Anjali’s eyes as his words hit her where it hurt most.
Anjali had recently lost her husband too, not to death, but to another, younger woman. She had been betrayed most brutally, seven months ago when her husband had turned up after two months of absence only to pack his things and move out, leaving her with a broken heart and divorce papers. She had been shattered, her worst fears had come to fruition. Anjali had always held a complex that she would never get love or be married due to her polio infected leg. Although she had been saved from the worst of its affects, she still walked with a limp. Thus she regarded herself as a cripple and thought no one would ever look her way or ask for her hand. Thus when Chetan had come into her life and asked for her hand she had not believed it at first, but when he had been persistent and stated that she was his one love and that in his eyes she was a beauty she had finally said yes and ever since then had thanked DM for her graciousness on giving her what every girl dreamed of.
However, seven month back when she lost her husband, she didn’t lose her faith in DM but rather it increased. Instead of forsaking her altogether, as Arnav had done after Lavanya’s death (not that he had had much faith in her prior to it, but a sliver of a hope had risen when Anjali had found her love and he had found his, that may be She did care for them, but after Anjali lost Chetan and he Lavanya that all disappeared and only anger and hatred existed in side of him for the Goddess and the world). Anjali had instead given up hoping on finding love, for she didn’t see how any man would be interested in her now, as she was soiled goods in all terms of the phrase, crippled and divorced. No matter how much Nani and Arnav (and Lavanya while she had been alive) tried to make her understand that that was not the case, she was a gorgeous person and any man would be lucky to have her. But she had shut those dreams away, of a happy marriage, believing they weren’t meant for her; until now, when Arnav had so brutally upturned them in his anger.
‘Di..’ Arnav approached her nervously, but she recoiled from his grip as she trembled from pain, grief and anger at her brother for raking up these sore wounds. ‘Di I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…..Di…’ He tried but she continued to move away from his advance.
‘No Chotay. Don’t. Do you really think I don’t want to be happily married or want to be loved?! Do you?!!’ she asked, her eyes gleaming with the hurt that was bottled up inside her. Arnav shook his head. But she didn’t acknowledge it as she went on, ‘Chotay I’m not a hypocrite who is asking you to move on when she hasn’t herself, because I have. I know there is no point in me pining over Chetan ji, because he doesn’t deserve my love, but I also know that there is no point in weaving dreams of a marriage again, as much as I may want to, because I know no man will want to marry me, I’m not marriage material, oh I’m pretty all right, but what good is the beauty when my leg and divorcé status will drive a man away as fast as they looked my way when they saw my face. I don’t want to marry someone because of my looks I already tried that and it turned out badly, now I only want someone who will marry me for me, but I know that is not possible because in order for them to get to know me they have to get past my limp and the fact that I am not a virgin, don’t flint because that is what my divorcé status tells them that this woman has been with another man and no man in our society is interested in being with a woman who has been with another man it is the harsh truth of our society, it doesn’t matter how many girls they may have been with but it matters that the girl they marry is pure, ‘unsoiled’ as they phrase it. So I know I have no chance at marriage now that is why I’m not even bothering Chotay! But what grieves me is that you do Chotay! You are eligible in every way, you are young, single, rich and dashing, you have it all, any girl and her family will be more than happy to make you their daughter’s husband. What angers me is that you have a chance at that happiness and you still turn your back to it!’ She hollered at him, anger taking over the pain now.
‘Di I don’t want to marry some girl because she wants to up her status that would not make me happy.’
‘I didn’t say marry a gold-digger Chotay, but you could try to look for someone who would make you happy can’t you.’
‘Di it’s not that easy to just forget Lavanya and go off with the first girl who comes my way. I don’t think I can ever forget Lavanya, she wasn’t just my finacée but my best friend too Di. It’s not that easy.’ Arnav sighed as he finally admitted to what was inside his heart.
‘I know it’s not easy and neither me nor Nani expect you to forget Lavanya, of course you can’t and you shouldn’t. She is your past and a great part of your life, it would be wrong to just discard her like that. All we are saying is don’t close your heart off Chotey. What happened was tragic but that doesn’t mean there isn’t love out there for you, I believe there is you just have to give it a chance. And no I don’t mean marry the first girl you find, what I mean is that if a girl comes by and you feel your heart stir then let it, don’t close it off, because it’s ok to fall in love again and to be happy. It doesn’t mean you will be betraying Lavanya or her love, it will only mean that she will become your past while whoever is in your life will be your present and future.’ Explained Anjali, understanding what it was that was keeping her brother from even considering on letting Lavanya go. Arnav had always been an intensely loyal person, thus she understood that he would consider it betrayal to fall in love again, but it wasn’t, not when Lavanya was no longer with them, then it was just healing and moving on, the way one did when a loved one passed away, be it spouse, sibling or parent, you didn’t forget them you just learned how to live without them.
Arnav was quiet for a long time, processing what Anjali said. At some level it made sense that it would be ok to move on and be happy with someone else, but whenever he thought about that he couldn’t shake away the feeling that it would be betraying Lavanya if he did that. It didn’t seem right to let anyone else into his heart, not just because it would betray Lavanya but also because he didn’t think his heart would be strong enough to handle yet another heart break. Sighing he turned to face Nani and Anjali, ‘Ok, I hear what you are saying and I will consider but just give me time ok. No more cornering me and harassing me, deal?’
Anjali and Nani both knew what that meant, he had heard them but didn’t agree with them or was not planning to take their advice and was no longer in the mood to argue over it. Truthfully neither were they, so both gave a resigned nod and left the room, leaving Arnav to his thoughts.
He thought about what Anjali had said, how if another girl came by and stirred his heart let her in instead of recoiling and shutting her out. He couldn’t think of anyone every coming into his heart that way, it didn’t seem possible. These thought plaguing his mind, he closed the screen of his laptop and rested his eyes. Only as soon as he shut them an image popped into his head, the last one he could have ever thought of. It was of the trembling girl in the Sheesh-Mahal Suite. Whose face was ashen with fear, yet a pink blush still prevailed on her cheeks, her eyes were wide with shock yet they held something else in them, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was something very familiar to him but he was unable to place it.
His eyes shot open, why had he thought of her when he had been thinking about Di’s words. Well when he thought about it, it made sense, she had stirred up something inside of him, only it wasn’t love as Di had hoped, it was hatred, raw hatred. Only a small voice inside his head asked, whether that was all it was?
Thus he had taken it upon himself to design and place the advert as he didn’t want just any clone with a fashion degree to come for the position, he wanted someone who had true talent. Someone who had uniqueness that would reflect in the clothes they designed. Someone who designed because they were passionate about it, not because it was just another job for them; whose designs would take LaANK to the heights Lavanya had envisioned for it. He wanted someone who would stand out from the crowd, just as vividly as that girl had stood out in the Lucknow fashion show, a bright green island in a sea of red.
She was etched in his mind. Her delicate frame, her fair complexion, her flushed cheeks, her full lips and of course those light brown eyes, that held such fear in them. She was the image of hatred, his hatred, he had never hated someone so much in his life, as much as he did her. She had ruined the single most important event in his life. She had dared to trip LaANK even before it had gotten securely on its’ feet, threatening it to never be able to stand. If only he could find her again, she haunted his dreams and kept him restless, he wanted her to pay, to hurt her for her crime but he wasn’t sure how. All he knew was that, that woman was his enemy and that if he ever crossed paths with her he would have to finish her otherwise she may ruin him. No. No one could dare ruin Arnav Singh Raizada, they would perish before they even got close to him!
‘Chotay?!’ Anjali’s voice jolted him out of his murderous thoughts, ‘Are you ok? You have this wounded look about you..’ said Anjali with a look of concern on her face.
Arnav composed himself and replied off-handedly, ‘Yeah Di, I’m fine, just working.’ He hoped that would get her to cut her visit short. It wasn’t that he didn’t like spending time with Anjali, he loved his sister and was fiercely possessive of her, but lately she had started cornering him with her sympathetic looks and lectures on how he should be moving on. This looked like one of those moments and she had brought re-enforcements – Nani. Oh great. This would be a grudging hour, if he was lucky, it may turn into two hours.
‘We brought you your medicines, you don’t take care of yourself at all Chotay.’ There was her opening into her pity speech. Oh he really was not in the mood right now.
‘And they were so many that you both needed to carry it in for me?’ remarked Arnav sardonically.
‘Wha- oh no Nani came with me to second me in a complain we have against you.’ This was a first, she was blatantly asserting her motive for this routine visit, in her prior counters she had generally eased into the conversation starting with something completely out of the blue and then slowly and painfully making her way to her ulterior motives. Hmm maybe it may be less painful to sit through it if she was upfront about, than they could be done with it faster.
‘Chotay you never spend any time with us anymore. You work late hours at work and when you come home you are glued to your study, we never see you anymore. Nani agrees with me.’ Oh great, she wasn’t going to be up-front he had been right the first time this will be excruciatingly painful.
‘Yes Chotay. All you do is work. You don’t socialize, you don’t sit with us, you don’t even come for dinner as you generally come home after dinner time. This is not done Chotay, this is not the way to live your life. You should be going out, meeting people. If food revitalizes your body than socializing rejuvenates the mind.’ Chided Nani.
‘Please Nani,’ Arnav groaned, ‘I have never been social and you know that, you know I don’t like these parties with pseudo-intellectual people in suits trying hard to further climb the social and financial ladder. They are artificial people, with no real opinions or tastes, whom I have no interest in befriending. I deal with enough clones at work I don’t want them to be part of my personal life too.’
‘In order for anyone to be a part of your personal life, you first need to have one Chotay. Right now the only thing in your so-called “personal life” are your plants and us. Which is hardly anything.’
‘Nani, my plants are my way to de-stress and you guys, well, I would hardly call you and Di, nothing, you are my everything.’ Replied Arnav, with an edge of emotion, to the hard blow she had just sent his way.
This took her by surprise and she was quiet for a moment, but only that, for she was his grand-mother after all and had been playing this game of manipulation of words a lot longer than he had, ‘If that is so than why don’t you heed our advice. We want what is best for you Chotay, you too, are our everything. We are not the enemy Chotay we are your well-wishers, your family, who want happiness for you.’
This took Arnav off-guard. He hadn’t expected this response, although, now hearing it he realized he should have for Nani was in the room. Generally when he had thrown some emotional dialogue Anjali would have backed off, but that was because she was Anajli to sweet a soul to want to offend anyone, Nani on the other hand was not. She would say it as she saw and would twist words for her own advantage, just as he did, well he had gotten that personality trait from her, while Anjali had taken her compassion, maybe too much of it. He had to think before he replied this time. ‘Well if it’s my happiness you are after, then you don’t have to look far Nani, in fact you don’t have to look at all, for I have it, in my work and in you and Di. You are my world and I am happy as long as you are in it, just you.’ He added hastily seeing the retort (of how they would remain in it always but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have others in it too) already forming in Nani’s face.
She gave a commending smile, for adding the last. It was a game of chess between them, seeing who would check-mate the other first. ‘Ok we are your happiness, fine, but what about ours, do you not care about our happiness Chotay. We want to see you settled with a nice girl who will take care of you. Who knows how long we will be around for Chotay and once we are gone then what, why won’t you give us that peace of mind, please. We all have learned the hard way that loved ones don’t stick around forever, Chotay, in fact sometimes they are taken away from us to soon.’
This hit him hard and she saw it. She had used the death card. He dropped the game of charades, ‘That was low Nani and uncalled for. Yes I know the feeling of losing a loved one too well and that is exactly why I don’t want to get close to someone. It is not because I’m not over Lavanya as you guys think, it’s because I would rather not get attached to someone and then lose them yet again!’ he hurled from across the desk.
He was angry, good. That is what they needed, for him to get angry to let his grief out. The grief he had bottled up ever since Lavanya’s accident. ‘Chotay why do you think that way? Just because Lavanya passed away doesn’t mean the next person you love will too and even if they do, that is no reason not to love. Chotay love is the only way to heal a grieving heart, keeping it locked up and under guard will only increase the pain, the loneliness, not reduce it.’ Explicated Nani.
‘Give love a chance, that is all we are saying Chotay.’ Echoed Anjali.
‘Love a chance?!’ Hissed Arnav. ‘I already did Di and it bit me in the ass!! Sorry for saying it rashly but its’ the truth and you know it. I gave it a chance with Lavanya and she was taken away from me like everyone else I ever loved, I am not going to give it anymore chances, it clearly is not meant for me and I have made my peace with that!’
‘Chotay, what are you talking about you lost Lavanya, yes, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to lose everyone you love, its’ not like that.’ Reasoned Anjali.
‘Really if that is the case then why haven’t you re-married Di. Why don’t you take your own advice, move on and marry. Give love a chance, Di.’ Arnav refuted irritatingly, however, he regretted it the moment the words escaped his lips. They were the product of his anger, he never would have said it otherwise. But the damage was done and he could see the tears brimming in Anjali’s eyes as his words hit her where it hurt most.
Anjali had recently lost her husband too, not to death, but to another, younger woman. She had been betrayed most brutally, seven months ago when her husband had turned up after two months of absence only to pack his things and move out, leaving her with a broken heart and divorce papers. She had been shattered, her worst fears had come to fruition. Anjali had always held a complex that she would never get love or be married due to her polio infected leg. Although she had been saved from the worst of its affects, she still walked with a limp. Thus she regarded herself as a cripple and thought no one would ever look her way or ask for her hand. Thus when Chetan had come into her life and asked for her hand she had not believed it at first, but when he had been persistent and stated that she was his one love and that in his eyes she was a beauty she had finally said yes and ever since then had thanked DM for her graciousness on giving her what every girl dreamed of.
However, seven month back when she lost her husband, she didn’t lose her faith in DM but rather it increased. Instead of forsaking her altogether, as Arnav had done after Lavanya’s death (not that he had had much faith in her prior to it, but a sliver of a hope had risen when Anjali had found her love and he had found his, that may be She did care for them, but after Anjali lost Chetan and he Lavanya that all disappeared and only anger and hatred existed in side of him for the Goddess and the world). Anjali had instead given up hoping on finding love, for she didn’t see how any man would be interested in her now, as she was soiled goods in all terms of the phrase, crippled and divorced. No matter how much Nani and Arnav (and Lavanya while she had been alive) tried to make her understand that that was not the case, she was a gorgeous person and any man would be lucky to have her. But she had shut those dreams away, of a happy marriage, believing they weren’t meant for her; until now, when Arnav had so brutally upturned them in his anger.
‘Di..’ Arnav approached her nervously, but she recoiled from his grip as she trembled from pain, grief and anger at her brother for raking up these sore wounds. ‘Di I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…..Di…’ He tried but she continued to move away from his advance.
‘No Chotay. Don’t. Do you really think I don’t want to be happily married or want to be loved?! Do you?!!’ she asked, her eyes gleaming with the hurt that was bottled up inside her. Arnav shook his head. But she didn’t acknowledge it as she went on, ‘Chotay I’m not a hypocrite who is asking you to move on when she hasn’t herself, because I have. I know there is no point in me pining over Chetan ji, because he doesn’t deserve my love, but I also know that there is no point in weaving dreams of a marriage again, as much as I may want to, because I know no man will want to marry me, I’m not marriage material, oh I’m pretty all right, but what good is the beauty when my leg and divorcé status will drive a man away as fast as they looked my way when they saw my face. I don’t want to marry someone because of my looks I already tried that and it turned out badly, now I only want someone who will marry me for me, but I know that is not possible because in order for them to get to know me they have to get past my limp and the fact that I am not a virgin, don’t flint because that is what my divorcé status tells them that this woman has been with another man and no man in our society is interested in being with a woman who has been with another man it is the harsh truth of our society, it doesn’t matter how many girls they may have been with but it matters that the girl they marry is pure, ‘unsoiled’ as they phrase it. So I know I have no chance at marriage now that is why I’m not even bothering Chotay! But what grieves me is that you do Chotay! You are eligible in every way, you are young, single, rich and dashing, you have it all, any girl and her family will be more than happy to make you their daughter’s husband. What angers me is that you have a chance at that happiness and you still turn your back to it!’ She hollered at him, anger taking over the pain now.
‘Di I don’t want to marry some girl because she wants to up her status that would not make me happy.’
‘I didn’t say marry a gold-digger Chotay, but you could try to look for someone who would make you happy can’t you.’
‘Di it’s not that easy to just forget Lavanya and go off with the first girl who comes my way. I don’t think I can ever forget Lavanya, she wasn’t just my finacée but my best friend too Di. It’s not that easy.’ Arnav sighed as he finally admitted to what was inside his heart.
‘I know it’s not easy and neither me nor Nani expect you to forget Lavanya, of course you can’t and you shouldn’t. She is your past and a great part of your life, it would be wrong to just discard her like that. All we are saying is don’t close your heart off Chotey. What happened was tragic but that doesn’t mean there isn’t love out there for you, I believe there is you just have to give it a chance. And no I don’t mean marry the first girl you find, what I mean is that if a girl comes by and you feel your heart stir then let it, don’t close it off, because it’s ok to fall in love again and to be happy. It doesn’t mean you will be betraying Lavanya or her love, it will only mean that she will become your past while whoever is in your life will be your present and future.’ Explained Anjali, understanding what it was that was keeping her brother from even considering on letting Lavanya go. Arnav had always been an intensely loyal person, thus she understood that he would consider it betrayal to fall in love again, but it wasn’t, not when Lavanya was no longer with them, then it was just healing and moving on, the way one did when a loved one passed away, be it spouse, sibling or parent, you didn’t forget them you just learned how to live without them.
Arnav was quiet for a long time, processing what Anjali said. At some level it made sense that it would be ok to move on and be happy with someone else, but whenever he thought about that he couldn’t shake away the feeling that it would be betraying Lavanya if he did that. It didn’t seem right to let anyone else into his heart, not just because it would betray Lavanya but also because he didn’t think his heart would be strong enough to handle yet another heart break. Sighing he turned to face Nani and Anjali, ‘Ok, I hear what you are saying and I will consider but just give me time ok. No more cornering me and harassing me, deal?’
Anjali and Nani both knew what that meant, he had heard them but didn’t agree with them or was not planning to take their advice and was no longer in the mood to argue over it. Truthfully neither were they, so both gave a resigned nod and left the room, leaving Arnav to his thoughts.
He thought about what Anjali had said, how if another girl came by and stirred his heart let her in instead of recoiling and shutting her out. He couldn’t think of anyone every coming into his heart that way, it didn’t seem possible. These thought plaguing his mind, he closed the screen of his laptop and rested his eyes. Only as soon as he shut them an image popped into his head, the last one he could have ever thought of. It was of the trembling girl in the Sheesh-Mahal Suite. Whose face was ashen with fear, yet a pink blush still prevailed on her cheeks, her eyes were wide with shock yet they held something else in them, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was something very familiar to him but he was unable to place it.
His eyes shot open, why had he thought of her when he had been thinking about Di’s words. Well when he thought about it, it made sense, she had stirred up something inside of him, only it wasn’t love as Di had hoped, it was hatred, raw hatred. Only a small voice inside his head asked, whether that was all it was?
*****
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