You have lost the right to call me Amma! ... You disgraceful child! ...You are not my daughter and you have proven it ...You disgust me Khushi!! ...Just leave Khushi...I want you no where near me, or my family...
Tear upon tear flowed from her eyes as she stared up at the starry sky holding up her dying heart for the heavens to see. 'Amma I'm alone, all alone. Wounded, charred, disowned by everyone whom I thought to by my very own. Where am I to go...where? I have no shoulder to cry on, no soothing hand to wipe away my grief. No one to console my broken heart. No one to hear my woes. Alone. All alone. Orphaned once more. Who can I turn to? Are you even listening? Or have you too turned your back on me? I won't blame you. I've hurt everyone, everyone who ever cared for me. DM, Amma, Bauji, Bua ji and even Jiji and Jeeju even if they don't say it. I know I have disappointed them too. Broken their hearts'.
'I am the sinful creature they see me to be. I am the disgraceful child they claim me to be. I should be shunned. But Amma...Amma I am sorry, for all of it. Does that not count? My heart has bled over my sins, is that not worth anything? I too have been betrayed, so should I not receive some consolation. I didn't do it on purpose. Yes, it all happened in my consciousness, I was aware of everything that was taking place, but I had my reasons too, I didn't do it to deliberately to disobey my teachings, to dishonor my family. I did it because at that moment it seemed right, it seemed the only way to continue my engagement. I didn't want to, but I still did, believing if I didn't then it may result in a broken engagement which would not be good for the family either. Yet it all still happened. The engagement still broke and my family was still dishonoured, but how was I supposed to know that? How? I did what I was told, abide everything that your fianc asks of you, for he is to be your husband and you should listen to him. He was never made to feel like my fianc, but rather my husband, he went straight from being my best friend to my husband with the engagement; it was always: behave in front of him he is your husband, yes the Pheres are yet to happen, but you must act like a wife from now on. So what was I supposed to do...I slept with the man I believed to be my husband but now suddenly, he is not; he is just a man whom I have sinned with? How is that right? What is right, what is wrong? Was I wrong then or am I wrong now? I don't know...I don't know...why did you leave me Amma? Why didn't you just take me with you? I don't belong here, I never have, I was only fooling myself, thinking that I was part of this world, part of a family, I never was...and now, I never will be...'
Covering her face with her hands she began shaking with grief, not even realizing that someone was there, who had listened to the end of her monologue and was now moving towards her with fear and remorse in his heart.
'Khushi...' He whispered, finally, after standing behind her for some time deliberating over the best way to stop her from taking her life and instead comfort her, so she didn't come to the brink of it ever again.
She started up at his voice. Nausea tickled at her throat when she saw his reflection in the calm pool water and realized who was standing behind her. How much had he heard? Wiping her tears carelessly, she turned and tried to head into her house. But he blocked the way. For a moment they only stared at each other. Then he lifted his right hand and started moving it towards her face. Surprised by his advance she slapped away his hand and took a step back, only to lose her footing on the edge of the pool, causing her to fall.
'AAARRRNNNAAAVVV JIII...' she gasped.
'KHUSHI!!' he bellowed, as he launched forward and seized one of her flying arms in his hand, using it to pull her towards him and then securing her waist in his other to make sure she was safely in his cocoon, rather then drowning in the pool.
Her eyes were shut tight, while her fist clenched the folds of his shirt. A tear, paralyzed by the shock of what had nearly happened nestled near the edge of her eye. The tear he had moved to wipe and she had mistaken for his advance. He know traced his thumb under her eye and wiped it away, causing her to come out of the moment and realize that she had not fallen into the pool but was now in Arnav's arms. Their eyes locked and for a while neither moved or said anything. Then Khushi began shifting as the closeness made her awkward. He too began moving out of the embrace, but first guided her away from the pool before letting go of her. She turned and began walking away when he pulled her back.
'Khush-' before she registered what he was trying to say she heard and felt it. RIP! Her eyes widened in horror. How dare he?!! She peaked down to confirm it and saw the slit on the side of her kameez had increased from its' normal length to reveal her soft abdominal flesh under it. She clutched at it, as she closed her eyes to try and control the anger that was now reaching boiling point. She didn't want to deal with him, not right now, not when she was grieving her loss. She began striding away, towards the pool house in measured strides as she tried to keep a cap on her fury.
'Khushi...I didn't...my watch...' Arnav began after her, horrified at what had happened. He didn't want her to feel embarrassed or think anything else, he had tried to stop her as soon as he had noticed her kameez stuck in his watch, but she had walked away too quickly. 'Khu-' he placced his hand on her shoulder.
SLAP!!
Before he had managed to get another word out, he found her standing before him, rage etched in every inch of her face.
'NO!! YOU LISTEN TO ME!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!! THAT JUST BECAUSE THIS GIRL HAS SLEPT WITH ANOTHER MAN SHE'S AN EASY TARGET?!! THAT SHE WILL HAPPILY JOIN YOU IN BED?!! WELL YOU'RE WRONG!!! SO VERY WRONG MR. RAIZADA!! I'M NOT THAT GIRL!! I DON'T SLEEP WITH MEN FOR PLEASURE!! THAT IS NOT MY THING!!! AND IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY LISTENED TO MY STORY IN THE HOSPITAL THAT DAY RATHER THAN HEARD WHAT YOU WANTED TO AND BELIEVED WHAT YOU WANTED TO THEN YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN!! THAT THE MAN I SLEPT WITH WAS NOT JUST ANY MAN I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH, HE WAS MY FIANC! MY BEST FRIEND!! AND WHOM I BELIEVED TO BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM BECAUSE I WANTED TO TRAP HIM OR SOMETHING, I SLEPT WITH HIM BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO BE MY HUSBAND. BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO AND I LET HIM. BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM, BECAUSE I BELIEVED HIS EVERY WORD, NEVER EVEN DOUBTED HIM FOR A SECOND. IT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE COULD TURN OUT TO BE A COMPLETE SCOUNDREL WHO WOULD BREAK MY HEART THE VERY NEXT DAY BY CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME OTHER GIRL!! WHY WOULD IT? I HAD KNOWN HIM MY WHOLE LIFE, MY FAMILY TRUSTED HIM, I TRUSTED HIM SO THEN WHEN HE ASKED ME TO SHOW HIM THAT TRUST BY SLEEPING WITH HIM I DID. IT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE WAS JUST BAITING ME, THAT HE NEVER DESERVED THAT TRUST, ALL I THOUGHT IN THAT MOMENT WAS WHAT IF I DIDN'T AND THEN HE LEFT ME, THEN WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, WHAT WOULD PEOPLE SAY IF MY ENGAGEMENT BROKE...PLUS HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND AND I DID TRUST HIM AND WE WOULD BE MARRIED SO THEN IT WAS OK...SO I DID IT...I SLEPT WITH HIM...
'I slept with him...making the biggest mistake of my life...I slept with him...' She repeated those four words over and over again in a hoarse whisper as she crouched onto one of the pool chairs. While Arnav just stared at her in shock. Unable to comprehend everything she was shouting at him. He had learnt the truth at the hospital, but now, hearing it from her own lips it made it all the more real, her tragedy all the more morbid and his assumption all the more horrid.
'I slept with a man...that's all the world see's, that's all. But no one ever tried to find out why. All they saw was she slept with a man, thus she is a disgraceful person. She should be shunned and looked down upon. Did anyone ever try to ask me why? What led me to sleep with him? No, no one asked. They all just gave their verdict.Khushi is an ungrateful, imprudent child. She is a deceiver and betrayer. Not once did they stop to look and see that she too has been betrayed. She too is suffering. She too lost an immense amount that night. She lost the most. Her trust. Her family. Her love. Her virginity. Her everything. She lost everything that night because of one man's lust and her wrongful trust. But no, all everyone see's is how I have wronged them. Not that I too have been wronged. Why would they? For how can a man be at fault, it must always be the woman? If I slept with him, I'm wrong. If I didn't, I'm still wrong!! One can say I was stupid to believe his words and sleep with him, but tell me this if I had not, if I had walked away from him and he then turned around and broke the engagement with me for disobeying him then wouldn't everyone turn on me and call me disobedient? Tell me that I should have done everything he said, because he was to be my husband and so I should do everything he says. Because a man gets a fiance but a woman gets a future husband after an engagement and so must treat him like one. Thus I did. And now, I must pay for it.
'Hah...that's the law of society.' She barked out a crude laugh. 'Man is always superior, always is right. And woman...always inferior, always wrong. The only instance where one may blame the man is rape, but I wasn't raped so then I must be wrong. If he didn't force me, if I did it willingly then I'm wrong. Simple as that. Black and white. No chance of a grey area. No chance that the man is just as wrong as the woman. No, because it is ok for a man to sleep around, have girlfriends, cheat, be disloyal, but if a woman sleeps with her love then it's wrong. She is a s**t, a wh**e, a tainted woman.'Arnav flinched at those heinous names and felt like being buried in the very spot he stood for he had given her those very labels in Nainital.
'But has anyone ever stopped to think that the woman people so readily except their sons to have affairs with and leave are the very woman they give these names too.' Khushi went on in her soliloquy not even noticing how her reiteration of his labels made his heart squeal in agony. 'That these women give their everything to their sons' and its' their sons who then leave her to become society's joke. That in fact, it is society and society's sons' who are responsible for that woman's downfall. For that woman's dishonor. No woman readily gives up her dignity, no woman wishes to lose her respect; she gives her honour to a man she trusts, a man she loves; only when she is fully committed to a man does she allow him to touch her, but what she doesn't realize is that this man is like every other man, who is interested only in her body, nothing else!
'She foolishly believes that her love is not like others, her love will not betray her, her love will always be with her; only her love is none of the above for he is a man at the end of the day, who will turn around and disgrace her. He will be disloyal to her. But society will never see that, all they will see is that the girl was wrong, she misled the man and then to trap him slept with him, instead of realizing that it was in fact the man who mislead her, trapped her in his sweet words just to sleep with her...then left her to be ridiculed in society. No they will never see that. They will call out her mistake.My mistake. Never ask what he did wrong. Only say that I was wrong...
'Well then. Fine. I am wrong. I am wrong for trusting him, for believing him, for loving him. For showing him that I would be an obedient and trustful wife. I am wrong: wrong to cry over my mistake. Wrong to feel sorry for what has happened to me. Wrong to expect my own family to give me a chance, to try and understand me. To try and listen to me. Wrong in all accounts. Wrong to expect people to think that I am a human who has a heart. A heart that is just as fragile as everyone else's. A heart that has lost so much. But of course if my heart broke then it must be my fault too, for: I. Am. Wrong. I am wrong!! But someone tell me if all of this is wrong then what is right?!! Can I do anything right? My love is wrong. My actions are wrong. My feelings are wrong. Everything is wrong...everything I do is wrong...wrong...' she wept miserably, while Arnav watched, helpless, over her: miserable with himself for not knowing how to bring relief to her aching heart. Everything she had said stabbed at him, he wished to go wring every person who had hurt her starting with himself. She was an angelic person who had been stoned, scorned and singed for being nave and trusting,that was wrong, not her: what had been done to her, not what she had done. She had been right, unfortunately the circumstance had not.
'Di and Jiji say to put myself in their shoes, to try and understand their pain,' she spoke in a hollow voice, after a long while and gained his attention instantly, although she had long forgotten that he was there, 'I do. I do. I know it's not easy for Amma and Bua ji to understand or forgive me and I'm not asking them to. All I ask is that they try to put themselves in my position too. Try to understand that I am not proud of what I did. Far from it. I recoil from myself. All I want is for them to just listen, to just know, that I am their Khushi. That if they turn their backs on me, then I will die. Just waste away and die. That it was their love that gave me the strength to carry on living each day even after everything that happened, but now if they turn away how will I survive? My heart has endured too much already, it won't survive another loss. I won't survive. But maybe...may be this is my punishment, to be left all alone. Orphan, as I am.'
'Hmmh...' She sniggered after another long pause. 'No Amma. Don't worry your daughter has not given up.' She looked up towards the heavens, a fiery spark in her eyes that glazed brightly behind the tears that were still in her eye, giving her a maddening look. 'Don't worry...I'm your daughter, both your and your sisters' daughter after all. When you both found a way to get you back in Nanaji's good graces after you ran away with Bauji, then I too will win over Amma, Bauji and Bua ji's hearts. They don't want to listen to me, fine. Then I will stop talking, instead I will let my actions convey to them that I am their daughter. Their Khushi.' With that she stood up, wiped away her tears and headed back into her house. Leaving Arnav staring after her in awe.
Her words pierced his heart. There was such intensity in it. Such pain. Pain he had never thought anyone else capable of. He had always assumed that no one had felt as much pain as he had. No one truly knew what it felt to be left completely broken by someone you believed to be your own. But today he learnt how wrong he was. He learnt that someone else had experienced just as much, in fact much more pain than he ever had. He stared after her incredulously. He didn't understand how she was still in one piece after her whole world had crashed down upon her and shattered her completely. He was still picking up his own broken pieces from after his father's affair had been discovered and here she had been persecuted every moment of the last four months and still managed to smile and keep it together. What was she made of?!!!
How wrongly had he judged her? She was right, he only saw what he wanted to see, heard what he wanted to hear, believed what he wanted to believe, instead of actually stopping to listen to what she had to say. To what the truth was. He, like everyone else in her life had not stopped to ever consider that there was more to the fact that she had slept with someone. That just because she had, it did not by default make her wrong. There were grey areas in life. Not everything could be categorized as just right or wrong, had not his mother taught him that? But he had forgotten; his hatred for his father had made him forget. All he knew was that his father was wrong and from then on he had decided to put everything in the category of right and wrong, where generally all went in the latter. But that's not how it was, there was always two sides to the story and one had to listen to both before reaching the verdict; but he, Arnav Singh Raizada, had not done that. He had given his verdict in regard to Khushi instead of actually hearing what had occurred and due to it had said and done God only knew what to her.
It was his turn to collapse onto the pool-chair, she had vacated moments earlier, as he recalled everything he had said to her, the way he had treated her ever since the blinds of his prejudice had blurred her truth. Her anger, her shock, her confusion to his actions all made sense now. How he wished to go into the pool house, drop down to his knees and beg for forgiveness. But he couldn't, not right now. She needed to be alone. She was hurt and beaten down. She didn't need to have him groveling in front of her. That wouldn't please her. He had learnt this much about her, she didn't find joy in someone's misery. She didn't want someone to plead her for forgiveness; that would hurt her more. All that mattered to her was that one no longer held the wrong notions about her. Thus he decided against barging in on her. Right now she needed to rest and recuperate, his forgiveness could wait till tomorrow. She didn't need to see his tears that would only make her cry more, not less.
This decided he gave one last longing look at her house, which was in a dark hue now, as the lights were off, then turned towards his own room, despair in his heart at the knowledge of Death having made a comfortable abode inside hers'.
Tear upon tear flowed from her eyes as she stared up at the starry sky holding up her dying heart for the heavens to see. 'Amma I'm alone, all alone. Wounded, charred, disowned by everyone whom I thought to by my very own. Where am I to go...where? I have no shoulder to cry on, no soothing hand to wipe away my grief. No one to console my broken heart. No one to hear my woes. Alone. All alone. Orphaned once more. Who can I turn to? Are you even listening? Or have you too turned your back on me? I won't blame you. I've hurt everyone, everyone who ever cared for me. DM, Amma, Bauji, Bua ji and even Jiji and Jeeju even if they don't say it. I know I have disappointed them too. Broken their hearts'.
'I am the sinful creature they see me to be. I am the disgraceful child they claim me to be. I should be shunned. But Amma...Amma I am sorry, for all of it. Does that not count? My heart has bled over my sins, is that not worth anything? I too have been betrayed, so should I not receive some consolation. I didn't do it on purpose. Yes, it all happened in my consciousness, I was aware of everything that was taking place, but I had my reasons too, I didn't do it to deliberately to disobey my teachings, to dishonor my family. I did it because at that moment it seemed right, it seemed the only way to continue my engagement. I didn't want to, but I still did, believing if I didn't then it may result in a broken engagement which would not be good for the family either. Yet it all still happened. The engagement still broke and my family was still dishonoured, but how was I supposed to know that? How? I did what I was told, abide everything that your fianc asks of you, for he is to be your husband and you should listen to him. He was never made to feel like my fianc, but rather my husband, he went straight from being my best friend to my husband with the engagement; it was always: behave in front of him he is your husband, yes the Pheres are yet to happen, but you must act like a wife from now on. So what was I supposed to do...I slept with the man I believed to be my husband but now suddenly, he is not; he is just a man whom I have sinned with? How is that right? What is right, what is wrong? Was I wrong then or am I wrong now? I don't know...I don't know...why did you leave me Amma? Why didn't you just take me with you? I don't belong here, I never have, I was only fooling myself, thinking that I was part of this world, part of a family, I never was...and now, I never will be...'
Covering her face with her hands she began shaking with grief, not even realizing that someone was there, who had listened to the end of her monologue and was now moving towards her with fear and remorse in his heart.
'Khushi...' He whispered, finally, after standing behind her for some time deliberating over the best way to stop her from taking her life and instead comfort her, so she didn't come to the brink of it ever again.
She started up at his voice. Nausea tickled at her throat when she saw his reflection in the calm pool water and realized who was standing behind her. How much had he heard? Wiping her tears carelessly, she turned and tried to head into her house. But he blocked the way. For a moment they only stared at each other. Then he lifted his right hand and started moving it towards her face. Surprised by his advance she slapped away his hand and took a step back, only to lose her footing on the edge of the pool, causing her to fall.
'AAARRRNNNAAAVVV JIII...' she gasped.
'KHUSHI!!' he bellowed, as he launched forward and seized one of her flying arms in his hand, using it to pull her towards him and then securing her waist in his other to make sure she was safely in his cocoon, rather then drowning in the pool.
Her eyes were shut tight, while her fist clenched the folds of his shirt. A tear, paralyzed by the shock of what had nearly happened nestled near the edge of her eye. The tear he had moved to wipe and she had mistaken for his advance. He know traced his thumb under her eye and wiped it away, causing her to come out of the moment and realize that she had not fallen into the pool but was now in Arnav's arms. Their eyes locked and for a while neither moved or said anything. Then Khushi began shifting as the closeness made her awkward. He too began moving out of the embrace, but first guided her away from the pool before letting go of her. She turned and began walking away when he pulled her back.
'Khush-' before she registered what he was trying to say she heard and felt it. RIP! Her eyes widened in horror. How dare he?!! She peaked down to confirm it and saw the slit on the side of her kameez had increased from its' normal length to reveal her soft abdominal flesh under it. She clutched at it, as she closed her eyes to try and control the anger that was now reaching boiling point. She didn't want to deal with him, not right now, not when she was grieving her loss. She began striding away, towards the pool house in measured strides as she tried to keep a cap on her fury.
'Khushi...I didn't...my watch...' Arnav began after her, horrified at what had happened. He didn't want her to feel embarrassed or think anything else, he had tried to stop her as soon as he had noticed her kameez stuck in his watch, but she had walked away too quickly. 'Khu-' he placced his hand on her shoulder.
SLAP!!
Before he had managed to get another word out, he found her standing before him, rage etched in every inch of her face.
'NO!! YOU LISTEN TO ME!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!! THAT JUST BECAUSE THIS GIRL HAS SLEPT WITH ANOTHER MAN SHE'S AN EASY TARGET?!! THAT SHE WILL HAPPILY JOIN YOU IN BED?!! WELL YOU'RE WRONG!!! SO VERY WRONG MR. RAIZADA!! I'M NOT THAT GIRL!! I DON'T SLEEP WITH MEN FOR PLEASURE!! THAT IS NOT MY THING!!! AND IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY LISTENED TO MY STORY IN THE HOSPITAL THAT DAY RATHER THAN HEARD WHAT YOU WANTED TO AND BELIEVED WHAT YOU WANTED TO THEN YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN!! THAT THE MAN I SLEPT WITH WAS NOT JUST ANY MAN I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH, HE WAS MY FIANC! MY BEST FRIEND!! AND WHOM I BELIEVED TO BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM BECAUSE I WANTED TO TRAP HIM OR SOMETHING, I SLEPT WITH HIM BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO BE MY HUSBAND. BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO AND I LET HIM. BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM, BECAUSE I BELIEVED HIS EVERY WORD, NEVER EVEN DOUBTED HIM FOR A SECOND. IT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE COULD TURN OUT TO BE A COMPLETE SCOUNDREL WHO WOULD BREAK MY HEART THE VERY NEXT DAY BY CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME OTHER GIRL!! WHY WOULD IT? I HAD KNOWN HIM MY WHOLE LIFE, MY FAMILY TRUSTED HIM, I TRUSTED HIM SO THEN WHEN HE ASKED ME TO SHOW HIM THAT TRUST BY SLEEPING WITH HIM I DID. IT DIDN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT HE WAS JUST BAITING ME, THAT HE NEVER DESERVED THAT TRUST, ALL I THOUGHT IN THAT MOMENT WAS WHAT IF I DIDN'T AND THEN HE LEFT ME, THEN WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, WHAT WOULD PEOPLE SAY IF MY ENGAGEMENT BROKE...PLUS HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND AND I DID TRUST HIM AND WE WOULD BE MARRIED SO THEN IT WAS OK...SO I DID IT...I SLEPT WITH HIM...
'I slept with him...making the biggest mistake of my life...I slept with him...' She repeated those four words over and over again in a hoarse whisper as she crouched onto one of the pool chairs. While Arnav just stared at her in shock. Unable to comprehend everything she was shouting at him. He had learnt the truth at the hospital, but now, hearing it from her own lips it made it all the more real, her tragedy all the more morbid and his assumption all the more horrid.
'I slept with a man...that's all the world see's, that's all. But no one ever tried to find out why. All they saw was she slept with a man, thus she is a disgraceful person. She should be shunned and looked down upon. Did anyone ever try to ask me why? What led me to sleep with him? No, no one asked. They all just gave their verdict.Khushi is an ungrateful, imprudent child. She is a deceiver and betrayer. Not once did they stop to look and see that she too has been betrayed. She too is suffering. She too lost an immense amount that night. She lost the most. Her trust. Her family. Her love. Her virginity. Her everything. She lost everything that night because of one man's lust and her wrongful trust. But no, all everyone see's is how I have wronged them. Not that I too have been wronged. Why would they? For how can a man be at fault, it must always be the woman? If I slept with him, I'm wrong. If I didn't, I'm still wrong!! One can say I was stupid to believe his words and sleep with him, but tell me this if I had not, if I had walked away from him and he then turned around and broke the engagement with me for disobeying him then wouldn't everyone turn on me and call me disobedient? Tell me that I should have done everything he said, because he was to be my husband and so I should do everything he says. Because a man gets a fiance but a woman gets a future husband after an engagement and so must treat him like one. Thus I did. And now, I must pay for it.
'Hah...that's the law of society.' She barked out a crude laugh. 'Man is always superior, always is right. And woman...always inferior, always wrong. The only instance where one may blame the man is rape, but I wasn't raped so then I must be wrong. If he didn't force me, if I did it willingly then I'm wrong. Simple as that. Black and white. No chance of a grey area. No chance that the man is just as wrong as the woman. No, because it is ok for a man to sleep around, have girlfriends, cheat, be disloyal, but if a woman sleeps with her love then it's wrong. She is a s**t, a wh**e, a tainted woman.'Arnav flinched at those heinous names and felt like being buried in the very spot he stood for he had given her those very labels in Nainital.
'But has anyone ever stopped to think that the woman people so readily except their sons to have affairs with and leave are the very woman they give these names too.' Khushi went on in her soliloquy not even noticing how her reiteration of his labels made his heart squeal in agony. 'That these women give their everything to their sons' and its' their sons who then leave her to become society's joke. That in fact, it is society and society's sons' who are responsible for that woman's downfall. For that woman's dishonor. No woman readily gives up her dignity, no woman wishes to lose her respect; she gives her honour to a man she trusts, a man she loves; only when she is fully committed to a man does she allow him to touch her, but what she doesn't realize is that this man is like every other man, who is interested only in her body, nothing else!
'She foolishly believes that her love is not like others, her love will not betray her, her love will always be with her; only her love is none of the above for he is a man at the end of the day, who will turn around and disgrace her. He will be disloyal to her. But society will never see that, all they will see is that the girl was wrong, she misled the man and then to trap him slept with him, instead of realizing that it was in fact the man who mislead her, trapped her in his sweet words just to sleep with her...then left her to be ridiculed in society. No they will never see that. They will call out her mistake.My mistake. Never ask what he did wrong. Only say that I was wrong...
'Well then. Fine. I am wrong. I am wrong for trusting him, for believing him, for loving him. For showing him that I would be an obedient and trustful wife. I am wrong: wrong to cry over my mistake. Wrong to feel sorry for what has happened to me. Wrong to expect my own family to give me a chance, to try and understand me. To try and listen to me. Wrong in all accounts. Wrong to expect people to think that I am a human who has a heart. A heart that is just as fragile as everyone else's. A heart that has lost so much. But of course if my heart broke then it must be my fault too, for: I. Am. Wrong. I am wrong!! But someone tell me if all of this is wrong then what is right?!! Can I do anything right? My love is wrong. My actions are wrong. My feelings are wrong. Everything is wrong...everything I do is wrong...wrong...' she wept miserably, while Arnav watched, helpless, over her: miserable with himself for not knowing how to bring relief to her aching heart. Everything she had said stabbed at him, he wished to go wring every person who had hurt her starting with himself. She was an angelic person who had been stoned, scorned and singed for being nave and trusting,that was wrong, not her: what had been done to her, not what she had done. She had been right, unfortunately the circumstance had not.
'Di and Jiji say to put myself in their shoes, to try and understand their pain,' she spoke in a hollow voice, after a long while and gained his attention instantly, although she had long forgotten that he was there, 'I do. I do. I know it's not easy for Amma and Bua ji to understand or forgive me and I'm not asking them to. All I ask is that they try to put themselves in my position too. Try to understand that I am not proud of what I did. Far from it. I recoil from myself. All I want is for them to just listen, to just know, that I am their Khushi. That if they turn their backs on me, then I will die. Just waste away and die. That it was their love that gave me the strength to carry on living each day even after everything that happened, but now if they turn away how will I survive? My heart has endured too much already, it won't survive another loss. I won't survive. But maybe...may be this is my punishment, to be left all alone. Orphan, as I am.'
'Hmmh...' She sniggered after another long pause. 'No Amma. Don't worry your daughter has not given up.' She looked up towards the heavens, a fiery spark in her eyes that glazed brightly behind the tears that were still in her eye, giving her a maddening look. 'Don't worry...I'm your daughter, both your and your sisters' daughter after all. When you both found a way to get you back in Nanaji's good graces after you ran away with Bauji, then I too will win over Amma, Bauji and Bua ji's hearts. They don't want to listen to me, fine. Then I will stop talking, instead I will let my actions convey to them that I am their daughter. Their Khushi.' With that she stood up, wiped away her tears and headed back into her house. Leaving Arnav staring after her in awe.
Her words pierced his heart. There was such intensity in it. Such pain. Pain he had never thought anyone else capable of. He had always assumed that no one had felt as much pain as he had. No one truly knew what it felt to be left completely broken by someone you believed to be your own. But today he learnt how wrong he was. He learnt that someone else had experienced just as much, in fact much more pain than he ever had. He stared after her incredulously. He didn't understand how she was still in one piece after her whole world had crashed down upon her and shattered her completely. He was still picking up his own broken pieces from after his father's affair had been discovered and here she had been persecuted every moment of the last four months and still managed to smile and keep it together. What was she made of?!!!
How wrongly had he judged her? She was right, he only saw what he wanted to see, heard what he wanted to hear, believed what he wanted to believe, instead of actually stopping to listen to what she had to say. To what the truth was. He, like everyone else in her life had not stopped to ever consider that there was more to the fact that she had slept with someone. That just because she had, it did not by default make her wrong. There were grey areas in life. Not everything could be categorized as just right or wrong, had not his mother taught him that? But he had forgotten; his hatred for his father had made him forget. All he knew was that his father was wrong and from then on he had decided to put everything in the category of right and wrong, where generally all went in the latter. But that's not how it was, there was always two sides to the story and one had to listen to both before reaching the verdict; but he, Arnav Singh Raizada, had not done that. He had given his verdict in regard to Khushi instead of actually hearing what had occurred and due to it had said and done God only knew what to her.
It was his turn to collapse onto the pool-chair, she had vacated moments earlier, as he recalled everything he had said to her, the way he had treated her ever since the blinds of his prejudice had blurred her truth. Her anger, her shock, her confusion to his actions all made sense now. How he wished to go into the pool house, drop down to his knees and beg for forgiveness. But he couldn't, not right now. She needed to be alone. She was hurt and beaten down. She didn't need to have him groveling in front of her. That wouldn't please her. He had learnt this much about her, she didn't find joy in someone's misery. She didn't want someone to plead her for forgiveness; that would hurt her more. All that mattered to her was that one no longer held the wrong notions about her. Thus he decided against barging in on her. Right now she needed to rest and recuperate, his forgiveness could wait till tomorrow. She didn't need to see his tears that would only make her cry more, not less.
This decided he gave one last longing look at her house, which was in a dark hue now, as the lights were off, then turned towards his own room, despair in his heart at the knowledge of Death having made a comfortable abode inside hers'.
*****
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