‘Jiji there is something more you need to know, something that I can no longer hide,’ her face was solemn with the knowledge of what she was about to bestow upon her sister, ‘Jiji…..I’m expecting.’
Payal stopped laughing and stared up blankly at her sister, ‘Expecting?! Expecting what?’ she asked before the full caliber of what Khushi said hit her and she followed her baby sister’s gaze towards her abdomen where Khushi’s hand rested. A hard lump formed inside Payal’s throat and she gulped hard at it as she proceeded to say, ‘Khushi you’re…you’re pregnant?’ Khushi could only muster a terse nod of her head. She couldn’t meet Payal’s eyes. This was not how it was supposed to happen, Payal was supposed to become a mother first, then her. She was supposed to learn from Payal and spoil her niece or nephew not the other way round; and this was definitely not the way she had thought of delivering the news of her pregnancy in such a hushed voice, with immense remorse and guilt in her eyes and heart. This should have been the happiest news ever, only it wasn’t.
It brought her tremendous sorrow then happiness, not because of the situation she would be in now, no, that was her own mess and she wouldn’t be resentful of it. What grieved her was that her baby would be looked down upon. That her baby would never receive the love and respect that it deserved. That it would grow up without a father and a loving family, all because of her mistake. Her baby would be shunned even before s/he was born and there was nothing she could do about it. A mother’s job was to protect her child and here she had ordained his/her disgrace even before s/he was born. What was she going to do? That thought had been haunting her for over a week now, ever since the calamity of her situation had hit her. She hadn’t been able to get over her night with Shyam and the disgrace from that when missing her period had enlightened her upon her new situation. Until then the grief, the sorrow, the betrayal had been hers’ alone to deal with, but the moment she realized what she was bearing her heart bled, for it meant now all those emotions would be inherited by her child and would be passed onto her family too, who were all in the dark about what had occurred between her and Shyam. Would they accept her now? They could sympathise and love her after a broken engagement for that wasn’t her fault but would they accept her betrayal to them? They had not given her the permission to indulge in the activities she had, how would that affect them when they found out what she had done? And what about her baby, would they accept her child? Her child was the innocent party in all of this but she knew no one would see it that way, no one in the community for sure, but what about her family would they recognize that it wasn’t the child’s fault, that the child deserved no wrath?
She peaked a glance at Payal, her reaction regarding her baby would signify how the others’ would react. Payal was deathly pale and staring wide at her. But she wasn’t looking at her, for she was lost in some thought of her own. Khushi didn’t know what to make of it. Should she think the silence to be acceptance or the warning of a disastrous storm? She wanted to prod Payal, she wanted her to say something, she didn’t like the eerie silence, but had no idea what to say. She shakily moved her hands towards Payal but caught herself at the last minute, she had just revealed terrible dark secrets to her, it made sense that she was in shock and would need time to recover from what Khushi had just told her. She owed her sister that much, for sitting there and listening to the scandals she had committed. She restrained herself by confining her hands with her dupatta; which she wrapped around her fingers and wrists in agitation, as she waited for Payal to compose herself.
After what seemed an eternity Payal’s fingers wrapped around Khushi’s, which were wrestling her scarf. ‘Oh my poor baby, you must be terrified.’ Khushi looked up to find Payal’s face flushed with warmth, sadness and a hint of fear that she felt in her own heart. Payal rescued the tortured dupatta out of Khushi’s hand and took them in one of hers’, while she used the other to bring her sister’s head down to her lap, where she let her lie as she smoothed out her braid with her hands; the way she had done when they were younger, after Khushi woke up screaming from one of her recurring nightmares. There was no point in scolding or bashing her younger sister, for no words Payal could utter would be harsher than the ones she knew her sister was thrashing at herself. Besides what was done was done, neither of them could change it all they could do was accept it and try to figure out what to do next. How to explain to the family and protect Khushi from the taunts of others. More so, Khushi was pregnant and very stressed out already, which was not good. A pregnant lady needed to be surrounded with happiness and laughter not tension. She may not be able to give her a happy setting but at least she could give her comfort and relieve her from her own wrath. Payal would not be able to tone down the anger she would face from their parents but she could at least save her from her own, to cushion some of the trouble that was heading her sister’s way.
‘What a month, hunh, Khushi? It started off as us both single on the brink of marriage, happiness infused in our hearts and is ending with you single and pregnant, heart broken. Who could have thought this would happen, we had both dreamt of how this month would change our lives in remarkable ways, and so it has, just not in the way we had imagined, eh?’
Khushi sat up as her sister related the sad turn of events, tears brimming in her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry Jiji. I’ve ruined everything. All I ever wanted was to bring happiness like my name suggests, but all I have ever done is hurt people and bring sadness in my mist. I’m not the conveyor of happiness rather a murderer of it.’ Khushi bowled as she buried her face behind her hands.
‘Khushi what rubbish are you saying, you are n-‘ Payal started
‘No Jiji, I am.’ Khushi pestered on, ‘Look at what I have done. This should have been a happy day for you, as it is the last one in this house before you went off and began your new life with Jeejaji but I have made it a horrible one for you. I should have kept my mouth shut, you shouldn’t be having to listen to and dealing with my problems and issues. They are a product of my mistakes and disgrace, but I have made you a subject of them too. I’m so sorry. I wanted nothing but to make you and everyone else happy but I only ended up grieving you all, I’m a horrible person and this is why all of this is happening to me. I’m selfish and spontaneous, never stopping to think how my actions will affect others, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person…I-‘
‘ENOUGH KHUSHI!!! ENOUGH! NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME AND YOU LISTEN TO ME GOOD.’ Cut across Payal, ‘You are a good person, one of the best I know. No, I’m not saying this because you are my sister, or because I love you , I’m saying this because it is the truth. If you really were a careless and selfish person, than you wouldn’t have taken pains to fix the misunderstanding that occurred between me and Aakash ji regarding that stupid love letter. If you were careless than you wouldn’t go through all of Bua ji and Bauji’s medicines every month to make sure they weren’t expired and that we had enough. If you were selfish than you wouldn’t make dia’s yourself every Diwali and sell to help the orphanages. If you were irresponsible than you would not have bothered about looking after the bakery while Bauji was ill. If you were –‘
‘Jiji those things don’t matter, everyone does them.’ Refuted Khushi.
‘No, Khushi not everyone, only you. Now I can carry on with the list of all your selfless deeds or do you think these are enough to make you see that you are a good person, who cares immensely for her family.’
‘But Jiji, they don’t matter after what I have done…’
‘Yes they do. Of course they do. Khushi one wrong does not wash away all the good you have done and will continue doing Khushi. Sshh, no, listen, Khushi what you did was wrong yes, but it wasn’t selfish of you to do it, because it wasn’t planned, it just happened. It wasn’t even your fault that it did. Should you have avoided it, yes, but there is no point in dwelling on what you should have done and what you shouldn’t, because what is done is done, it cannot and will not be undone, the only thing to think about is what to do next.’
‘But how can you say it wasn’t my fault, it was, I trusted Shyam. I gave into his demands, it is my fault.’ Khushi protested.
‘No Khushi. Just because he didn’t force you doesn’t make it your fault, you trusting him was not wrong, we all trusted him, he never gave us any reason for us not to. He played us all Khushi, you can’t blame yourself for something we all fell for. He is at fault, not you; because he used you, manipulated you, made you believe that you were doing the right thing, made you think that it was ok as you would be married but only he never intended to be, if he had he wouldn’t have slept with another woman the very next day or let you walk out of that suite without even trying to stop you. Khushi he is the one who has done wrong and should be blamed, not you. Your only fault was that you believed him, but one cannot blame you for that for how can one be wrong to trust someone? Remember the saying Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me. You would be at fault if this was the second or third or fourth time you trusted him, when you had the past to tell you otherwise, but you didn’t, your past told you loud and clear that you could trust this man with your life and so you did. You were not wrong to trust him Khushi, you weren’t, get that in your head, only he didn’t deserve your trust and we know that now. Ok Khushi. Tell me you agree, you understand.’
Khushi nodded obediently, ‘But Jiji, you see it this way, what about Amma and Bauji and Buaji? They will never forgive me, for disgracing us.’ Khushi morned.
‘They will, with time they will. They love you Khushi and so with time they will see how their daughter was played most brutally and until than you will have to bear it out.’
‘You really think so?’ Khushi asked hopefully.
Payal only nodded, wanting to believe it herself but didn’t trust her voice to hide the uncertainty that gripped her. She did believe that in their hearts they would forgive her even before they realized, for their hearts would break with her every tear. However, on the surface they may never let her know of that, for they too would be hurt, not because she was pregnant, or because she in the heat of the moment had given her womanhood to an undeserving man, but because she had betrayed their trust in her and their teachings, granted she had not meant to and had been mislead into doing it, she still had crossed the line for which she would have to pay a severe price for, a price none of them could have wished on her and would terribly grieve for.
Payal quenched these thoughts for they did nothing but writhe her with worry and she knew if Khushi saw even the slightest of them reflect on her face the little calm she had managed to infuse into her would dissolve and she would go back to being the nervous wreck she had been moments before. No, Payal couldn’t let that happen, Khushi needed to be the least stressed possible in her condition.
‘So..when is the due date?’ asked Payal trying to change the subject from the past to the present.
‘Hunh? Oh….I don’t know.’ Replied a dazed Khushi.
‘Don’t know? Khushi you did get checked didn’t you?’ Asked Payal.
‘No.’
‘N- WHAT?!!!! Then how can you say you are pregnant?!! Khushi please don’t tell me you think you’re pregnant just because you slept with that guy, we aren’t in some show where you sleep with a man once and become pregnant by default!!’
‘Jiji! Of course not, I’m not that big an idiot, thank you very much. I know more than to jump to conclusions. Just because I didn’t get checked doesn’t mean I didn’t get tested.’ Payal gave her a quizzical look, not following Khushi. ‘Jiji when I missed my period that gave me some indication so I started watching for signs, in case I was being paranoid and I saw them Jiji. I found myself getting queasy every so often, my whole body felt sore and bloated and two mornings ago I even vomited. That’s when I decided I would get it tested to get rid of my suspicions once and for all. So I went to the pharmacy and got the home-pregnancy test kit….it came back positive.’
Payal was quiet for a while. Hearing that the stick had turned blue felt like a hard blow, worse than the one she had received when Khushi had initially revealed to her about her pregnancy, because for a moment there she had hoped they may have been saved, that their parents would never have to know anything about Khushi’s discretion. For a sliver of a moment she had been hopeful that if Khushi had not gotten checked that may mean that she may not be pregnant and therefore no one need ever know what transferred between Shyam and Khushi, but the pregnancy test changed that and made it all real again. Made all their problems appear again, that too in vivid sharpness. People were bound to notice Khushi’s pregnancy and therefore they would have to tell them what happened. Her sister’s impending doom came back into focus and Payal’s heart broke yet again. Why had Khushi done what she had done? But she knew the answer to that too well, knew the temptation too well, she had nearly succumbed to it herself and if it had not been for Khushi she may have been in a similar situation only she would have been lucky as she would be married to the person she would have slept with.
Payal’s closed her eyes as she remembered that wet evening two months back. Aakash had come into town on business and had given Payal a call to meet her, after nightfall as he was busy with work during the day. Both sister’s knew too well that she wouldn’t be allowed to go after dusk, but as she really wanted to go and meet him, as this would have been the first chance to meet him after the Sourav scandal had blown over – that had been a mess. Aakash had discovered a letter written from Payal to Sourav just months after their engagement, when he had come to visit. She had long forgotten about Sourav and the letter therefore had not even mentioned it to Aakash, however when he discovered it her future with him had been threatened not because Aakash had doubted her, he had been hurt that she had not mentioned a former love to him but it was his mother who had created a havoc regarding it making him question his trust in her too.
Sourav had been Payal’s classmate at college, he had shown interest in her and Payal had liked him too. Thus when he had given her a note saying that he was attracted to her, she had written the letter stating how if he was so he should inform his parents and come to formally ask for her hand, but as circumstance had it she never ended up giving it to him as his family moved before she had gathered the courage to hand him the letter. Thus she had stuffed the said letter in one of her books on her desk. The cursed book which Aakash had leafed through while he waited for Payal, thereby coming across the letter which then his mother snatched from him in order to tease him thinking Payal had written it to him, but as she read through it her eyes widened in shock and she raised the alarms that would have led to her and Aakash’s relationship ending if Khushi had not intervened and clarified the situation. She had revealed the situation and made the mother see sense, telling her how the very fact that the letter was still in the house meant that Payal never gave it to him and so it meant that in the end she didn’t want any ties to that man, which would not have been the case if she had been in love. Khushi had known nothing about the situation or the letter, yet she had taken charge and acquitted Payal of all the accusations and still she thought she was selfish, silly girl. Payal sighed, she was a force of good her sister, who had had the misfortune of meeting Shyam. For if she hadn’t then she would have never given into that temptation, the temptation her sister had saved her from, if only she could have done the same for her.
Khushi and Payal got permission to leave the house just before dusk on the pretense of going out to watch a movie. Their parents had been unwilling but had given in when Khushi had used the wedding card, saying how it was their last days as bachelorettes, at having independence, for after their marriages they would have to answer to their husbands and in-laws, then who knew whether they would even go out for a movie. Her melodrama and emotional blackmail had done the trick and they got the excuse to be out of the house for a few hours. Once out Payal met up with Aakash and Khushi went off to watch a Salman Khan movie to give them some privacy. She and Aakash had a beautiful evening and all anxieties regarding Sourav and ex-flames were sorted out. They had been enjoying a good plate of behl-puri when the heavens above opened up on them, causing them to flee to a shelter. They took refuge in Aakash’s hotel room from the rain, where things had gone steamy after Aakash had turned up the heating. It would have probably escalated into more if Khushi had not called to remind her how they needed to get home before the elders got worried. Giving Aakash a hasty good-bye and meeting Khushi in the hotel lobby both the girls headed home. Payal never told Khushi what took place in that hotel room, than because she had been too ashamed to confess to the intimacy that had taken place but that wasn’t the only reason, she had felt that it was a personal moment which she would like to rejoice in herself and not share it with anyone, not even her sister. Now, she restrained herself as she knew it would only hurt Khushi to know how unlucky she had been, for both sister’s had fallen to the temptation, granted Payal had managed to stop herself at the last minute, but what mattered was that even if she hadn’t Payal would have still ended up with Aakash and then they wouldn’t have the problem that Khushi was going to have to face even if she had gotten pregnant as Aakash would be with her, whereas Shyam wasn’t as he was scum!
‘Jiji? What are you thinking about?’ asked Khushi breaking into Payal’s reverie.
‘Hunh? Oh nothing, just thinking of how to proceed you know….Khushi you will have to go to a gynae to find out when the due date is and also whether….whether you can get an abortion done.’ Payal said the last in a miniscule voice, ashamed herself at what she was suggesting.
‘Abor- NO!! Absolutely no!!!’ Khushi flared up as her hands clutched at her abdomen in a protective manner.
‘Khushi, I-‘ Payal tried.
‘No Jiji!!! No. get that thought out of your head, I will do no such thing. How can you even suggest it? You know how wrong it is, its’ murder Jiji! MURDER!! No way.’ Payal looked away knowing that what her sister was saying was true and that it was wrong of her to suggest it, but this was Khushi, her baby sister and abortion was the only way she saw of protecting her sister from the evils of their society.
‘Jiji,’ Khushi began, understandingly, ‘Look I know why you said it, because you want to protect me and Amma and Bauji, but Jiji this is not the way. It is wrong. I have already commited one sin don’t ask me to commit another, a much worse sin. I will not hide from my mistake Jiji, I’m not a coward, I will face it. It will be hard I know but I won’t back down or falter in my decision, I can’t because I will need to be strong for my baby. Even if I’m all alone it won’t matter I will deal with it. I will not give up, I will bring my child into the world and raise him/her by myself if I have to, because it isn’t my child’s fault that s/he was conceived so s/he will not suffer for it.’
‘You will not be alone and neither will your child Khushi. At the least, you both will have me.’ Payal declared, as tears brimmed in her eyes seeing her sister’s courage. Next moment they were hugging and crying again, their heart filled with pride for each other.
After a few moments, Payal sniffingly continued, ‘Ok. So we are having this baby…now we need to get you to a gynae to get the due date and see what vitamins and stuff you will require….I will call Pam Aunty right away and book an appointment.’ Payal wove out of the hug, dabbed her eyes with her dupatta and made to get up, but Khushi stopped her by holding onto her hand.
‘No Jiji. We can’t go to see Pam Aunty. She is Amma’s friend and a huge gossip the whole of Lucknow will know before sundown. We will have to find another doctor.’ Khushi reasoned.
‘Of course, I totally forgot about that, we have always consulted Pam aunty for all of our issues…it didn’t occur to me how we couldn’t go to her this time, hmm yes we will-‘
‘Payaliya?! Thithaliya?! OH-ho where have these two disappeared to?!!’ came the shrill cry of Bua ji’s voice bringing an abrupt end to their converstation.
‘On the terrace Bua ji.’ Payal called back as she hastily wiped her’s and Khushi’s face, as they heard Bua ji’s heavy footsteps coming towards them.
‘What on earth are you doing here, that too while the sun is still out, you will both go tan, do you want Aakash bitwa to be shocked to see his bride a shade darker?!! And you Sanka devi, who will come for your hand if you are dark too?!!’ inquired Bua ji, from her two nieces.
‘Oh-ho Bua ji things like that don’t matter much anymore, people know its’ wrong to judge a girl by her colour, and those who don’t well then I don’t want to go in such a house where people get judged on their looks rather than their deeds.’ Stated Khushi.
‘Uffo, bus….please don’t start on one your lectures on social -disfiguration and what not!’ exhaled Bua ji.
‘Social –discrimination, Buaji.’ Said both Khushi and Payal together as a smile played on their lips.
‘Yeah, yeah….acha come on inside both of you, get dressed, Shashi just called from the station, Aakash bitwa has arrived, they will be here in about half an hour. Come on hurry!!’ she scolded them as she made her way down with them.
Nervousness gripped Khushi, Aakash was here that meant that any further talks about her situation would have to be put on hold and then Payal would be gone in the morning leaving Khushi here all alone, how was she going to deal with it all. In theory it all sounded good her standing up and claiming her responsibility but as Payal’s moment of leaving drew nearer anxiety bubbled inside of Khushi how was she going to handle her parents and her pregnancy without Payal’s support.
As if she heard her internal cry, Payal’s hand found Khushi’s and squeezed it hard, telling her not to worry, that they would figure something out. Khushi returned the pressure in response, not daring to say or even look towards Payal under Buaji’s supervision.
Payal stopped laughing and stared up blankly at her sister, ‘Expecting?! Expecting what?’ she asked before the full caliber of what Khushi said hit her and she followed her baby sister’s gaze towards her abdomen where Khushi’s hand rested. A hard lump formed inside Payal’s throat and she gulped hard at it as she proceeded to say, ‘Khushi you’re…you’re pregnant?’ Khushi could only muster a terse nod of her head. She couldn’t meet Payal’s eyes. This was not how it was supposed to happen, Payal was supposed to become a mother first, then her. She was supposed to learn from Payal and spoil her niece or nephew not the other way round; and this was definitely not the way she had thought of delivering the news of her pregnancy in such a hushed voice, with immense remorse and guilt in her eyes and heart. This should have been the happiest news ever, only it wasn’t.
It brought her tremendous sorrow then happiness, not because of the situation she would be in now, no, that was her own mess and she wouldn’t be resentful of it. What grieved her was that her baby would be looked down upon. That her baby would never receive the love and respect that it deserved. That it would grow up without a father and a loving family, all because of her mistake. Her baby would be shunned even before s/he was born and there was nothing she could do about it. A mother’s job was to protect her child and here she had ordained his/her disgrace even before s/he was born. What was she going to do? That thought had been haunting her for over a week now, ever since the calamity of her situation had hit her. She hadn’t been able to get over her night with Shyam and the disgrace from that when missing her period had enlightened her upon her new situation. Until then the grief, the sorrow, the betrayal had been hers’ alone to deal with, but the moment she realized what she was bearing her heart bled, for it meant now all those emotions would be inherited by her child and would be passed onto her family too, who were all in the dark about what had occurred between her and Shyam. Would they accept her now? They could sympathise and love her after a broken engagement for that wasn’t her fault but would they accept her betrayal to them? They had not given her the permission to indulge in the activities she had, how would that affect them when they found out what she had done? And what about her baby, would they accept her child? Her child was the innocent party in all of this but she knew no one would see it that way, no one in the community for sure, but what about her family would they recognize that it wasn’t the child’s fault, that the child deserved no wrath?
She peaked a glance at Payal, her reaction regarding her baby would signify how the others’ would react. Payal was deathly pale and staring wide at her. But she wasn’t looking at her, for she was lost in some thought of her own. Khushi didn’t know what to make of it. Should she think the silence to be acceptance or the warning of a disastrous storm? She wanted to prod Payal, she wanted her to say something, she didn’t like the eerie silence, but had no idea what to say. She shakily moved her hands towards Payal but caught herself at the last minute, she had just revealed terrible dark secrets to her, it made sense that she was in shock and would need time to recover from what Khushi had just told her. She owed her sister that much, for sitting there and listening to the scandals she had committed. She restrained herself by confining her hands with her dupatta; which she wrapped around her fingers and wrists in agitation, as she waited for Payal to compose herself.
After what seemed an eternity Payal’s fingers wrapped around Khushi’s, which were wrestling her scarf. ‘Oh my poor baby, you must be terrified.’ Khushi looked up to find Payal’s face flushed with warmth, sadness and a hint of fear that she felt in her own heart. Payal rescued the tortured dupatta out of Khushi’s hand and took them in one of hers’, while she used the other to bring her sister’s head down to her lap, where she let her lie as she smoothed out her braid with her hands; the way she had done when they were younger, after Khushi woke up screaming from one of her recurring nightmares. There was no point in scolding or bashing her younger sister, for no words Payal could utter would be harsher than the ones she knew her sister was thrashing at herself. Besides what was done was done, neither of them could change it all they could do was accept it and try to figure out what to do next. How to explain to the family and protect Khushi from the taunts of others. More so, Khushi was pregnant and very stressed out already, which was not good. A pregnant lady needed to be surrounded with happiness and laughter not tension. She may not be able to give her a happy setting but at least she could give her comfort and relieve her from her own wrath. Payal would not be able to tone down the anger she would face from their parents but she could at least save her from her own, to cushion some of the trouble that was heading her sister’s way.
‘What a month, hunh, Khushi? It started off as us both single on the brink of marriage, happiness infused in our hearts and is ending with you single and pregnant, heart broken. Who could have thought this would happen, we had both dreamt of how this month would change our lives in remarkable ways, and so it has, just not in the way we had imagined, eh?’
Khushi sat up as her sister related the sad turn of events, tears brimming in her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry Jiji. I’ve ruined everything. All I ever wanted was to bring happiness like my name suggests, but all I have ever done is hurt people and bring sadness in my mist. I’m not the conveyor of happiness rather a murderer of it.’ Khushi bowled as she buried her face behind her hands.
‘Khushi what rubbish are you saying, you are n-‘ Payal started
‘No Jiji, I am.’ Khushi pestered on, ‘Look at what I have done. This should have been a happy day for you, as it is the last one in this house before you went off and began your new life with Jeejaji but I have made it a horrible one for you. I should have kept my mouth shut, you shouldn’t be having to listen to and dealing with my problems and issues. They are a product of my mistakes and disgrace, but I have made you a subject of them too. I’m so sorry. I wanted nothing but to make you and everyone else happy but I only ended up grieving you all, I’m a horrible person and this is why all of this is happening to me. I’m selfish and spontaneous, never stopping to think how my actions will affect others, I’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person…I-‘
‘ENOUGH KHUSHI!!! ENOUGH! NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME AND YOU LISTEN TO ME GOOD.’ Cut across Payal, ‘You are a good person, one of the best I know. No, I’m not saying this because you are my sister, or because I love you , I’m saying this because it is the truth. If you really were a careless and selfish person, than you wouldn’t have taken pains to fix the misunderstanding that occurred between me and Aakash ji regarding that stupid love letter. If you were careless than you wouldn’t go through all of Bua ji and Bauji’s medicines every month to make sure they weren’t expired and that we had enough. If you were selfish than you wouldn’t make dia’s yourself every Diwali and sell to help the orphanages. If you were irresponsible than you would not have bothered about looking after the bakery while Bauji was ill. If you were –‘
‘Jiji those things don’t matter, everyone does them.’ Refuted Khushi.
‘No, Khushi not everyone, only you. Now I can carry on with the list of all your selfless deeds or do you think these are enough to make you see that you are a good person, who cares immensely for her family.’
‘But Jiji, they don’t matter after what I have done…’
‘Yes they do. Of course they do. Khushi one wrong does not wash away all the good you have done and will continue doing Khushi. Sshh, no, listen, Khushi what you did was wrong yes, but it wasn’t selfish of you to do it, because it wasn’t planned, it just happened. It wasn’t even your fault that it did. Should you have avoided it, yes, but there is no point in dwelling on what you should have done and what you shouldn’t, because what is done is done, it cannot and will not be undone, the only thing to think about is what to do next.’
‘But how can you say it wasn’t my fault, it was, I trusted Shyam. I gave into his demands, it is my fault.’ Khushi protested.
‘No Khushi. Just because he didn’t force you doesn’t make it your fault, you trusting him was not wrong, we all trusted him, he never gave us any reason for us not to. He played us all Khushi, you can’t blame yourself for something we all fell for. He is at fault, not you; because he used you, manipulated you, made you believe that you were doing the right thing, made you think that it was ok as you would be married but only he never intended to be, if he had he wouldn’t have slept with another woman the very next day or let you walk out of that suite without even trying to stop you. Khushi he is the one who has done wrong and should be blamed, not you. Your only fault was that you believed him, but one cannot blame you for that for how can one be wrong to trust someone? Remember the saying Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me. You would be at fault if this was the second or third or fourth time you trusted him, when you had the past to tell you otherwise, but you didn’t, your past told you loud and clear that you could trust this man with your life and so you did. You were not wrong to trust him Khushi, you weren’t, get that in your head, only he didn’t deserve your trust and we know that now. Ok Khushi. Tell me you agree, you understand.’
Khushi nodded obediently, ‘But Jiji, you see it this way, what about Amma and Bauji and Buaji? They will never forgive me, for disgracing us.’ Khushi morned.
‘They will, with time they will. They love you Khushi and so with time they will see how their daughter was played most brutally and until than you will have to bear it out.’
‘You really think so?’ Khushi asked hopefully.
Payal only nodded, wanting to believe it herself but didn’t trust her voice to hide the uncertainty that gripped her. She did believe that in their hearts they would forgive her even before they realized, for their hearts would break with her every tear. However, on the surface they may never let her know of that, for they too would be hurt, not because she was pregnant, or because she in the heat of the moment had given her womanhood to an undeserving man, but because she had betrayed their trust in her and their teachings, granted she had not meant to and had been mislead into doing it, she still had crossed the line for which she would have to pay a severe price for, a price none of them could have wished on her and would terribly grieve for.
Payal quenched these thoughts for they did nothing but writhe her with worry and she knew if Khushi saw even the slightest of them reflect on her face the little calm she had managed to infuse into her would dissolve and she would go back to being the nervous wreck she had been moments before. No, Payal couldn’t let that happen, Khushi needed to be the least stressed possible in her condition.
‘So..when is the due date?’ asked Payal trying to change the subject from the past to the present.
‘Hunh? Oh….I don’t know.’ Replied a dazed Khushi.
‘Don’t know? Khushi you did get checked didn’t you?’ Asked Payal.
‘No.’
‘N- WHAT?!!!! Then how can you say you are pregnant?!! Khushi please don’t tell me you think you’re pregnant just because you slept with that guy, we aren’t in some show where you sleep with a man once and become pregnant by default!!’
‘Jiji! Of course not, I’m not that big an idiot, thank you very much. I know more than to jump to conclusions. Just because I didn’t get checked doesn’t mean I didn’t get tested.’ Payal gave her a quizzical look, not following Khushi. ‘Jiji when I missed my period that gave me some indication so I started watching for signs, in case I was being paranoid and I saw them Jiji. I found myself getting queasy every so often, my whole body felt sore and bloated and two mornings ago I even vomited. That’s when I decided I would get it tested to get rid of my suspicions once and for all. So I went to the pharmacy and got the home-pregnancy test kit….it came back positive.’
Payal was quiet for a while. Hearing that the stick had turned blue felt like a hard blow, worse than the one she had received when Khushi had initially revealed to her about her pregnancy, because for a moment there she had hoped they may have been saved, that their parents would never have to know anything about Khushi’s discretion. For a sliver of a moment she had been hopeful that if Khushi had not gotten checked that may mean that she may not be pregnant and therefore no one need ever know what transferred between Shyam and Khushi, but the pregnancy test changed that and made it all real again. Made all their problems appear again, that too in vivid sharpness. People were bound to notice Khushi’s pregnancy and therefore they would have to tell them what happened. Her sister’s impending doom came back into focus and Payal’s heart broke yet again. Why had Khushi done what she had done? But she knew the answer to that too well, knew the temptation too well, she had nearly succumbed to it herself and if it had not been for Khushi she may have been in a similar situation only she would have been lucky as she would be married to the person she would have slept with.
Payal’s closed her eyes as she remembered that wet evening two months back. Aakash had come into town on business and had given Payal a call to meet her, after nightfall as he was busy with work during the day. Both sister’s knew too well that she wouldn’t be allowed to go after dusk, but as she really wanted to go and meet him, as this would have been the first chance to meet him after the Sourav scandal had blown over – that had been a mess. Aakash had discovered a letter written from Payal to Sourav just months after their engagement, when he had come to visit. She had long forgotten about Sourav and the letter therefore had not even mentioned it to Aakash, however when he discovered it her future with him had been threatened not because Aakash had doubted her, he had been hurt that she had not mentioned a former love to him but it was his mother who had created a havoc regarding it making him question his trust in her too.
Sourav had been Payal’s classmate at college, he had shown interest in her and Payal had liked him too. Thus when he had given her a note saying that he was attracted to her, she had written the letter stating how if he was so he should inform his parents and come to formally ask for her hand, but as circumstance had it she never ended up giving it to him as his family moved before she had gathered the courage to hand him the letter. Thus she had stuffed the said letter in one of her books on her desk. The cursed book which Aakash had leafed through while he waited for Payal, thereby coming across the letter which then his mother snatched from him in order to tease him thinking Payal had written it to him, but as she read through it her eyes widened in shock and she raised the alarms that would have led to her and Aakash’s relationship ending if Khushi had not intervened and clarified the situation. She had revealed the situation and made the mother see sense, telling her how the very fact that the letter was still in the house meant that Payal never gave it to him and so it meant that in the end she didn’t want any ties to that man, which would not have been the case if she had been in love. Khushi had known nothing about the situation or the letter, yet she had taken charge and acquitted Payal of all the accusations and still she thought she was selfish, silly girl. Payal sighed, she was a force of good her sister, who had had the misfortune of meeting Shyam. For if she hadn’t then she would have never given into that temptation, the temptation her sister had saved her from, if only she could have done the same for her.
Khushi and Payal got permission to leave the house just before dusk on the pretense of going out to watch a movie. Their parents had been unwilling but had given in when Khushi had used the wedding card, saying how it was their last days as bachelorettes, at having independence, for after their marriages they would have to answer to their husbands and in-laws, then who knew whether they would even go out for a movie. Her melodrama and emotional blackmail had done the trick and they got the excuse to be out of the house for a few hours. Once out Payal met up with Aakash and Khushi went off to watch a Salman Khan movie to give them some privacy. She and Aakash had a beautiful evening and all anxieties regarding Sourav and ex-flames were sorted out. They had been enjoying a good plate of behl-puri when the heavens above opened up on them, causing them to flee to a shelter. They took refuge in Aakash’s hotel room from the rain, where things had gone steamy after Aakash had turned up the heating. It would have probably escalated into more if Khushi had not called to remind her how they needed to get home before the elders got worried. Giving Aakash a hasty good-bye and meeting Khushi in the hotel lobby both the girls headed home. Payal never told Khushi what took place in that hotel room, than because she had been too ashamed to confess to the intimacy that had taken place but that wasn’t the only reason, she had felt that it was a personal moment which she would like to rejoice in herself and not share it with anyone, not even her sister. Now, she restrained herself as she knew it would only hurt Khushi to know how unlucky she had been, for both sister’s had fallen to the temptation, granted Payal had managed to stop herself at the last minute, but what mattered was that even if she hadn’t Payal would have still ended up with Aakash and then they wouldn’t have the problem that Khushi was going to have to face even if she had gotten pregnant as Aakash would be with her, whereas Shyam wasn’t as he was scum!
‘Jiji? What are you thinking about?’ asked Khushi breaking into Payal’s reverie.
‘Hunh? Oh nothing, just thinking of how to proceed you know….Khushi you will have to go to a gynae to find out when the due date is and also whether….whether you can get an abortion done.’ Payal said the last in a miniscule voice, ashamed herself at what she was suggesting.
‘Abor- NO!! Absolutely no!!!’ Khushi flared up as her hands clutched at her abdomen in a protective manner.
‘Khushi, I-‘ Payal tried.
‘No Jiji!!! No. get that thought out of your head, I will do no such thing. How can you even suggest it? You know how wrong it is, its’ murder Jiji! MURDER!! No way.’ Payal looked away knowing that what her sister was saying was true and that it was wrong of her to suggest it, but this was Khushi, her baby sister and abortion was the only way she saw of protecting her sister from the evils of their society.
‘Jiji,’ Khushi began, understandingly, ‘Look I know why you said it, because you want to protect me and Amma and Bauji, but Jiji this is not the way. It is wrong. I have already commited one sin don’t ask me to commit another, a much worse sin. I will not hide from my mistake Jiji, I’m not a coward, I will face it. It will be hard I know but I won’t back down or falter in my decision, I can’t because I will need to be strong for my baby. Even if I’m all alone it won’t matter I will deal with it. I will not give up, I will bring my child into the world and raise him/her by myself if I have to, because it isn’t my child’s fault that s/he was conceived so s/he will not suffer for it.’
‘You will not be alone and neither will your child Khushi. At the least, you both will have me.’ Payal declared, as tears brimmed in her eyes seeing her sister’s courage. Next moment they were hugging and crying again, their heart filled with pride for each other.
After a few moments, Payal sniffingly continued, ‘Ok. So we are having this baby…now we need to get you to a gynae to get the due date and see what vitamins and stuff you will require….I will call Pam Aunty right away and book an appointment.’ Payal wove out of the hug, dabbed her eyes with her dupatta and made to get up, but Khushi stopped her by holding onto her hand.
‘No Jiji. We can’t go to see Pam Aunty. She is Amma’s friend and a huge gossip the whole of Lucknow will know before sundown. We will have to find another doctor.’ Khushi reasoned.
‘Of course, I totally forgot about that, we have always consulted Pam aunty for all of our issues…it didn’t occur to me how we couldn’t go to her this time, hmm yes we will-‘
‘Payaliya?! Thithaliya?! OH-ho where have these two disappeared to?!!’ came the shrill cry of Bua ji’s voice bringing an abrupt end to their converstation.
‘On the terrace Bua ji.’ Payal called back as she hastily wiped her’s and Khushi’s face, as they heard Bua ji’s heavy footsteps coming towards them.
‘What on earth are you doing here, that too while the sun is still out, you will both go tan, do you want Aakash bitwa to be shocked to see his bride a shade darker?!! And you Sanka devi, who will come for your hand if you are dark too?!!’ inquired Bua ji, from her two nieces.
‘Oh-ho Bua ji things like that don’t matter much anymore, people know its’ wrong to judge a girl by her colour, and those who don’t well then I don’t want to go in such a house where people get judged on their looks rather than their deeds.’ Stated Khushi.
‘Uffo, bus….please don’t start on one your lectures on social -disfiguration and what not!’ exhaled Bua ji.
‘Social –discrimination, Buaji.’ Said both Khushi and Payal together as a smile played on their lips.
‘Yeah, yeah….acha come on inside both of you, get dressed, Shashi just called from the station, Aakash bitwa has arrived, they will be here in about half an hour. Come on hurry!!’ she scolded them as she made her way down with them.
Nervousness gripped Khushi, Aakash was here that meant that any further talks about her situation would have to be put on hold and then Payal would be gone in the morning leaving Khushi here all alone, how was she going to deal with it all. In theory it all sounded good her standing up and claiming her responsibility but as Payal’s moment of leaving drew nearer anxiety bubbled inside of Khushi how was she going to handle her parents and her pregnancy without Payal’s support.
As if she heard her internal cry, Payal’s hand found Khushi’s and squeezed it hard, telling her not to worry, that they would figure something out. Khushi returned the pressure in response, not daring to say or even look towards Payal under Buaji’s supervision.
*****